In My Heart On Thursday (Dreams)

"Everyone has an official wish list of things they think are "reasonable". What about the unofficial wish list? The one that common sense tells you to ignore? The list that exists deep in your mind, the list that keeps you up at night, that makes your toes wiggle when you think of it? Why not choose that list for a change? How long have you dreamed of being, having, and doing what you really want? Think big, as when it comes to your goals, the size of your ambition does matter."

-First Rule of Success:  Be Decisive, Gary Ryan Blair

Am I Traveling, Am I Not (A Follow-Up)

I have been on an emotional roller coaster since my post last week and woke up this morning thinking I should share with you where I'm heading.  Thank you for the amazing advice and concern and encouragement I received from several of you!  That's absolutely the best part about writing and putting myself out there.

The big picture answer from my little breakdown is that I am definitely dealing with a life issue.  The struggle between dreams and reality isn't solved overnight and doesn't have a 1-2-3-step process to resolution.  What does that mean?  I'm not going to simply wake up one day having dropped the need to travel and explore and be free from routine.  I can wake up each day recognizing that not every year is going to be a big travel year.  This year, for starters, is not going to find me cavorting overseas and now that I've thought about that clearly, I've accepted it completely.

Even in my muddling last week, I never once considered that I was now trapped in my house, in my yard, in my little community.  Utah provides an incredible opportunity for so many different types of exploring in a very short distance and with summer coming my mind is already packed full of weekend excursions and activities.  That will never change in me, and is just as valid an opportunity to teach my kids about environments different than their own as any other place I could take them in the world.

There is a truth to work through and accept that my freedom to wander the world freely has dwindled and changed.  Yet, right now as I watch my kids squeal while blowing soap bubbles in their breakfast cups it doesn't seem daunting or life-sucking.  My passport application is in the mail and I can keep dreaming.  I never again want logistical details to be what keeps me from dreaming.  But for today I think I'll tackle the housecleaning and the parenting and be excited when my husband gets home.  I'm going to enjoy my family right here where life finds me.

(As part of my "therapy" I promise this summer I'll share some of my adventures with you,

 including my upcoming trip to flea markets of the Heartland,

 and playing tourist with my sister in Southern Utah's national park playland)

The Journey That My Heart Is On

My husband is in Seattle this week.  My boys and I were going to meet him there for the Easter weekend and go exploring on the Olympic Peninsula, but the the weather forecast was for low 50's and rainy.  We're not going.  We were going to go to the Redwoods for my 2-year-old's birthday, but we didn't.  I wanted to drive to San Diego, leave my kids with family, and go on a cruise this summer before the baby comes.  Completely off the table.  And the year-long adventure I've been dreaming about?  Most definitely not going to happen.

In full disclaimer, my kids and I are going back to the Sparks Flea Market next month to hang out with my family.  I used all my frequent flyer miles and all our free hotel nights to get us there.  They were going to waste and it's not looking like I will be using them for anything else anytime soon...I don't travel anymore.

Would you mind being the bounce board for my therapy?  

First, I never have renewed my passport.  The money always kept going elsewhere.  The cruise I mentioned earlier would require a passport and applying now would probably not see that beautiful blue book back in my hands until I'm too pregnant to be sailing.  One weekend I had an idea to fly to Canada and go camping in Banff National Park this summer, or to drive to Alaska to visit friends, but those are things I also can't do without a passport. Please don't offer the advice that I could expedite my renewal.  I know.  That adds to the cost which has been inhibiting me all these months and appears to be staunchly implanted in my brain as an excuse not to go get my new photo taken tomorrow.

Second, life happens when you don't realize you're looking right at it.  For 15 years I've had a personal philosophy that people don't need to settle down until they have children that start school.  And with today's technology, that's not even a resolute reason to change your wandering lifestyle if your family is still out there  having fun.  Five years ago when I had my first baby my ideals didn't change, but since then the trips have become routinely shorter and closer to home.  I HATE when people tell me having kids changes things.  I don't think it's an excuse to quit doing things.  How could I have let that happen to me?  

Now I have my soon-to-be kindergartner registered in an online curriculum  that would enable us to keep taking off on far-away adventures.  So what happens?  Life, again.  All the money we'd saved and sacrifices we've made to pack up and leave town weren't for nothing.  They've just turned out to not be for what we'd thought they would be.  Medical bills for new babies and broken arms and who knows what else is to come turn out to cost just about the same amount of money as backpacking around the world for 9 months in bliss.

As for the third and final reckoning in my brain?  My husband has decided he likes living a comfortable suburban life with a safely predictable job, all of his hobbies, and extra-curricular responsibilities.  He has contentedly settled down.  He won't tell me that matter-of-fact, but it's time for me to accept and start dealing with it.  How do I know that's where he's at in his life right now?  He's quit getting excited when I call out of the blue with a hair-brained plan for where we should take off to on the weekend.  I used to jump in the car and show-up unexpectedly wherever he was working out of town, but now he as much as tells me it'd be more responsible if I stayed home and saved the money.  He's in his fourth year of a job that was always supposed to be the hold-over until a great new adventure came along, but now he talks about a year from now when he'll be working more in the office and less on the road.  The final blow?  The year-long traveling life change I believed in wholeheartedly never evolved further than a passing whimsy to be discarded quickly in my husband's mind.  

Having now had my equivalent hour on the couch, how do I evolve from here?

I have no idea.  Always in my mind are the thoughts that I'm being tested and need to learn to be happy in the moment with the circumstances surrounding me.  That it is noble and normal to live in one house & one town with predictable days forever.  I feel guilty that my vision of motherhood, marriage partnership, and family life is so different from everyone else.  I struggle with wondering why I have to be the one that pretends to be something different than what is deeply rooted inside me.  I dread hearing people tell me not to give up on my dream or lose the wandering part of my soul when I don't see how there is any other option for me.  I don't want to be one of those, "When the children are older," or "We'll do that when we retire" type of people, but that is exactly what is happening. 

That is what is happening to me.  Part of me is being buried and the tightening I feel in my chest when I admit it so I can let it go confirms that I've barely embarked on the most challenging journey yet that my heart has been asked to travel.

In My Heart On Thursday

What are you planning for the New Year?

A Little Piece of Paper Defines Me

My passport has expired.  I'd lost my driver's license and was hunting for the legal documents I needed to replace it when I came across the well-worn little blue book.  I opened it up to take a mini-trip down memory lane and instantly felt a dagger of pain tear through my traveling soul.  I let out a scream and started to cry.  My husband came running to see what was the matter and then stood in a stupor fearing I'd finally completely lost my mind.  I felt like my life was over.

The truth is that my life has been changing.  I've noticed over the past few months that my travel-planning is more of an afterthought.  The dreams are constantly in my mind, but the opportunities pass and I'm left reflecting on how I let practicality or financial responsibility make the decision for me.  Where in the past I would have spent the last two months spontaneously road-tripping, the farthest I've actually been is 2 hours from home on a Sunday afternoon.  It's a numb feeling inside of me that normally would have me kicking and screaming.  Instead I'm resigning to my current reality.

Which is not to say that all is lost for me!  I've written before about the big plans my family has for traveling. That dream is still alive and well.  And to reawaken the life-breath inside of me, I'm going to share the latest rendition of our plans with you...

I recently discovered that kindergarten is not required in the state of Utah.  This is wonderful news for me!  Our little boy Beck will be old enough to start school  in September 2012, one year from now, and so that has become our target date for packing up and leaving.  Rather than loading up with notebooks and pencils, his backpack will be full of maps and traveling activities (he is adorably in love with reading maps and telling us the way).

We're going to go east first for a stay with my family in the Midwest and a chance for my husband to work and make a little more money before leaving the country.  After that the world is wide open for 9 months of traveling.  Right now we're thinking to spend a month at a time divided between cute comfortable cottage-like rentals and camping;  a temporary home-base where we can get get a feel for community, but also venture out for days at a time and see the most of what there is to see.

More details?  No, not yet.  It's still a year away.  Right now I only have one important job to complete:  Tomorrow's mail will carry my passport renewal form and photos away, along with my 18-month-old son Peyton's first application.  I remember the excitement I felt seeing Beck's photo inside his very own passport, and I know it will be a party the day our mailwoman delivers my travel freedom back to me.

I promise future posts on where we're going to go, how we'll make sure Beck gets his kindergarten education on the road, and many other travel-related topics that get me smiling.  Until then, I'd love to hear anything you have to say!

Doing Something That Makes You Happy

I went to a free concert last Friday with my family to see a band called Moosebutter.  Self-billed as a comedy acapella group, I had never seen them in person, but was promised a night of hilarity.  Not necessarily because the band is good or funny, but because my in-laws are notorious for making fun of something until you're laughing so hard they start laughing at you.

Moosebutter on Friday night consisted of four middle-aged guys (I say middle-aged hesitantly because one of them went to school with my husband and that would mean I've now labelled myself with that heavy moniker) jumping around and shouting out melodic song parodies.  I think sometimes they have only two guys and maybe sometimes they have five or six.  This night there was a beat-boxer, a phenomenal falsetto, and two other guys.  About every 10 minutes I found them genuinely entertaining, and then I morphed back into complete boredom and confusion.  The show went on for nearly two hours and while my very first impression was that this was 4 winded guys who needed to sit down after the first stanza, by the end I was at least impressed that they were all still standing.

As the show ended, the park lights came up, and we were forced to rationalize the two hours of life we'd just lost, my thoughts went this way:

~That was really bad...I think I stared straight without blinking for at least half an hour
~Alright, they obviously have an audience.  The stage was three-deep with pre-tweens that couldn't contain their enthusiasm.  And, oddly (or sadly), there was an occasional uproar of attention from the larger audience which would indicate that at least the parent's of those pre-tweens were paying attention.
~Good for them for knowing their audience and not pretending they're trying to do anything more...well, surely they hope to be something more, but for now it's a great idea to work with what you've got.

Then I got a tad bit melancholy.  As I listened to the last of the jokes putter out around me, it hit me:  These are four guys who have found something they love to do and are making a living doing it.  As I've done more research (on their humble website) I've come to the conclusion that this definitely is not a day job for any of them.  Maybe that makes it acceptably better-a hobby that people are in some degree willing to indulge occasionally.  Sounds pretty amazing!

On our way out of the venue, my husband made an effort to talk to the Moosebutter member he'd once palled around with.  That is when the oddity and reality finally hit me.  "Mr. Tim" is definitely my husband's age (just to clarify that's only around 35, we're not ancient yet).  He shared great insight on the pitfalls of performing in that particular type of venue with parent-less children storming the stage.  He looked tired, but was so obviously still the center of attention amongst all the Moosebutter groupies.  Then, as we were talking a boy looking  at least 10-years-old came up and called Mr. Tim "dad."  Everyone in our party did a double-take.  Turns out Mr. Tim has SIX kids and still finds time to dress up in a red monkey suit and babble nonsensically onstage every now and then.

Moosebutter in concert ended up being a shot in the arm for me.  Big deal that I didn't find myself entertained beyond my wildest belief, and how impressive is it that we made ourselves feel better by mocking people more willing to share their talents than we ever will be.  I have great ideas about living the life I want rather than the life society has pigeon-holed for me.  People are doing it!  Moosebutter is doing it!  I want to being it, too!

Bring On Spring

 A few weeks ago I broke my resolve to save money by suppressing all travel desires.  With 24-hour's notice and an invitation from family to join them in the Grand Canyon, I hastily packed my bags, loaded bewildered kids in the car, and hit the open road.  It was the perfect way to welcome spring and summer adventure back from hibernation.

Apparently a little too perfect because now my imagination has gotten the best of me.  With extended family trips already scheduled to San Diego in the summer and Iowa in the winter most people's vacation budget would be full.  I guess it's all in your priorities.  My home is humble and my kids wear hand-me-down clothes and that's fine for me.  Its what makes the going possible.

So what else is on the itinerary?  Well....

~An unexpected additional trip to Iowa and Kansas next week.  Fact is, I miss my family.  And my boys miss playing with grandpa's antique toy trucks. So we're going.  Simple as that.

A July wedding in the Washington D.C. LDS temple that I'd love to go to, but probably will be the first item on the chopping block when reality sets in. 

Relaxing weekends at a "secret" beach-side camping spot

~Hiking in the Utah  mountain canyons.

~Lots of sun and fun at our local waterpark

~Parades and city festivals until we can't bear to take one more piece of free candy or cheap advertisement

~Meeting my sister half-way between here and there for a random weekend meet-up (hint, hint, Beth)

The Albuquerque Balloon Fiesta with side trips to

 White Sands National Monument

and the Kasha-Katuwe Tent Rocks National Monument

   And if I'm lucky, an incomprehensible number of things I haven't dreamed up yet!

What have you dared to dream into your summer travel adventures?

Dreams Come True

I saved and I planned and my $100 dream day finally came.  Here's a timeline of the whole event:

March 25th-Ben and I pulled out his ridiculously busy calendar and penciled in the only day he had free for the rest of ever.  April 7 was my only option.

April 6th, 2:00pm-Ben calls to ask how I would feel about pushing the day back a couple weeks.  He decided to call at the last minute instead of texting to hear the truth in voice when I tell him it's fine.  Smart guy.

April 6th, 6:00pm-Ben gets home and knows it's not fine.  Tries to cancel his work meeting but I won't let him.  He finds a baby-sitter so I won't make his next few weeks miserable.

April 7th-SHOPPING DAY!
     8:30 Pack the kids off with dad and on my way to Salt Lake City
     9:00 Pull into my first store-Sugarhouse-and discover the store doesn't open until 10AM.  Apparently nothing in Sugarhouse opens before 10AM...except Old Navy...so that's where I went.  And I spend my first $8.00 of the day...at Old Navy, not a DI...on a pair of earrings and bracelet.  It was nice to start my day of thrifting with something brand new.

      9:55 Back at DI I come upon the oddest phenomenon: DI groupies.  The doors opened two minutes early and the throngs swarmed into the store like hungry mice.

     11:00AM On to the downtown store.  Feeling a little nostalgic now.  I lived in Salt Lake briefly in 2002 and bought my first couch at this store.  Fast forward nine years and I discover that DI clerks can actually be friendly.  I seriously thought it was part of the training to be grumpy and unsociable.  The young return missionary put a smile on my face.

     1:00PM The Welfare Square store.  How can you not feel inspired here?  With the granary, cannery, bakery, bishop's storehouse, and dairy facilities surrounding the shared parking lot it's hard not to be amazed at the humanitarian aid efforts taking place at this very spot.  

Oh, and I almost passed out here.  Who knew a full day of shopping would require remembering to stop and eat lunch?

     2:30PM-Eat McDonald's in the parking lot of the Murray DI while it starts to rain...then snow...then thunder...then snow some more.

     4:00PM-Hear a news story on the radio that makes me laugh.  As I'm pulling into the Redwood Road store I call Ben to tell him about it.  After such a great day and relaxing without the kids the two of us are laughing on the phone like we haven't for along time.  When I realize I'm sitting in the car shivering we hang up and I run inside.

    

     5:15PM-Finish at the Redwood Road store, reach into my purse for my keys, and distinctly remember being distracted on the phone and leaving them in the ignition.  Yep, all four car doors locked and the keys just hanging there taunting me.  Ben tries to unlock it by clicking his key faub, sending the signal through our phones, and into the door.  It doesn't work.  He loads up the kids and heads to Salt Lake in the snow.

     5:20PM-I re-enter the Redwood Road store, find a book to read and make my self conspicuously comfortable on a sofa.

     6:00PM-Ben pulls in and unlocks the car without even getting out of his vehicle.  Some lady tries to make small talk like she has no idea I'm at the end of a DI shopping spree and have just foolishly locked my keys in my car.  Ben insists I go to my last store even though I feel stupid he had to come rescue me and know I should just follow him home in embarrassed submission.  Yet, the shopping high is still in my blood somewhere and I really do want to go to the last store...so I do.

    6:30PM-Last store of my day is in Sandy.  Maybe I should have gone on down to American Fork.  The location of this store scares me a little, even during the day...

  

    6:35PM-Now I know I should have skipped this location.  The clerk, much more the expected norm for a DI clerk, was sneakily shining a laser pointer at customers as they passed through the aisles.  He creeped me out.  I skipped half the racks and moved to the opposite side of the store.

     9:00 Home again, home again, jiggety jig.  Exhausted, but happy, and with $6.00 to put back in the bank for the next off-the-wall dream I decide to dream. 

The Final Days

A few weeks ago I mentioned a blogging grant I'd applied for.  At the time it was a bit of a pipe-dream.  Since then an opportunity has opened up to take my little dream and make it into something big.  To say I'm excited would be A ridiculous understatement. 

The dream is going forward. This grant would be the icing on the cake.  Will you help by voting and sharing the link with your friends?  Voting ends April 15 and you can vote daily.  

EXPLORING OUT MY FRONT DOOR 

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints held their annual General Conference this weekend.  Available almost immediately world-wide via internet streaming and radio broadcast, I still appreciate the blessing of living in Utah and being able to watch it live on network tv.  This year I tried to keep my boys interested with coloring pages and crafts that taught the names of the leaders who were speaking.  For the first time in many years I was able to enjoy all four sessions without too many child distractions.  

So many of the messages spoke directly to troubles or worries I have in my life, but the talk I can't get out of my head today was by Elder Lynn G. Robbins.

The difference between "doing" and "being."  I asked my husband last night what he needs from me-how I can be a better wife and make his life more enjoyable.  I was expecting a long list of chores like "put away the laundry instead of leaving it folded in the clothes basket for a week" and "have all the toys put away when I get home from work at the end of the day."  Instead he poured out his heart with his desires for me to remember the beautiful person I was when we were first together.  He didn't have a big gold star to award me when I finished a checklist of household duties.  Instead he shared the pain he feels as he sees me pulling away from him and our kids, and his fear that one day I will wake up not able to remember what it means to be happy.

Now, there's no need to rush out and put me into therapy.  I have spent a lot of time lately very introverted and selfishly looking only at me.  There's a slippery slope in that and I've allowed myself to start down it.  Not too far down, though and to see that today is very refreshing.

The reason it matters to me so much all of a sudden?  A great opportunity to fulfill a dream has opened up unexpectedly.  It's the right time and will be incredibly successful, but I don't have my cards in order.  Quite a few other messages given this weekend stressed the importance of being ready for the blessings of eternity when they become available to you.  Obviously I'm already married and have two beautiful little boys; what I've neglected to work on is my time management and putting them at the center of my life.  It's hard to convince them that starting a huge new endeavour won't leave them even more in the peripheral of my eye.

And so, that is what I am starting on today.  Rededicating myself to the small and simple things-daily prayer and scripture study, listening and praising, putting away the laundry and maybe even helping wash the dishes.  The other project is going to move forward and that's exciting as well as scary.  Hopefully re-creating the strength of love for my family, myself, and my relationship with my Heavenly Father will be the piece of the puzzle that makes this upcoming venture attainable.

In My Heart On Thursday

Before the thought that's inspiring me, a bit of business to get out of the way.

~You can now find Wandering Still on Facebook and Twitter.  Link to either one on the right side of this page or by clicking the hyperlinks above.

~I've applied to win a blogging grant at Mom Central.  It's an idea I feel passionately about and have dreamt of for a longtime.  This would be the opportunity to make it work.  View my vision and vote at:

  Exploring Out My Front Door

And now the words you came here for...

"No amount of falls will really undo us if we keep on picking ourselves up each time. 

 We shall of course be very muddy and tattered by the time we reach home.

  But the bathrooms are all ready, the towels put out,

 and the clean clothes in the cupboard."

                                                                              -C. S. Lewis   

Learning From Memory

Le Havre, France.  Not a town most people would know or remember.  Probably it's only claim to fame is being a logistically decent place for cruise ships to stop and send their passengers off for day tours of Omaha Beach and other noteworthy WWII sites.  Give me a few paragraphs, though, to convince you of it's redeeming property.

Travel back in time with me to April 2008.  My husband Ben and I, with our 1-yr-old son Beck, set off on a celebratory tour of the continent of Europe.  Ben had finally finished his bachelor's degree so we packed our bags, got on a plane, and flew away!  Not until we were halfway across the Atlantic Ocean did we realize we'd left behind an important piece of equipment.

This is Beck:

No, he isn't what we left behind. But, at age one, you can imagine that Beck was an incredibly mobile child-not yet walking, but more than willing to get himself somewhere in a high-speed crawl.  Even at his best, however, we could hardly expect him to make do on his own for 6 weeks of budget traveling.

Figured out what the missing equipment was yet?  We'd left our backpack carrier in the car at home.  All of a sudden the idea of carrying a squirming, wiggly baby in our arms for hours and hours and days and days seemed daunting.  It was the first time we'd considered that traveling with a child might not be fun.

Enter Le Havre.  We happened to be there at the beginning of our journey and an angel of a tourism official directed us to a second-hand store where we might be able to find redemption.  She seemed ashamed not to be able to send us to a fancy department store.  We gave prayers of gratitude that our first unexpected purchase with euros might not break the bank.

This is the store:

Neither Ben or I speak French and the shopkeeper of this adorable store knew very little English.  After a lot of pointing at Beck and then at our backs, we found ourselves following this nice lady out of her store and up three flights of stairs next door.  She unlocked a door and offered up her entire store room for us to find what we were looking for.  We were inundated with choices and she let us try on everyone.  Grateful and overwhelmed we finally settled on the pack we liked and hoped we had enough money in our pockets.  Truth is, to this day I don't know how much we paid for that backpack carrier.  What I do know is that it was worth it's weight in gold!

This is the pack: 

Honestly, it was perfect!  Beck slept in it, ate in it, laughed in it, played in it.  He rode on our backs through  eight countries.  It was incredibly comfortable and I carried him on my back for six of the seven miles on the Cinque Terre Trail in Italy.  That accomplishment is still a feather in my cap!  We have searched high and low and haven't found this exact backpack anywhere.  They don't exist.  But we have one.  It's our little miracle.

Why, you're asking, am I taking you on this trip down memory lane?  I mentioned in my New Year's post and also my Wandering Still post that my goal for a year from now is to be traveling and exploring exotic locations.  Ben and I have finally talked it out sensibly and we are really going to make it happen!  We have debts to pay before we can start the planning, but knowing that he knows how important is to me has given me the hope I needed to start openly dreaming.  

These are the lessons: 

     ~We've done it before.  Let people be confused and think we're being irrational.  Kids travel and we wouldn't think of leaving them home.

    ~Things will most certainly not go completely as planned.  We'll forget things and there may be setbacks and delays.  That makes journeying all the more exhilarating.

    ~I love my family.  I easily get bogged down in my day-to-day.  Life doesn't magically become perfect when I pack my bags and sail away.  My husband and two cute boys are going to be there along the way.  If I can learn to make the most of the time I have here with them, they'll make sure we live life to the fullest when they're out there (wherever there may be) with me. And that is all I'm hoping for.

And lastly:

    ~Don't leave the backpack carrier in the car at home!

My $100 Dream

I am a thrift store shopper.  And if not a thrift store shopper, then definitely a clearance rack shopper. In Iowa my secondhand store of choice was Goodwill, preferably the Euclid store (or West Des Moines, but it had to be a special treat to make it all the way out there).  In Alaska the goods were at Value Village.  Quality was lacking at Value Village, but when you're thousands of miles from the next thrift store, you take what you can find.  Here in Utah, mecca for used-clothes hounds is Deseret Industries (DI).

Deseret Industries operates along the same lines as Goodwill, I think, offering employment and training services, affordable items for purchase, and a place for the community to donate their time and no-longer-needed belongings.  I support everything DI stands for, but what is the real reason I'm telling you all this?  I have a secret dream...

I want $100 and an entire day alone to DI-hop.  Within 45 minutes driving distance I have access to 10 fabulous stores.  By far my favorites are the Sugarhouse and the American Fork stores.  Sugarhouse always has unique items and American Fork has some tall, presumably wealthy people donating brand new stuff sized perfectly for me.  Whenever this dream shopping spree takes place, I'll start farthest north in downtown Salt Lake City.  That way, if I run out of time or money, I can skip the Provo store and know nothing is there waiting for me.  In the middle of BYU married-housing, that store gets the dregs people have been passing down for generations and should have sent to the trash rather than a merchandising establishment.

Why Deseret Industries you're thinking.  Why not dream and save up for a trip to the mall, or even bigger, to New York City?  Well, first, reality is that holding 100 free dollars in my hand is a pipe dream.  When that great party day arrives, I need to get the most bang for my buck.  I can walk out of the mall with 2-3 things or out of DI with 12-15 things.  Beyond the limitation of money, though, I see cute things peeking out at me every single time I go to DI.  Usually I'm there shopping for my kids or trying to find that hidden gem out in the yard (for my local readers, do you know about the yard?  I was sick to my stomach when I realized I'd been missing out for years and years).  If I do look through the racks for me, a skirt or shirt is guaranteed to fall in love with me, and once in love I have to take it home.  I'll hide it in the laundry basket until it's cleaned and then slip it in my closet pretending it's been there all along.  My husband laughs at me.  He's pretty sure my $3.00 discovery is not going to drain the coffers.

I'm sure a few of you are appalled by now.  It may not seem I have very classy or lofty goals. If that's what you're looking for, hop over to my SIL's blog Timeless.  Emulating and learning from Aubrey Hepburn, her shopping and fashion knowledge is in a world all her own.  As for me, I've got $20 in the bank.  One day that will grow and you'll find me grinning like a kid in a candy store.  You can find me buried in the racks of everyone else's hand-me-downs.

Photo credit: www.waymarking.com

In My Heart On Thursday

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs.  Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive."
                                                                            -Gil Bailie, as quoted in Wild At Heart by John Eldredge

Wandering Still? What It Means To Me

My Past
Small town Iowa girls don't often take far trips from home.  From birth to age 17 the longest trip I had taken was a three-hour road trip to my uncle's house in Weeping Water, Nebraska.  Then my mom blew everything out of the water.  Attempting to get me away from an abusive high-school boyfriend, she loaded me on a plane and sent me 8 flight hours away to the European continent.

Now, don't go thinking this was normal for my family.  We grew up on hand-me-down clothes and Hamburger Helper with twice the noodles and half the meat.  Fate just happened to intervene that year and I became the first student  hosted by our local Lions Club in a Youth Camp and Exchange Program. Traveling to Brussels with 25 Iowa teenagers and then embarking on a 6-week solo adventure with host families in the Netherlands was the most frightening enterprise imaginable.

I came home at the end of that summer an altogether different girl (yes, I did get rid of the loser of a boyfriend soon after).  Wanderlust has been a part of me ever since.  It prompted me to study Hospitality Management and released me from the Midwest to see the world.  Working seasonal hotel jobs, I lived on Cape Cod in Massachusetts and all over the state of Alaska.  Because they were seasonal jobs, and in the tourism industry, I was also afforded months of open-ended travel.  My mid-twenties found me gallivanting around the globe and culminated in a 4-month backpacking/cruising trip that hopped from the Caribbean to western Mexico, from southeast Asia to Australia and New Zealand.  Those are the days that spoiled me!

My Present
I'm married to a native Utahn and that has been my dwelling for the past 7 years.  Within 9 months of moving here I had experienced more of what this diverse state has to offer than a friend who'd been going to school here more than 3 years.  As a married couple, and now as a family with two young boys, we've made it a priority to continue getting out to see what there is to see.

People often give us long sideways glances after hearing of the next trip we're planning or reading about our latest exploits on our family blog, It's What We Do.  What they usually fail to understand is that while they're spending their free money on clothes, eating out, and movies, we're bundling ours together and escaping the humdrum of our every day lives.  The ultimate example of these glances, and our own sacrifices, was a 6-week trip to Europe in celebration of my husband's college graduation and our son's 1st birthday.  More than anything, it proved to me that I was still me and the doors of the world hadn't closed when I said, "I do."

My Future
A day does not go by without me gazing out my window wondering where else there is to be.  Traveling is now inherently in me.  I used to passionately proclaim that, "You don't have to settle down until your kids are in school!"  I want my family to share the world with me.  Some argue that toddlers and infants are too little to even know, that world travel is wasted until they're old enough to read the places they are going.  I don't agree.  My 3-year-old son Beck is a map-lover!  He will stop every 10 steps, lay down his map, and recalculate which way we should be heading.  I want him and his baby brother Peyton to start out right from the beginning with a love and appreciation for exploring.

Peyton will turn 1 in March and I want more than anything to be somewhere exotic on his birthday.  Not to be snobby, but for him to look back in 20 years and know that that is who we were.  Beck starts school in less than 2 years.  I want more than anything not to put him on the bus for his first day of kindergarten with the regret that we never got him out of here.

Ben and I are working on a goal.  By January 1, 2012, we are going to be out of here.  Maybe we won't be continent-hopping like I'd once dreamed, but we will be packed and jet-setting to somewhere more exotic than Lindon, Utah.  And, then, who knows...kids can do complete K-12 programs online now...the world doesn't have to settle in on me!

Women In Deed

Two thoughts on my mind today.  First, of course Beck isn't eschewing the true meaning of Christmas...I haven't given him any kind of example to follow.  Second, I have done a terrible job of keeping my own identity as a woman and not just a wife and mother.  I don't feel like writing about the first one, seeing as how it would entail delving into the ugly parts of me and I already do that all too frequently.  Instead, a more positive path to lead me  back to me.

Sometime in the seven years I've been married, I've completely lost me.  I can't say anymore that I have any hobbies.  I don't hang out with gal pals.  I don't have the patience to be pampered.  It's almost guaranteed that if I tell you something I like to do, it's something I do with my whole family.  This has been really weighing on me.  It's the main reason I'm trying so hard to get back in the habit of writing.  That is something I love to do...just for me.

This isn't going to lead right now to me listing projects I want to start or pastimes I used to have.  I suppose maybe those will come later.  No, today I want to recognize and thank some of the wonderful women around me who have held on to who they are or who have found new parts of themselves during their journey.

Kathy, Brooke, & Kimberly
Three of my beautiful sisters (of course, the other two are fabulous as well!).  We were raised to be crafty and our Mom was always looking for creative ways to make a little extra money.  Now they have followed in her wake.  Kathy was always quite artistic and now is decorating beautiful cakes.  Brooke was a single-mom for years and began designing silverware jewelry to take care of her kids.  And Kimberly is a new mom now, trying to do the same for her family.  A fashion designer at heart, she has created a niche for herself everywhere from Renaissance fairs to baby showers.  I'm lucky to have so much creativity in the family.


Annie
I find my inspiration from Annie in a completely different way.  Life threw us together as sisters-in-law, and I'm grateful.  We probably would have never been found hanging out in the same circles.  What Annie brings to her life is a zeal and appreciation for having close friends to share celebrations and hardship.  The people she chooses to be around know how much she loves them.  And she takes the time to get away and be just with them every now and then.  Away from her kids and her husband.  Girl time just to be free.

Amanda
An old friend from my Alaska days whom I haven't seen in years, but Amanda is still inspiring me.  She's a little off the wall, maybe a little off her rocker.  She's kookie and I love her kookie-ness.  Amanda loves life!  That's how she inspires me.  She keeps dreaming and reaching and makes my dreams seem a little less out there.  


Darla
I don't know a lot about Darla, I'll admit.  She takes my rent each month and I try hard to not give her a reason to evict me.  What I do know about Darla, though, is that she uplifts her family.  In the trenches right now with serious illness, financial difficulties, and all kinds of unknowns, her faith is strong.  No person is immune from doubt or frustration, but her testimony is bright.  She hasn't shied away from service, her family obviously loves her, and they're making it through okay.  It's completely selfish, but watching her walk through the life she has today uplifts me.

Ladies, thank you.  For being you and having flaws and sharing them with me.  But also for not being scared or hesitant or resigned to defining yourself as less than you want to be.  You're helping me to be a better me.

Looking Backwards Forwards

Writing inspiration has been on hold for, oh, let's say the past several months. I know it's in there hibernating, and I'm going to coax it out one of these days, but for now let me look back to my New Year's entry from a year ago... Still being fairly new at motherhood, a few of my resolutions last year focused on much-needed me-time. This blog is proof that I at least got a start on putting my mind back to use and my "Recent Reads" list reached nearly 40 books in 12 months. Using those as launch pad, I also taught myself to sew, experimented with all kinds of cooking, and got in quite a bit of purely indulgent shopping (well, clearance-rack indulgence). For Michelle as an individual, it was a pretty productive year. My proudest accomplishment of 2008 was our family goal of planning and taking a European vacation. What an incredible experience that we still think about everyday! Traveling completes me and it enriches our family immeasurably. I love my family. Sharing with them this passion enriches me. The last of my four desires for 2008 was focused on supporting Ben in his endeavor to find work he loved and get our family settled in wherever that may be. This is the item on my list which I could have done better and am still working on. The excitement of graduation turned into the reality of the working world and the adventure I had my heart set on turned into new opportunities right here in Utah. The struggle to see Ben's job here as what is meant to be isn't always easy for me, but as I was driving back into the Utah Valley a few weeks ago I looked towards the mountain and remembered that this is where my home is. My life is here and my family is here. I need to engage in living here. This brings me to my goals for 2009: 1. Live where you are. Looking for adventure, living off-the-wall, and exploring nooks and crannies are what life to me. There are a million activities and opportunities for Ben, Beck, and I right outside our door and we're going to grab at every one of them! 2. Be in bed by midnight every day. I'm blessed that Beck sleeps pretty consistently until 8:30 in the morning. I should take advantage of that and get the full night of sleep my body needs. Trust me, getting to bed early is not easy (yes, midnight is still early for me). That being said, this goal will have the added benefit of cutting down on hours of completely useless activities. 3. Let people in my life know how much they mean to me. I want to actively share with my family and friends how their talents and gifts are noticed and appreciated. I'm grateful for the time and energy people share with me and want to stop overlooking those special moments. 4. Get my affairs in order. Ben and I have a lofty goal to get out of debt-pay off our credit cards and the car. At the same time, we're actively trying to build our food storage 3-months at a time. More importantly, though, we need to get our official paperwork taken care of-wills, guardianship, and records of our personal information. I recently watched my brother-in-law and his family sort out the red-tape and business drudgery that came along with the unexpected passing of his father and learned how important and helpful it is to be prepared for anything. These are not easy or pleasant things, but I want to make life as easy as possible and be reassured that Ben and Beck will be taken care of if anything ever happens to me. To end this entry and get started with the new year, please let me express my gratitude for the people who read my thoughts and have their own thoughts to share. You encourage me and give me new ideas to ponder throughout my day. I hope that 2009 is everything that you dream it will be!

What are your values and top life priorities?

A professor once asked the students of her marriage preparation course, "What are the most important values you are looking for in a spouse?" The lists were long: sense of humour, intelligence, faith, steady job, good family, similar interests, education, sense of adventure, loyalty, stability... The professor then asked, "What one of those values is your top priority?" Without much pause, students responded: sense of humour, intelligence, faith, steady job, good family, similar interests, education, sense of adventure, loyalty, stability... They, like most of modern society, wanted it all. *

We are fortunate to live in an age when any dream can be realized or obtained. What a marvelous thing! We should never take it for granted; we should also never let it cloud our vision. The fact of the matter is, "having it all" only comes after we've obtained important things individually. Very few people win the lottery and see all of their dreams fulfilled in one lump sum. We have to prioritize or instead of achieving all our goals we'll find ourselves many years down the road living with none of them. Let's use relationships as an example. Every one of the attributes listed above is noble and desirable. It is natural to judge new acquaintances in accordance with the characteristics we value. The key is not letting the entire list keep us from getting to know a person better. We would remain friendless and alone for eternity. Allowing ourselves to be pulled towards what is good enables us to explore what more could be good. It is here, unfortunately, where we begin to see another sort of problem. Instead of negating all people because they don't match every standard, some people throw common sense out the window and choose instead to naively accept all people. In the end, neither scenario is going to bring us closer to achieving our goals. I think every person can benefit from setting down to re-evaluate the areas of life where they've had goals and dreams-work, community involvement, diet, etc. Think back to a time when these ideas were new. What made you smile and feel happy? What ideas did you have about where life was heading? What was most important and have you held onto that as you've moved forward towards achieving your goals? If not, there is still time to pause and reconsider how to redirection your life so that those important attributes surround you. And, then, here's the kicker: What were your dealbreakers? What were the things that you absolutely would not accept? If you ever find yourself questioning why life has turned out so differently than you'd imagined or if there is an aspect of life that continually (or confusedly) makes you unhappy, take a moment to also reconsider these things. We are blessed to live in a time where we can achieve every single thing our hearts and minds set out to do. Let us work towards those goals by making sure we stand steadfast on the individual attributes that will make us the person we want to be. (*Thank you to Jacque DeGaston for relating this story)