What are your values and top life priorities?

A professor once asked the students of her marriage preparation course, "What are the most important values you are looking for in a spouse?" The lists were long: sense of humour, intelligence, faith, steady job, good family, similar interests, education, sense of adventure, loyalty, stability... The professor then asked, "What one of those values is your top priority?" Without much pause, students responded: sense of humour, intelligence, faith, steady job, good family, similar interests, education, sense of adventure, loyalty, stability... They, like most of modern society, wanted it all. *

We are fortunate to live in an age when any dream can be realized or obtained. What a marvelous thing! We should never take it for granted; we should also never let it cloud our vision. The fact of the matter is, "having it all" only comes after we've obtained important things individually. Very few people win the lottery and see all of their dreams fulfilled in one lump sum. We have to prioritize or instead of achieving all our goals we'll find ourselves many years down the road living with none of them. Let's use relationships as an example. Every one of the attributes listed above is noble and desirable. It is natural to judge new acquaintances in accordance with the characteristics we value. The key is not letting the entire list keep us from getting to know a person better. We would remain friendless and alone for eternity. Allowing ourselves to be pulled towards what is good enables us to explore what more could be good. It is here, unfortunately, where we begin to see another sort of problem. Instead of negating all people because they don't match every standard, some people throw common sense out the window and choose instead to naively accept all people. In the end, neither scenario is going to bring us closer to achieving our goals. I think every person can benefit from setting down to re-evaluate the areas of life where they've had goals and dreams-work, community involvement, diet, etc. Think back to a time when these ideas were new. What made you smile and feel happy? What ideas did you have about where life was heading? What was most important and have you held onto that as you've moved forward towards achieving your goals? If not, there is still time to pause and reconsider how to redirection your life so that those important attributes surround you. And, then, here's the kicker: What were your dealbreakers? What were the things that you absolutely would not accept? If you ever find yourself questioning why life has turned out so differently than you'd imagined or if there is an aspect of life that continually (or confusedly) makes you unhappy, take a moment to also reconsider these things. We are blessed to live in a time where we can achieve every single thing our hearts and minds set out to do. Let us work towards those goals by making sure we stand steadfast on the individual attributes that will make us the person we want to be. (*Thank you to Jacque DeGaston for relating this story)

Am I Smarter Than 5th Grade Me?

I recently let my husband in on one of my most embarassing school secrets...I used to ask my elementary teachers for the extra copies of our handouts so I could take them home and play school in my bedroom. By the end of my grade school days I had amassed a carefully organized, waist-high pile of purple mimeographed math timetables, social studies worksheets, science and reading assignments. I loved school. Well, the learning part of it. I could fill volumes on why the social aspect of public education was not for me, but it was exciting to sit at my desk with my #2 pencil and make something better of myself. I'm pretty sure I wasn't espousing that exact thought as I sat next to the boy on my right incessantly eating carrot sticks or the girl on my left sticking straightpins through her skin, but school was always a great intellectual outlet for me. 5th grade was particularly enthralling. I wrote my first report, on the state of Washington, and was proud that it was the longest report in the class. I looked forward to Fridays when we read Weekly Reader (I learned that one day telephones would have video cameras in them) and I would get all the questions right. Most memorable activity, though, are the scores of books I read and reports I wrote. There were always books in our home. We'd get boxes of them for a quarter at garage sales and carefully stack them on the bookshelf in our upstairs hallway. I organized them alphabetically for a CampFire project and they numbered nearly 200. It was from these that my library of book reports evolved. In fifth grade we had a tri-fold book report form that asked for generic information (title, author, genre) on either outside fold. The inner fold was where I found the gold-a completely blank white space waiting for my humble review. I would write until that page was full and then flip the whole form over and continue writing until not an inch of that paper was bare. I'd fold it up, take it to the teacher, and hurriedly begin the process over again. I don't know how many book reports I turned in during my fifth grade year. I do know I kept them all and will one day find them neatly filed in a folder waiting to be rediscovered. I never lost that unbridled love for learning. For this I am grateful. I've recently found myself once again feverishly looking for great reads. With a new baby and my role in life being redefined, I've found my ability to appreciate a good story invaluable-a rope out into the world I once knew. That's why I've included a list of recently read books on my blog. Take a look at the titles. Some of them were so enrapturing I couldn't put them down; others I unabashedly skimmed over hundreds of pages in order to end the dreadfulness as painlessly as possible. I'd love to know what you think is out there worth reading. And, of course, I'm still ready and willing to give my humble version of a golden book review.

Why Don't We Learn?

I'm tired of being humbled. Honestly. Why not just learn a lesson, catalog it in the "I Will Never Do That Again" file and then (imagine this) never do that again. The scenario: A person in my circle of acquaintances grates me the wrong way. It's not always the same person; it's not always only one person at a time. Today it is a young married couple living down the street. Most likely they are great human beings. They have never done anything to personally wrong me or my family. I just don't like them. (To lessen my guilt, let me assume I'm not the only person who has ever encountered this sort of irrational behavior). What happens next? Tragedy strikes that family-an unborn child with major health defects and the probability of the pregnancy being terminal. It's not always tragedy, of course, but it never fails that at some point I'm slammed in the face with the reality that that person is human and has worries and troubles just like me. Instead of being able to jump right in and offer support, I'm forced to first work around the huge stumbling block I've placed in front of me. As religious people, we are instructed to "Love thy neighbor as thyself," and that charity and love "conquereth all things. " What makes it so much more comfortable to live in distance and with ill feelings than to put forth outstretched arms? I recently wrote about judgement and how destructive it can be, but this seems to be different entirely. These scenarios are usually completely unprovoked and based on nothing I have seen or heard. It's merely a bad taste I get in my mouth that I allow to fester somewhere within me. Being humbled continuously is tiring. We need humility in order to grow. I will start again today to move onto a new lesson in hopes that I don't find myself repeating this one again in the next little bit of time.

Who do you Judge?

How can we support and strengthen other people and their families? Stop Judging. Too many people in the world today are dealing with situations and circumstances they never would have imagined into their own life stories: unplanned pregnancies, broken marriages, alternative lifestyles, addictions. These are not usually things families invite upon themselves. Yet, they are happening every day and people are forced to decide how they are going to deal with the events that come their way. Where there is love and a close connection between family members and friends, less than ideal events like these are often met with compassion, support, forgiveness, and leniency. Can the same be said when tragedy or upheaval is happening to the neighbor down the street, the colleague down the hall, or the parishioner sitting in the pew in front of you? It is much easier to sit in our homes or around the table at the coffee shop and pass judgement on people and families who are having difficult times. Disapproval and reproach do no better in bringing about help and encouragment than would completely ignoring and avoiding the situation all together. Most of us have enough prudence not to appear so hateful and uncaring when confronting the afflicted directly, but do we really think that our "true" feelings and distaste are hidden? I guarantee you they are not. If we honestly desire to support and strengthen the people and families around us, we need to be sincere and offer understanding. In thinking we are above their lot in life, we only add to the sorrow and hurdles which they face. A parent dealing with a wayward child needs their entire focus on that child. The child will suffer more if his parents are dealing not only with their own feelings of failure and disappointment but also the stress of being under the neighborhood microscope. This is true regardless of the circumstances, and most of us know how it feels to be the person being judged. Not a single person on this earth is going to make it through their lifetime here on earth without a few bumps in the road. When it is your turn and your friends or familiy are hurting, my heartfelt prayer is that you emerge on the other end feeling stronger and closer together. Likewise, if you find yourself right now coasting along and enjoying the scenery, be mindful that exercising your most divine qualities (compassion, generosity, and humility) could mean the difference between a family that falters and a family that grows.

News: It can happen in our neighborhood

My neighborhood is divided up into groups of 10 homes which meet periodically for safety and emergency preparedness meetings. I'd not been able to attend the impromptu gatherings since moving into the area, and so it was with baited breath that my husband and I accepted the invitation to meet in a neighbor's home this past Sunday. What an interesting time we had. In an hour's time we discussed water storage and rotation, 72-hour kits for babies, and the possibility of pandemics and quarantines. Most thought-provoking, however, was the story used to open the meeting. Friday afternoon on the way home from work, a local man took notice of several young neighborhood girls following behind an unfamiliar gentleman. It wasn't until after the man had continued up the street, parked his car, and entered his house that it occurred to him something might not be right. He walked back down the street to where the gentleman and the girls were gathered and noticed that each child was holding a small bit of tuna fish in her cupped hands. The gentleman explained that he had "lost his cat" and was employing the help of these girls to find it. The man asked the girls if they knew this man (or if their parents did) and when one of the older girls replied that her mom knew him, the man returned home. After explaining what was happening to his wife, his own son remarked, "Oh, yeah, he's looking for his cat." Knowing that two of the girls were quite young-under the age of 5-he picked up the telephone and called their mother. Her reaction was, "They asked if they could go and I told them no." As the man sat thinking about how many of the young neighborhood children were following along behind this unknown stranger, he thought to call the mother who reportedly knew the gentleman. Confused, she replied that she did not know the man, but had talked to him some time earlier about his lost cat. Her daughter, seeing her mother talking to him, assumed he was a family friend and didn't question any further whether it was safe to go with him. Now, close to an hour after the time when the local man had first taken notice of the gentleman and his entourage, he decided to call the authorities. By the time the police officer arrived, however, the man had gone. With a license plate number and a name, the police officers located his address and decided to begin a search there, working they're way back to our neighborhood with the hopes of intercepting him along the way. Ending his story at our meeting, the local man couldn't help but repeat over and over how unbelievable it was that so many people up involved (including himself) had completely dropped the ball on this situation. A strange man, in tow with a handful of our trusting young neighborhood children walking down the street and their parents at home not thinking to keep an eye out on them. I've heard this story repeated a few times now, and each time the immediate reaction is shock and fear that this could have happened on their street with no one looking. It turned out, in the end, that the gentleman truly had lost his cat while on a business call to a house around the corner. The reaction, though, is to ask what right-thinking person in this day and age approaches and employs the help of small children in an area where he is unknown? What can we do? All parents teach their children not to talk to strangers, but we make strangers out to be mean and scary people. This man was quite friendly and simply looking for his cute little kitten. Many schools in this area put their student's through a program called radKIDS. According to their website, the program is intended to empower children and teach them how to "resist aggression defensively." I don't know if any of these girls have had that training. Regardless, they didn't seem to have heeded any warnings they may have ever been giving as they followed this gentleman down the street armed with tuna fish. I had my own personal experience once while baby-sitting with a young child who had graduated from rad. She was quite certain she did not need any parameters or boundaries while we were attending a city-sponsored outdoor concert. Staying in my line of sight was not important to her, she screamed at me, because she'd been to radKIDS. What about the way adults react in these types of situations? After attending our neighborhood meeting, I feel comforted knowing that so many people are watching their surroundings and are keeping aware of things that seem unusual, but with that we also have to react. I do not for one minute want to criticize or second-guess the parents who were aware there was someone new in the neighborhood. I do not know their circumstances. Every time I've heard the story repeated, though, another adult or two has said, "Oh, yeah, he knocked on my door," or "I saw him getting out of his van." Yet, it took an hour for someone to finally decide this might not be right and take any action. In a matter of moments, young girls from a number of our neighborhood families could have been willingly led right into a van and driven away without anybody noticing. We need to not be afraid to step out of our comfort zone to approach a situation that seems not quite right. We need to have confidence that the proper authorities will respond quickly and appropriately. Our children need to understand that a stranger can be the friendliest person they've ever met, and yet it's still not okay to let their guard down. This week in this neighborhood we need to hug our children and thank our neighbors and agree to more actively participate in watching out for one another.