Thankful Thirty #7 (Election Day)

I watched my 18-year-old neighbor cast his first-ever election ballot today and it nearly made me teary.  Over the years I've known him to be a typical teenager-arguing with his parents a lot of the time, pushing the boundaries they have set, and insisting that he's an adult and can make his own decisions even though he's still in high school.  Seeing him truly come of age and make such a mature decision to exercise the right to make his citizen's voice heard was heartening.  

I myself felt the weight that comes with having my personal choice make a difference on election day.  After trying for years to fully understand the electoral college v. popular vote, I will admit it still is a little shady to me.  BUT, I KNOW it is important to make sure my choice and preferences are heard.

Most people who know me will not be surprised when I say the presidential race did not go the way I had been hoping for.  I want to make it really clear that I am not a straight-ticket republican-I had a real struggle deciding which candidate to support in our national Senate race today, and even as I type shortly before midnight, I'm anxiously awaiting the results for our new congressional district, where my preference is for the Democratic candidate.  But I did believe Mitt Romney had a clearer vision and belief in the America that I want to live in.  

I am not going to be angry,though.  I'm not going to let my fears get in the way of my faith.  Instead, tonight I was reminded by the Holy Ghost that President Thomas S. Monson, the President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and the living prophet of the Lord today, is still valiantly guiding us to live righteously.  The Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints are still special witnesses of Jesus Christ and are still striving to spread His message of love and service to all the citizens of the world.  I believe President Dieter F. Uchtdorf when he says,

“Our fate and the fate of our world hinge

 on our hearing and heeding the revealed word of God to His children.”

Whether you voted for Mitt Romney or Barack Obama, whether you exercised your right to vote or stayed at home, whether you woke up this morning with renewed hope or a hesitation over the unknown, I want you to know that my eyes are still firmly looking towards the Lord.  Regardless of which side you are on, know that the Lord has promised great blessings on THIS country.  OUR country.  The United States of America.  Our responsibility?  Our best hope of one day seeing her take her full reward?  Live righteously.  Follow His commandments.  Serve your neighbor more than yourself.  Seek not for riches, but for treasures in Heaven.

I am grateful we can still hope in an America that is great. 

 We, the people, can make it great!

Unfamiliar with 

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and it's teachings?

I hope the links I've provided above will help to answer some of your questions.

Thankful Thirty #2

Source:  via Pinterest

The first 4 months of my last pregnancy were not pleasant.  I was exhausted and my body was broken down.  Feeling completely different than I did when I was pregnant with both my boys, every person I know had decided I must be carrying a girl.  I thought they must be right...but it didn't matter.  I was sick and being tested to the edge of what I could bear.

There were days it took all I had to pour cold cereal and turn on the television for Beck and Peyton before falling back into bed for the rest of the day.  It was on those days that I knew this was it for me.  Three babies was going to have to be what made up our family.  Doubled over and in tears I plead with the Lord to give me the strength and willpower to make it through my delivery and then apologized to my husband that this was going to have to be our last child.  Enduring another pregnancy was just not going to happen for me.

At the same time my husband was secretly pleading with the Lord to take this burden from me.  He was feeling guilty for the role he played in bringing this weakness upon me, and he was begging to be able to endure it for me.  As blessed as he knew we are to bring newborn spirits into our family, he admitted to God that he never wanted to see me feeling this way again.

We both knew this would be the completing of our family.

And here brings in the focus of my gratitude today:  The Lord knew too.  He heard our prayers and listened to our pleas.  He didn't chastise us for reacting in such a temporal moment, but wrapped his arms around our arms and answered back,

 "I believe you and I understand what you are going through. 

 I am near you and I will continue to be right here with you."

That is when we found out we were having twins.   

The Lord knew our hearts and recognized what he had asked of me.  Yet He also knew he had a plan for our family and it included more than just one more being.  He accepted my terms of defeat and did what he could to do to make sure His plan for us was complete.  If I, with my earthly mind and suffering, had decided to not be pregnant ever again, He sent the spirits He had left for us into the world together.

I do not know what our future holds.  There may be a day yet when we decide we do need to grow our family.  What I do know is that in the moment when I needed the Lord to accept all I had left to give to Him, he kept in mind His plan for me.  

I am grateful for a Heavenly Father 
so personally familiar with me and with His plan for me.

Don't Celebrate the Flying Rodent

This is going to be completely random, but I can't get off my mind how much I HATE hummingbirds!  We have delicious smelling yellow honeysuckle in our yard and a beautiful orange hibiscus vine blooming outside my bedroom window and they've both been hopelessly ruined by my peripheral glimpse of a flying rodent that causes birders and peace-lovers alike to swoon zealously.

Rodent, you say?  Surely she's sleep-deprived and confused.  She couldn't possibly be comparing this tiniest symbol of peace and love to a disease-carrying four-legged creeper!  Oh, but I am!  Their lithe, compact bodies, pointed faces, and quick jittery motions give me the heebie-jeebies.  There's never a warning before one pops out in front of you.  One minute you're hanging out in the backyard minding your own business and the next you're standing on top of the picnic table wondering what on earth just caused a panic in you (you're not sure, at first, because the blasted little birds are undoubtedly already gone and hiding in wait to scare the bejeebers out of you again as soon as you quit looking).

Oddly enough, these are the thoughts that have been on my mind the past two weeks.  Then, a few days ago I bought some new notecards and was "greeted" with this egregious note from the designer:

Legends say that hummingbirds float free of time, carrying our hopes for love, joy and celebration.  Hummingbirds open our eyes to the wonder of the world and inspire us to open our hearts to loved ones and friends.  Like a hummingbird, we aspire to hover and savor each moment as it passes, embrace all that life has to offer and to celebrate the joy of everyday.  The hummingbird's delicate grace reminds us that life is rich, beauty is everywhere, every personal connection has meaning and that laughter is life's sweetest creation.  

Um, no.  Sorry, but I'm not buying it.  If you, one my good friends or loved ones, tried to bequeath me a hummingbird-esque gift, I'd honestly question what on earth I had done to offend you.  The Google-search alone for an appropriate picture to include in this post has left me feeling like I need a shower.

And, yet,while I dream for fall to come quickly (sending off the hibiscus and honeysuckle and thus my little winged friends), I'm left with this significant understanding:

I do things differently. 

The world through my eyes is uniquely me.  A passage of scripture or line in a book studied and pondered in my mind always comes across differently than the person next to me.  My passions aren't like everybody else's, and my goals are distinctly my own.  Maybe I don't want the things every Mom/Woman/Wife on my block wants, but that's what makes me me.  And I happen to be pretty happy with the person that makes me.

The world will keep on telling me that a hummingbird in a hibiscus tree is lovely.  You won't be seeing me hang a sugar-water feeder anytime soon.  However, if this is a subject we can agree to disagree, there's hope that some other off-the-wall thought in my mind will spark your curiosity...

Honestly, my skin was crawling 

reading this hummingbird trivia

Times Two

"Why did they send you in here today?"

"Just my normal 20-week ultrasound."

"Have you been measuring larger?"

Instant thought to myself: "Great, I'm a month farther along."

Actual response to the questions: "Nope."

LONG pause and then LONG grin...

"Um, there are two babies in there..........................................."

Yep, twins.  Coming out of my body and into our family in September.  Two more boys to add to my all-boy family.  Guess it's a good thing I had my travel mental breakdown 6 weeks ago...

Am I Traveling, Am I Not (A Follow-Up)

I have been on an emotional roller coaster since my post last week and woke up this morning thinking I should share with you where I'm heading.  Thank you for the amazing advice and concern and encouragement I received from several of you!  That's absolutely the best part about writing and putting myself out there.

The big picture answer from my little breakdown is that I am definitely dealing with a life issue.  The struggle between dreams and reality isn't solved overnight and doesn't have a 1-2-3-step process to resolution.  What does that mean?  I'm not going to simply wake up one day having dropped the need to travel and explore and be free from routine.  I can wake up each day recognizing that not every year is going to be a big travel year.  This year, for starters, is not going to find me cavorting overseas and now that I've thought about that clearly, I've accepted it completely.

Even in my muddling last week, I never once considered that I was now trapped in my house, in my yard, in my little community.  Utah provides an incredible opportunity for so many different types of exploring in a very short distance and with summer coming my mind is already packed full of weekend excursions and activities.  That will never change in me, and is just as valid an opportunity to teach my kids about environments different than their own as any other place I could take them in the world.

There is a truth to work through and accept that my freedom to wander the world freely has dwindled and changed.  Yet, right now as I watch my kids squeal while blowing soap bubbles in their breakfast cups it doesn't seem daunting or life-sucking.  My passport application is in the mail and I can keep dreaming.  I never again want logistical details to be what keeps me from dreaming.  But for today I think I'll tackle the housecleaning and the parenting and be excited when my husband gets home.  I'm going to enjoy my family right here where life finds me.

(As part of my "therapy" I promise this summer I'll share some of my adventures with you,

 including my upcoming trip to flea markets of the Heartland,

 and playing tourist with my sister in Southern Utah's national park playland)

The Journey That My Heart Is On

My husband is in Seattle this week.  My boys and I were going to meet him there for the Easter weekend and go exploring on the Olympic Peninsula, but the the weather forecast was for low 50's and rainy.  We're not going.  We were going to go to the Redwoods for my 2-year-old's birthday, but we didn't.  I wanted to drive to San Diego, leave my kids with family, and go on a cruise this summer before the baby comes.  Completely off the table.  And the year-long adventure I've been dreaming about?  Most definitely not going to happen.

In full disclaimer, my kids and I are going back to the Sparks Flea Market next month to hang out with my family.  I used all my frequent flyer miles and all our free hotel nights to get us there.  They were going to waste and it's not looking like I will be using them for anything else anytime soon...I don't travel anymore.

Would you mind being the bounce board for my therapy?  

First, I never have renewed my passport.  The money always kept going elsewhere.  The cruise I mentioned earlier would require a passport and applying now would probably not see that beautiful blue book back in my hands until I'm too pregnant to be sailing.  One weekend I had an idea to fly to Canada and go camping in Banff National Park this summer, or to drive to Alaska to visit friends, but those are things I also can't do without a passport. Please don't offer the advice that I could expedite my renewal.  I know.  That adds to the cost which has been inhibiting me all these months and appears to be staunchly implanted in my brain as an excuse not to go get my new photo taken tomorrow.

Second, life happens when you don't realize you're looking right at it.  For 15 years I've had a personal philosophy that people don't need to settle down until they have children that start school.  And with today's technology, that's not even a resolute reason to change your wandering lifestyle if your family is still out there  having fun.  Five years ago when I had my first baby my ideals didn't change, but since then the trips have become routinely shorter and closer to home.  I HATE when people tell me having kids changes things.  I don't think it's an excuse to quit doing things.  How could I have let that happen to me?  

Now I have my soon-to-be kindergartner registered in an online curriculum  that would enable us to keep taking off on far-away adventures.  So what happens?  Life, again.  All the money we'd saved and sacrifices we've made to pack up and leave town weren't for nothing.  They've just turned out to not be for what we'd thought they would be.  Medical bills for new babies and broken arms and who knows what else is to come turn out to cost just about the same amount of money as backpacking around the world for 9 months in bliss.

As for the third and final reckoning in my brain?  My husband has decided he likes living a comfortable suburban life with a safely predictable job, all of his hobbies, and extra-curricular responsibilities.  He has contentedly settled down.  He won't tell me that matter-of-fact, but it's time for me to accept and start dealing with it.  How do I know that's where he's at in his life right now?  He's quit getting excited when I call out of the blue with a hair-brained plan for where we should take off to on the weekend.  I used to jump in the car and show-up unexpectedly wherever he was working out of town, but now he as much as tells me it'd be more responsible if I stayed home and saved the money.  He's in his fourth year of a job that was always supposed to be the hold-over until a great new adventure came along, but now he talks about a year from now when he'll be working more in the office and less on the road.  The final blow?  The year-long traveling life change I believed in wholeheartedly never evolved further than a passing whimsy to be discarded quickly in my husband's mind.  

Having now had my equivalent hour on the couch, how do I evolve from here?

I have no idea.  Always in my mind are the thoughts that I'm being tested and need to learn to be happy in the moment with the circumstances surrounding me.  That it is noble and normal to live in one house & one town with predictable days forever.  I feel guilty that my vision of motherhood, marriage partnership, and family life is so different from everyone else.  I struggle with wondering why I have to be the one that pretends to be something different than what is deeply rooted inside me.  I dread hearing people tell me not to give up on my dream or lose the wandering part of my soul when I don't see how there is any other option for me.  I don't want to be one of those, "When the children are older," or "We'll do that when we retire" type of people, but that is exactly what is happening. 

That is what is happening to me.  Part of me is being buried and the tightening I feel in my chest when I admit it so I can let it go confirms that I've barely embarked on the most challenging journey yet that my heart has been asked to travel.

I Wandered Off, but I'm Wandering Still...

If you were hanging out with me a year ago, you might remember that I was walking around with a pretty dismal view of the New Year.  In the end, however, 2011 turned out to be a pretty great year.  I had the privilege of teaching some extremely powerful Relief Society lessons where the class taught me more than I possibly could have given to them.    I got to go on a shopping spree.    I traveled with my family to the Grand Canyon, San Diego, all over New Mexico, and a gigantic swap meet in the Midwest.  And I finally found a way to love my hair.  Going into 2012 I have a thousand reasons to be happy and  grateful.

As I think about what I want to accomplish in the coming year, the word that keeps coming to mind is "responsibility."  Nearly every area of my life could be marked with bright red "LAZY" stamp across the top of it.  In cultivating that laziness, I've neglected a lot of people and a lot of opportunities.  It's time for me to get busy being the person I'm supposed to be.

My new resolve breaks down into five basic categories:

~Making my physical world better (one little step, or maybe two)

~Fixing the damage caused by considering myself a stay-at-home mom instead of a homemaker

~Testing my grit as a homeschooling parent before I make a decision I hate

~Realistically making our extended travel plans

~Blogging the way I'm supposed to be.

I'll write about each of those in the coming weeks.  About the blogging, however, I want to apologize now for letting myself get carried away.  The past year on this blog has been so fun, but the past few months, especially, have been unfulfilling. I started this blog as an outlet for thoughts that were important to me.  When people ask what I write about, I tell them, "a little bit faith, a little bit life, a little bit traveling."  Those are the things that are important to me.  I never wanted Wandering Still to be money-making or popularity inducing.  I just wanted to share my thoughts with the people who wanted to listen.  Thank you to those of you who've wandered off with me.  But rest assured, 

2012 is going to find me getting back to "ME."  

I hope you'll join me on the journey.

Uniquely December: Find An Evergreen Day

Today I'm re-sharing a post of one of my favorite childhood holiday memories ...

The winter holidays are meant for kids.  Santa Claus is real, snow falls solely for sledding and building snow families, and a baby (just like I used to be, they'll say) was born in the hay.  When else do we let them bring trees in the house or bury them with brand new toys, shiny paper, and glittery ribbon?  In the thick of it, they'll tell you every bit of it is magical.  It's not until we get a little older that particular pieces of that holiday magic begin to plant themselves in a special part of our memory.  For me, the enchantment was the Christmas tree.

Growing up in Iowa, the formula for the perfect Christmas tree involved waiting for a bitter cold day and swirling biting winds.  The whole family piled out of the station wagon at the country Christmas tree farm, picked up a hacksaw and trudged acres and acres to the farthest, most un-harvested hill.  The arguments then ensued as six girls poured out their hearts in defense of their " perfect"  tree.  Ultimately, Mom got the one she wanted, and the saw went to work chopping down her tree.

The adventure continued on as we dragged our enormous tree back across the snow-laden hills looking for a tractor and trailer willing to give us a ride back to our car.  If we were lucky, the tree would fit in the baler-one year it would not-and a great big Christmas tree bundle got strapped to the top of the car.  Piling back into the station wagon, we raced home to set up our tree.

The happy memories don't end there.  Getting the tree home was only half the act.  Enter Pa-pa and his voice of reason.  "Dawn, that tree is too big.  It won't fit in our house."  He was right nearly every year.  The tree's trunk always  received a second round of shearing before taking it's place front and center in the living room window.

After the tree was decorated and lit, we enjoyed seeing more and more presents accumulate underneath.  We would plug in the lights in the late afternoon and sometime before going to bed, Mom and Dad would unplug it again.  Until Christmas Eve.  On Christmas Eve we all knew the twinkling lights stayed on all night.  Early in the morning (or later in the morning depending on how old we were getting to be), six girls would tumble out of bed, shuffle into the living room and be greeted with the most breathtaking sight!  The glow of the Christmas tree illuminated the room, shining off wrapping paper, and calling attention to a big bag from Santa. Spread out on the floor, in front of the tree, were six stuffed-to-the-brim stockings inviting us to come and partake.  With the allure of new toys, the moment was over in the blink of an eye, but the living room aglow on Christmas morning is what Christmas time magical to me.

Imagine then, the struggle it's been with a husband who grew up a little bit differently.  In a home that in all ways seemed even more frugal than my own, the electric bill at Christmas time apparently just went out the window.  He wants the lights on all the time, day and night and any extra time in between.  Last year we followed each other around, secretly plugging and unplugging.  I was certain he was being obstinate only because he didn't like digging around for the loose cords to fit into the socket.  There had to be a solution before we started our holiday celebrating again this year.

In come our kids.  Even before talking about getting a tree, Beck was telling us excitedly and assuredly that Christmas trees have lots of presents and candy canes.  I have no idea where the candy canes came from, but he was certain and now our tree is covered in candy canes and he's eating one every day.  The first night we had our tree up I heard Beck telling his dad that if he couldn't sleep he would just come out and look at the tree.  The second night we had our tree up, I found him Beck sleeping on the couch and when he woke up the first thing he said was, "I just wanted to lay here and look at this beautiful tree."

A mom's heart melts.  It's a struggle to walk by and see the lights on at all times of the day.  I want my family to know joy the way I remember it as a child.  At the same time, who am I to take away a three-year-old's joy?  Children make the holidays!

Uniquely December: World Aids Awareness Day

I was just a kid when Magic Johnson announced that he had been infected with HIV/AIDS.  Back then everybody was scared.  We didn't know about the disease, didn't understand how it evolved, how it was spread, or what a life with AIDS could be. That was twenty years ago.  Magic Johnson is still living and the face of AIDS has changed tremendously.

I have to admit I haven't had personal experience with HIV/AIDS and honestly have not given much thought to the disease.  I do know that while AIDS is present in people all around the world, infected people everywhere are living longer due to increased research, treatments, awareness, and education.  Unfortunately there are still places where the infection is still an epidemic-in particular, many nations of Africa.

A prominent reason for the AIDS explosion in these undeveloped countries is transfer of the infection from mother to child during pregnancy, birth, and/or breastfeeding  With the uneducated stigma of such a terrible disease, mothers too often receive inadequate information and resources to treat themselves, and they don't know there are precautions they can take to keep their babies healthy and safe.

The good news is that the picture of HIV/AIDS is looking better.  The 2011 UNAIDS report shows a significant drop recently in the number of new infections.  This has to be a result of hard work to increase the availability of testing and education and I've been especially touched by the efforts of the organization mothers2mothers.

mothers2mothers provide a full range of help to mothers in Africa dealing with the AIDS epidemic.  These include:

•  education and support to pregnant women and new mothers living with HIV to increase access and adherence to lifesaving interventions for them and their infants
• Provide education to clients before and after they take their HIV tests during pregnancy
• Provide one-on-one peer education and group support sessions to pregnant women and new mothers with HIV
• Offer services to women together with their partners as a couple

Visit the mothers2mothers website and find out more about the important work they are doing in Africa and Europe.  While you're there check out this sweet idea to get involved...

I have no affiliation with mothers2mothers-just a cause that moved me :)

For more information:

http://www.unaids.org/en/

http://www.aidsresearch.org/index.html

http://www.amfar.org/

http://www.time.com/time/interactive/0,31813,2021888,00.html

Underwater Worlds

When Ben and I were engaged he talked a lot about wanting to learn how to SCUBA dive.  That sounded adventurous and fun so of course I raved about how I wanted to do that too!  This though I'm a pretty terrible swimmer and had panicked the first time I'd tried snorkeling.  Since making such a bold statement, I've had several more opportunities for snorkeling and learning to SCUBA.  The snorkeling is getting better; the SCUBA is probably never going to happen.  What I've learned most of all is to be comfortable with my abilities.

My first snorkeling experience was with a group of friends on an organized tour in Bermuda.  Trying to look cool, and not wanting to look like the old lady on our tour, I declined a life jacket.  I made it about 2 minutes offshore before the guide took me back to the sand.  Brushing that off to my friends as seasickness (or something equally ridiculous) I eagerly followed them out into the open ocean at an abandoned beach hours later.  The underwater rocks beat up my legs and the current beat up my pride.  I spent most of the afternoon fooling around on the shore.

Goofing around with my friend Dave 

I tried exploring underwater depths in the same way several more times with no better results.  Looking good was always the determining factor and I'd rather make up an excuse to not go out rather than looking stupid.  Then, the changing day came.  

Ben and I had found a great little beach cove on the west coast of Mexico.  A local cabana shack charmed me into putting on a life jacket and Ben and I spent the entire day out on the water!  No boat or kayak, no tired arms or fear of drowning-just the two of us floating in the world alone.  It was amazing!  That's the day I set my pride aside and I allowed myself to have fun without embarrassment or worry.

A great snorkeling day

I am never going to be a diver.  It turns out that conquering my minimal swimming skills wasn't nearly as difficult as feeling comfortable with schools of fish swarming through my legs.  I enjoy being in the water and observing the underwater goings-on as I float safely distant from above.  It's true I may never see the most beautiful things down there to see, but I'm out there.  And that's pretty big to me!

 See A-T

Kitchen Kismet

I have been trying for hours to come up with something interesting that starts with "K".  All I can come up with are kitchens and kids.  Or koalas.  Kismet.  And Kit-Kats.  On a love/hate list my kids obviously go on the love side.  Koalas and Kit-Kats somewhere in the middle neutral ground.  My kitchen?  In a heartbeat I would trade in my kitchen.

First let me say that we live in a rental so we have what we have and that's what stays.  Size-wise, it's okay.  There are a lot of cupboards and drawers for storage.  The cupboards are painted gray, which seems like an odd kitchen color to me, but we've decorated in blacks and reds and I guess it's working.  We have a decent amount of counter space, which is an improvement from places I've lived in the past.  And, our stacked washer/dryer are in our kitchen and surprisingly I absolutely love that!

So what are the problems?  Two I can think of.  First, the cupboards are hung over the bar and require a person to bend over nearly parallel to the floor before speaking to the person on the other side-even when you're sitting.  Second, we don't have a dishwasher.  I used to feel spoiled complaining about not having a dishwasher, but not anymore.  It's seriously a problem.  Dirty dishes eliminate all that usable counter space and reality is that they just don't get done everyday.  Plus, if you remember my statement on the proper order of hand washing the dishes, you know my marriage would be much better off with an automated machine doing my dish cleaning.  

In the end, I love cooking, and so love being in my kitchen;  even if I don't love the kitchen itself.  I'll keep making do and dreaming of the day one of these kitchens is part of my home.

Other A-Z

Yummy Yummy Ice Cream

Who on the planet doesn't love ice cream?  Or gelato, or Italian Ice, or frozen yogurt?  Well, anyways, I love ice cream enough for anyone out there who does not partake.

My favorite?  Definitely Chunky Monkey from Ben & Jerry's.

I was going to explain the inner struggle I have supporting Ben & Jerry's (loving their strong corporate culture while hating a number of their political/social stances), but, really, it's just ice cream, and I'm not strong enough to say no. 

In the end, I don't patronize their scoop shops anymore, but if my husband brings a pint home to smooth over our latest disagreement, I'm hardly going to turn down the cold and creamy treat.  Can you blame me?

Missed A-H?

In My Heart On...Friday

A day late, but worth sharing a thought that's inspiring me...

“When we get out of the glass bottle of our ego and when we escape like the squirrels in the cage of our personality and get into the forest again, we shall shiver with cold and fright. But things will happen to us so that we don’t know ourselves. Cool, unlying life will rush in.” 


                                                                                                                         – D. H. Lawrence

In My Heart On Thursday

-Lisa Jan South,  Ensign, Febrary 2011

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints held their annual General Conference this weekend.  Available almost immediately world-wide via internet streaming and radio broadcast, I still appreciate the blessing of living in Utah and being able to watch it live on network tv.  This year I tried to keep my boys interested with coloring pages and crafts that taught the names of the leaders who were speaking.  For the first time in many years I was able to enjoy all four sessions without too many child distractions.  

So many of the messages spoke directly to troubles or worries I have in my life, but the talk I can't get out of my head today was by Elder Lynn G. Robbins.

The difference between "doing" and "being."  I asked my husband last night what he needs from me-how I can be a better wife and make his life more enjoyable.  I was expecting a long list of chores like "put away the laundry instead of leaving it folded in the clothes basket for a week" and "have all the toys put away when I get home from work at the end of the day."  Instead he poured out his heart with his desires for me to remember the beautiful person I was when we were first together.  He didn't have a big gold star to award me when I finished a checklist of household duties.  Instead he shared the pain he feels as he sees me pulling away from him and our kids, and his fear that one day I will wake up not able to remember what it means to be happy.

Now, there's no need to rush out and put me into therapy.  I have spent a lot of time lately very introverted and selfishly looking only at me.  There's a slippery slope in that and I've allowed myself to start down it.  Not too far down, though and to see that today is very refreshing.

The reason it matters to me so much all of a sudden?  A great opportunity to fulfill a dream has opened up unexpectedly.  It's the right time and will be incredibly successful, but I don't have my cards in order.  Quite a few other messages given this weekend stressed the importance of being ready for the blessings of eternity when they become available to you.  Obviously I'm already married and have two beautiful little boys; what I've neglected to work on is my time management and putting them at the center of my life.  It's hard to convince them that starting a huge new endeavour won't leave them even more in the peripheral of my eye.

And so, that is what I am starting on today.  Rededicating myself to the small and simple things-daily prayer and scripture study, listening and praising, putting away the laundry and maybe even helping wash the dishes.  The other project is going to move forward and that's exciting as well as scary.  Hopefully re-creating the strength of love for my family, myself, and my relationship with my Heavenly Father will be the piece of the puzzle that makes this upcoming venture attainable.

The Devil Hates You

That's what my husband said to me last night.  I had just told him I was really unhappy and felt like I was being punished for 15 years of selfish decisions.  He saw it differently.  This is what he had to say:

We have two incredible children.  The older is brilliant and funny and incredibly hard to lead.  He lives life with complete emotion and isn't easily swayed to do what he knows is wrong.  The younger brought to earth the joy of heaven and a smile that can brighten even the darkest day.  They are both supported by the love of their Heavenly Father and my role is to raise them righteously.  As strong as they are, they will still need a mother who can teach them how to love and serve and rely on the powers of the Atonement in hopes of returning to live with their Father in Heaven.

The devil is aware.  He knows the struggle it's going to be to get at my children and attacks the target he sees as weak.  That's me.

"...and he shall wear out the saints of the most High..."-Daniel 7:25

A few weeks ago I read an enlightening commentary on the Devil as Accuser.  The author described Satan as the one who incites us to sin and then stands by to remind us, accuse us, and taunt us about every thing we have ever done wrong.  My husband equated the devil to "The Big Tattle-Tale." When he stands before God and brags about the terrible we are doing, the Lord turns away without giving his words one moment of thought.  Not to be rebuked, though, the devil retreats and returns to working on an audience more receptive to his message.

"And the dragon was wroth with the woman, and went to make war with the remnant of her seed, which keep the commandments of God, and have the testimony of Jesus Christ."-Revelations 12:17

It became clear to me after reading this article and doing my own study of the scriptures that Satan is after the righteous.  He has nothing to gain from a person living a life less than that.  That is the point my husband, last night, was making.  As I try to follow the commandments of God and raise my boys to make righteous choices, the devil attacks me.  He gets afraid of losing ground and when I don't make it easy for him he sends his minions to surround me with a constant barrage of evil thoughts, self doubt, and thoughts of giving in to make sure that he wins in the end.

"Submit yourselves, therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you...For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us...that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."-James 4:7, Romans 8:18,38-39

My night and conversation with my husband did not end with a great lightening of worries and cares; the devil's stronghold is hard to break.  But I was able to get out of bed this morning knowing that I have a new opportunity each day to access the blessings of the Savior's Atonement for me. The Devil may hate me, but the Lord has not given up on me.  He will protect me, and my boys, until that day when I can once again stand before Him full of humility and account that I tried my hardest with the life that was given to me.  

In My Heart On Thursday

"My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectation."

-Michael J. Fox,  A Funny Thing Happened On the Way To the Future

To Be Loved

I had the privilege to attend a talk by Elvin R. Tanner last week.  He is an accomplished psychologist and professor.  He and his wife live in my church ward and are such a great example.  Married more than 50 years, they still dote over each other and can count the number of arguments they've had on one hand.  The topic of the talk was love.  Any lecture with such generic subject matter has the possibility of being very bland, but my heart was touched.  The Lord gently reproved me for laziness in my most important relationships and encouraged me through expert advice to wake on a new day and share my love in the way He shares His love with me every day.

"Do you know how hard it is to love a porcupine?"

Think about that for a moment.  Originally the question was asked by a mother to her contentious teenage daughter (thanks, Emily, for sharing).  Tired of hearing her daughter proclaim, "You don't love me!", the mother decided to pull her aside and explain this very simple life lesson.  It changed their relationship tremendously.

Are teenagers the only prickly people on the planet?  Definitely not.  It is humbling to think of how I would hate to be greeted at the end of a work day by a grumbling spouse or harangued with a "honey-do" list a mile long and an equal amount of criticism to go along with it.  How would I react if every time I tried to get attention, the people most important in my life brushed me off with an abrupt, "I'm busy right now," or "I don't have time."  

"If you would be loved, love and be lovable." -Benjamin Franklin

Do you know a person without the desire to be loved?  Of course not.  But, how many people do you know who are completely content in all of their relationships?  There are some out there, and what a delight they are to know and learn from; their countenances truly shine.   I fear, however, that there are far more people out there in a situation similar to mine.  Quick to point out faults and pick apart weaknesses.  We're not a world full of Peggy Bundy bon-bon eaters, but we do spend too much effort wondering why our friends don't reach out to us more often and why our family members are distant.  

We need to pour out sincere, unselfish love on a daily basis.  It needs to become a habit in our everyday lives.  Learn what makes your husband smile and do it.  Pay attention to your child's latest passion, learn about it, and engage them.  Smile when your loved ones are around and surprise them with unexpected praise.  Maybe it's become a habit to complain with friends about everything wrong in the world.  Next time you get together, spread compliments around on what wonderful women they are.  Or, better yet, pay attention to their normal complaints and troubles. I guarantee we're missing out on ample opportunities for service and love when we spend our days only focusing on what we want and what we're missing. 

"You selected him."

A recent study concluded that women are stressed because their husbands are ugly. They determined that while courting and as newlyweds, we are blinded to a person's look by the good things they do and love they pour out upon us.  Over the years, as the courting ends we're left with the less-than-attractive facade covering a realistically attractive inner being.  My husband and I have gotten a fair share of joking out of these findings, but there is real inspiration in it.  In most cases the person we wed on our wedding day is the same person we were married to the next day and the same person we are still married to today.  Our rose-colored glasses may be fading enough to allow us to see some of their shortcomings, but those have probably existed from day one and they may have even been endearing way back then.  

My point is, he's the person you chose to fall in love with.  I'm not implying that the world is inhabited by women who hate the man their married to, but we do, as whole, tend to be a little critical.  We knit-pick and nag.  I'm suggesting that the next time we feel the fleeting urge to complain again about the dirty socks on the floor or argue about who should change the oil in the car, that we should stand back and sneak a look at the man standing before us.  I hope the person we allow ourselves to see standing before us is the man and the tender spirit we chose to love all those years ago.

"Love is a spiritual attitude. As you love God, love your mate."

Love is a gift from God.  He has given it to us asking little in return.  To spread it amongst the people we meet.  To make the world a better place by sharing love with others.  To remember Him and all we have been given.  

This was my "ah-ha" moment while listening to this lecture on love.  My Heavenly Father has given me more love than I deserve and continues to pour it out upon me.  His Son made the sacrifice to come to the Earth and leave a followable example of how to administer love perfectly.  There is not a chance that my earthly relationships will flourish if I am not fully cultivating my spiritual relationship with they who embody the essence of love.  As I become closer to them, pray to them, and seek for guidance, I will discover greater strength and desire to spread love to the people in my home, my community, and the world.  The more I study the creators of love, the more I will understand the way it works and the good it can do.  I will be more accepting of myself, more genuine to my friends, more serving to my family.  

My desire on this Valentine's Day is that we, as women, will have the desire to find love within ourselves.  Love who we are.  Love the people we have chosen and have been given.  Love people who haven't asked for love.  And love the One who has given us the opportunity.

Learning From Memory

Le Havre, France.  Not a town most people would know or remember.  Probably it's only claim to fame is being a logistically decent place for cruise ships to stop and send their passengers off for day tours of Omaha Beach and other noteworthy WWII sites.  Give me a few paragraphs, though, to convince you of it's redeeming property.

Travel back in time with me to April 2008.  My husband Ben and I, with our 1-yr-old son Beck, set off on a celebratory tour of the continent of Europe.  Ben had finally finished his bachelor's degree so we packed our bags, got on a plane, and flew away!  Not until we were halfway across the Atlantic Ocean did we realize we'd left behind an important piece of equipment.

This is Beck:

No, he isn't what we left behind. But, at age one, you can imagine that Beck was an incredibly mobile child-not yet walking, but more than willing to get himself somewhere in a high-speed crawl.  Even at his best, however, we could hardly expect him to make do on his own for 6 weeks of budget traveling.

Figured out what the missing equipment was yet?  We'd left our backpack carrier in the car at home.  All of a sudden the idea of carrying a squirming, wiggly baby in our arms for hours and hours and days and days seemed daunting.  It was the first time we'd considered that traveling with a child might not be fun.

Enter Le Havre.  We happened to be there at the beginning of our journey and an angel of a tourism official directed us to a second-hand store where we might be able to find redemption.  She seemed ashamed not to be able to send us to a fancy department store.  We gave prayers of gratitude that our first unexpected purchase with euros might not break the bank.

This is the store:

Neither Ben or I speak French and the shopkeeper of this adorable store knew very little English.  After a lot of pointing at Beck and then at our backs, we found ourselves following this nice lady out of her store and up three flights of stairs next door.  She unlocked a door and offered up her entire store room for us to find what we were looking for.  We were inundated with choices and she let us try on everyone.  Grateful and overwhelmed we finally settled on the pack we liked and hoped we had enough money in our pockets.  Truth is, to this day I don't know how much we paid for that backpack carrier.  What I do know is that it was worth it's weight in gold!

This is the pack: 

Honestly, it was perfect!  Beck slept in it, ate in it, laughed in it, played in it.  He rode on our backs through  eight countries.  It was incredibly comfortable and I carried him on my back for six of the seven miles on the Cinque Terre Trail in Italy.  That accomplishment is still a feather in my cap!  We have searched high and low and haven't found this exact backpack anywhere.  They don't exist.  But we have one.  It's our little miracle.

Why, you're asking, am I taking you on this trip down memory lane?  I mentioned in my New Year's post and also my Wandering Still post that my goal for a year from now is to be traveling and exploring exotic locations.  Ben and I have finally talked it out sensibly and we are really going to make it happen!  We have debts to pay before we can start the planning, but knowing that he knows how important is to me has given me the hope I needed to start openly dreaming.  

These are the lessons: 

     ~We've done it before.  Let people be confused and think we're being irrational.  Kids travel and we wouldn't think of leaving them home.

    ~Things will most certainly not go completely as planned.  We'll forget things and there may be setbacks and delays.  That makes journeying all the more exhilarating.

    ~I love my family.  I easily get bogged down in my day-to-day.  Life doesn't magically become perfect when I pack my bags and sail away.  My husband and two cute boys are going to be there along the way.  If I can learn to make the most of the time I have here with them, they'll make sure we live life to the fullest when they're out there (wherever there may be) with me. And that is all I'm hoping for.

And lastly:

    ~Don't leave the backpack carrier in the car at home!

Where True Friends Are

As my Google Friend Connect following inches closer to that magic number of 100, I'm having a number of "new blogger" thoughts.  But, the thing is, I'm not really a new blogger.  I wrote my first entry for Wandering Still in 2007.  And about that same time I started my family's blog as well.

Gaining a "following" on this blog has been both exciting, motivating, and discouraging.  At first I was excited that there were people on the planet who wanted to read what I had to say.  And not only read it, but relate to it and respond back in some way.  The responses back were particularly motivating.  If there are people interested in what I have to say, then I'll give them more interesting things to read.  I see how that cycle works...that makes writing great for everyone.

The discouragement has come over the past few weeks as I've deleted scores of comments shamelessly advertising for other people's blogs.  I honestly could care less if you have hours everyday to scour bloghops and  directories looking for innocent bloggers who haven't religiously decided to follow your giveaways and freebies.  I have a life that doesn't involve always being attached to my computer, and I'm not going to follow you unless I want what you have to say to come across in my Google Reader and somehow enlighten my day.

Mean?  That's my truth.  And I'm comfortable saying it because I don't know most of you.  I know not every single thing I write is going to strike a chord in my readers.  On those days, I hope you make a promise to come back and see what I have to say the next time.  And let me know-even if you don't like it!

Where am I not comfortable expressing these feelings so clearly?  On my family blog.  If you were to hop over there right now you'd see my GFC counter has "0" connections.  Now, I have a handful of relatives that subscribe through a reader or an email subscription and I love them for that!  The trouble comes in the truth that that handful of people in my life are the extent of all the people I know who have one care to keep up with what's going on in the life of my kids or our family.

As I've started writing more frequently and perusing the wealth of blogs out there, I see that my family blog could easily do well if I decided to make it public.  I've resisted doing that for the sake of privacy and also to save my dignity...I feel like I'd end up making it public in a moment of desperation for SOMEONE to pay attention to me.  Obviously my husband and kids and myself don't need approval or high-fives for everything we do and everywhere we go.  But, just as when I write on this blog solely for the purpose of interacting with other people's thoughts and ideas, it'd be nice if our personal experiences were able to motivate or interest the people with which we share a personal connection.

So what is the answer?  Both in general writing blogs and in personal blogs?  How do you manage your friend connections?  What advice do you have for building up a committed and interested following?  And what made you decide to or not to publicly share your personal family blogs for all the world to see?  I'm just wondering.