And Then Life Takes a Turn...

I've been teasing you with a promised post on Christmas ornaments for a few weeks, and I promise I did start writing it today.  But then I got an email about a job opening that would be so PERFECT for my husband and I got completely carried away and Christmas ornaments just don't sound that interesting anymore.

What's the job, you're asking?  Well, I'm not going to tell you everything because he hasn't even filled out the application, but recently he told me what he really wanted to be doing was working in the great outdoors.  He's always loved biking, hiking, skiing, and is crazy adventurous.  This job would allow him to do all of those things plus a whole lot more...for a living.

What would the job mean for me?  He'd be gone A LOT.  It'd mean a summer of me and 4 kids figuring things out on our own.  It could mean giving up our house and bumming couches from friends and family all summer instead of continuing our search for a bigger place we can all fit in.  It could mean a lot of traveling to where he is, including a trip up the ALCAN Highway with my minivan, a 5-year-old, 2-year-old and 9 month old twins.  It could mean saving a lot of money or turn into having absolutely no money.  And most importantly, it would mean being so incredibly proud of my husband for giving up the security of a decent paycheck at a ho-hum job to do something that he really loves to do!  It'd give me hope for my own dreams coming true in the future, too!

I'll let you know how it all turns out, but for now know that I have a HUGE grin on my face.  And forgive me for not getting around to that very "settled down and domesticated" post I'd been promising...maybe in a few days when I come down off this high..

Saying Good-bye

Recently my boys' best friends moved with their family to North Carolina to be closer to their grandparents.  It was a sad day for us all.  Driving home from their house the night before his friends would leave, Beck and my husband had a tender conversation about how life changes from time to time.  It was one of those parenting moments when we wanted to wrap our arms around our little ones and protect them from all things sad that happen in the world.  

The truth is, it was sad for me to.  You see, I am supposed to be the one who moves away.  I do the leaving.  Working in the seasonal hospitality industry, it was my normal routine to move somewhere, make 2-3 close friends, and then wave good-bye as our contracts came to an end.  Some tears, some sincere attempts to keep in touch, and then we'd simply find ourselves on our merry way.  There are a few people I've kept in contact with over the years, but the reality of distance and time usually take their toll.  Thinking back on the fabulous people I've been blessed to know makes me smile and hold back tears simultaneously, but that's the life I have become accustomed to.

So when I tell you my boys' best friends moved away, I must also say that one of my good friends has moved away as well.  And it's a very new feeling to be the person left behind, to watch somebody else do the leaving.  Not because there aren't other people to hang around with, and not because I needed that relationship to validate me.  Rather, because the event represents everything changing in my life as settled down mother of four in suburban America.

Beck, Peyton, and I of course have other friends.  For me that is still the same as before-a small group of beautiful people who make me better just by knowing them.  Our old friends came into our lives when we joined an in-home Joy School, and now we've joined a new homeschool play group where we're getting to know a brand new group of people.  Our lives will go on, they will just never be quite the same.  

How have you helped your children deal with friends moving away?

Am I Traveling, Am I Not (A Follow-Up)

I have been on an emotional roller coaster since my post last week and woke up this morning thinking I should share with you where I'm heading.  Thank you for the amazing advice and concern and encouragement I received from several of you!  That's absolutely the best part about writing and putting myself out there.

The big picture answer from my little breakdown is that I am definitely dealing with a life issue.  The struggle between dreams and reality isn't solved overnight and doesn't have a 1-2-3-step process to resolution.  What does that mean?  I'm not going to simply wake up one day having dropped the need to travel and explore and be free from routine.  I can wake up each day recognizing that not every year is going to be a big travel year.  This year, for starters, is not going to find me cavorting overseas and now that I've thought about that clearly, I've accepted it completely.

Even in my muddling last week, I never once considered that I was now trapped in my house, in my yard, in my little community.  Utah provides an incredible opportunity for so many different types of exploring in a very short distance and with summer coming my mind is already packed full of weekend excursions and activities.  That will never change in me, and is just as valid an opportunity to teach my kids about environments different than their own as any other place I could take them in the world.

There is a truth to work through and accept that my freedom to wander the world freely has dwindled and changed.  Yet, right now as I watch my kids squeal while blowing soap bubbles in their breakfast cups it doesn't seem daunting or life-sucking.  My passport application is in the mail and I can keep dreaming.  I never again want logistical details to be what keeps me from dreaming.  But for today I think I'll tackle the housecleaning and the parenting and be excited when my husband gets home.  I'm going to enjoy my family right here where life finds me.

(As part of my "therapy" I promise this summer I'll share some of my adventures with you,

 including my upcoming trip to flea markets of the Heartland,

 and playing tourist with my sister in Southern Utah's national park playland)

The Journey That My Heart Is On

My husband is in Seattle this week.  My boys and I were going to meet him there for the Easter weekend and go exploring on the Olympic Peninsula, but the the weather forecast was for low 50's and rainy.  We're not going.  We were going to go to the Redwoods for my 2-year-old's birthday, but we didn't.  I wanted to drive to San Diego, leave my kids with family, and go on a cruise this summer before the baby comes.  Completely off the table.  And the year-long adventure I've been dreaming about?  Most definitely not going to happen.

In full disclaimer, my kids and I are going back to the Sparks Flea Market next month to hang out with my family.  I used all my frequent flyer miles and all our free hotel nights to get us there.  They were going to waste and it's not looking like I will be using them for anything else anytime soon...I don't travel anymore.

Would you mind being the bounce board for my therapy?  

First, I never have renewed my passport.  The money always kept going elsewhere.  The cruise I mentioned earlier would require a passport and applying now would probably not see that beautiful blue book back in my hands until I'm too pregnant to be sailing.  One weekend I had an idea to fly to Canada and go camping in Banff National Park this summer, or to drive to Alaska to visit friends, but those are things I also can't do without a passport. Please don't offer the advice that I could expedite my renewal.  I know.  That adds to the cost which has been inhibiting me all these months and appears to be staunchly implanted in my brain as an excuse not to go get my new photo taken tomorrow.

Second, life happens when you don't realize you're looking right at it.  For 15 years I've had a personal philosophy that people don't need to settle down until they have children that start school.  And with today's technology, that's not even a resolute reason to change your wandering lifestyle if your family is still out there  having fun.  Five years ago when I had my first baby my ideals didn't change, but since then the trips have become routinely shorter and closer to home.  I HATE when people tell me having kids changes things.  I don't think it's an excuse to quit doing things.  How could I have let that happen to me?  

Now I have my soon-to-be kindergartner registered in an online curriculum  that would enable us to keep taking off on far-away adventures.  So what happens?  Life, again.  All the money we'd saved and sacrifices we've made to pack up and leave town weren't for nothing.  They've just turned out to not be for what we'd thought they would be.  Medical bills for new babies and broken arms and who knows what else is to come turn out to cost just about the same amount of money as backpacking around the world for 9 months in bliss.

As for the third and final reckoning in my brain?  My husband has decided he likes living a comfortable suburban life with a safely predictable job, all of his hobbies, and extra-curricular responsibilities.  He has contentedly settled down.  He won't tell me that matter-of-fact, but it's time for me to accept and start dealing with it.  How do I know that's where he's at in his life right now?  He's quit getting excited when I call out of the blue with a hair-brained plan for where we should take off to on the weekend.  I used to jump in the car and show-up unexpectedly wherever he was working out of town, but now he as much as tells me it'd be more responsible if I stayed home and saved the money.  He's in his fourth year of a job that was always supposed to be the hold-over until a great new adventure came along, but now he talks about a year from now when he'll be working more in the office and less on the road.  The final blow?  The year-long traveling life change I believed in wholeheartedly never evolved further than a passing whimsy to be discarded quickly in my husband's mind.  

Having now had my equivalent hour on the couch, how do I evolve from here?

I have no idea.  Always in my mind are the thoughts that I'm being tested and need to learn to be happy in the moment with the circumstances surrounding me.  That it is noble and normal to live in one house & one town with predictable days forever.  I feel guilty that my vision of motherhood, marriage partnership, and family life is so different from everyone else.  I struggle with wondering why I have to be the one that pretends to be something different than what is deeply rooted inside me.  I dread hearing people tell me not to give up on my dream or lose the wandering part of my soul when I don't see how there is any other option for me.  I don't want to be one of those, "When the children are older," or "We'll do that when we retire" type of people, but that is exactly what is happening. 

That is what is happening to me.  Part of me is being buried and the tightening I feel in my chest when I admit it so I can let it go confirms that I've barely embarked on the most challenging journey yet that my heart has been asked to travel.

In My Heart On Thursday

                                          It's 10 minutes, but worth it. 
 I started crying at 4:29 and the tears kept falling
Thank you, One Mom's Moxie, for posting it for me to see