In My Heart On Thursday

"If we all managed three weeks of feeling light, and easy and unconcerned, we could build up our depleted energy for the renewal of the battle.  And if the battle need never be renewed we will not have wasted this time by being happy."
                                                                                                      -A Stone Boat, Andrew Solomon

In My Heart On Thursday

“…do not forget to pray.  Each time you pray, if you do so sincerely, there will be the flash of a new feeling in it, and a new thought as well, one you did not know before, which will give you fresh courage; and you will understand that prayer is education.  Remember also: every day and whenever you can, repeat within yourself: ‘Lord, have mercy upon all who come before you today.’  For every hour and every moment thousands of people leave their life on this earth, and their souls come before the Lord—and so many of them part with the earth in isolation, unknown to anyone, in sadness and sorrow that no one will mourn for them, or even know whether they had lived or not.  And so, perhaps from the other end of the earth, your prayer for his repose will rise up to the Lord, though you did not know him at all, nor he you.  How moving it is for this soul, coming in fear before the Lord, to feel at that moment that someone is praying for him, too, that there is still a human being on earth who loves him.  And God, too, will look upon you both with more mercy, for if even you so pitied him, how much more will he who is infinitely more merciful and loving than you are.  And he will forgive him for your sake.”

                                                                                       -The Brothers Karamazov, Fyodor Dostoevsky

Women In Deed

Two thoughts on my mind today.  First, of course Beck isn't eschewing the true meaning of Christmas...I haven't given him any kind of example to follow.  Second, I have done a terrible job of keeping my own identity as a woman and not just a wife and mother.  I don't feel like writing about the first one, seeing as how it would entail delving into the ugly parts of me and I already do that all too frequently.  Instead, a more positive path to lead me  back to me.

Sometime in the seven years I've been married, I've completely lost me.  I can't say anymore that I have any hobbies.  I don't hang out with gal pals.  I don't have the patience to be pampered.  It's almost guaranteed that if I tell you something I like to do, it's something I do with my whole family.  This has been really weighing on me.  It's the main reason I'm trying so hard to get back in the habit of writing.  That is something I love to do...just for me.

This isn't going to lead right now to me listing projects I want to start or pastimes I used to have.  I suppose maybe those will come later.  No, today I want to recognize and thank some of the wonderful women around me who have held on to who they are or who have found new parts of themselves during their journey.

Kathy, Brooke, & Kimberly
Three of my beautiful sisters (of course, the other two are fabulous as well!).  We were raised to be crafty and our Mom was always looking for creative ways to make a little extra money.  Now they have followed in her wake.  Kathy was always quite artistic and now is decorating beautiful cakes.  Brooke was a single-mom for years and began designing silverware jewelry to take care of her kids.  And Kimberly is a new mom now, trying to do the same for her family.  A fashion designer at heart, she has created a niche for herself everywhere from Renaissance fairs to baby showers.  I'm lucky to have so much creativity in the family.


Annie
I find my inspiration from Annie in a completely different way.  Life threw us together as sisters-in-law, and I'm grateful.  We probably would have never been found hanging out in the same circles.  What Annie brings to her life is a zeal and appreciation for having close friends to share celebrations and hardship.  The people she chooses to be around know how much she loves them.  And she takes the time to get away and be just with them every now and then.  Away from her kids and her husband.  Girl time just to be free.

Amanda
An old friend from my Alaska days whom I haven't seen in years, but Amanda is still inspiring me.  She's a little off the wall, maybe a little off her rocker.  She's kookie and I love her kookie-ness.  Amanda loves life!  That's how she inspires me.  She keeps dreaming and reaching and makes my dreams seem a little less out there.  


Darla
I don't know a lot about Darla, I'll admit.  She takes my rent each month and I try hard to not give her a reason to evict me.  What I do know about Darla, though, is that she uplifts her family.  In the trenches right now with serious illness, financial difficulties, and all kinds of unknowns, her faith is strong.  No person is immune from doubt or frustration, but her testimony is bright.  She hasn't shied away from service, her family obviously loves her, and they're making it through okay.  It's completely selfish, but watching her walk through the life she has today uplifts me.

Ladies, thank you.  For being you and having flaws and sharing them with me.  But also for not being scared or hesitant or resigned to defining yourself as less than you want to be.  You're helping me to be a better me.

Tragic Day in Utah History

 

Built in 1883, the Provo Tabernacle caught fire this morning shortly before 3AM.  Our kids are sick and no one in our house was sleeping so we decided to drive down and witness this horrible historical event.  The roof collapsed near 6AM and it's expected the building will be a total loss. 


For photos, video, and more information, visit my family blog here

Figuring It Out

I was really good at firing people.  Don't do the job right and get sent packing.  A few people I let go had managed to find my emotional side and they might have seen me a little more generous in the time allowed to get out, but they still had to go.  My world is completely black and white.  There are rules, expectations, and consequences or rewards for work done or not done.  It's as simple as that.

My working years were great because I was the person in control.  I was good at what I did and received the feedback satisfactory to go along with it.  Since leaving the workplace and starting a family I have been in a constant daily struggle.  Today it has finally occurred to me that this is the reason why.

Kids (and husbands, too, I suppose) do not live in a black and white world.  They don't receive instructions one time and follow them to the letter.  They don't respond well to constructive criticism, if they respond at all.  I can't fill my filing cabinet with their performance reviews and letters of recommendation.  Nobody is punching a time clock with the outlook of freedom at the end of an eight hour day. And I can't print a paycheck for last days work and send them on their way.

My kids are here to stay and it's my job now to fit into their colorful world.  I need to let them encourage me. Rather then looking for an opportunity to get rid of me, they greet me each morning with a giggle and a smile.  In their world there's no such thing as "hurry."  Instead of typing memos and conducting meetings, they beg me to plop down and play...all day...that's it mom...let's just play...

Hopefully I'll figure it out before they can me.

This Season is Not For Me

My husband and I have an agreement.  When the outdoor thermometer reaches 50, I'll bundle myself up and come out to play (curse Mother Nature for interrupting my hibernation with a balmy Utah December). Winter is not my season. Let me share with you a representation of the wintertime experiences that have chiseled me.

Iowa
Anyone who has grown up in the Midwest will emphatically tell you that cold is cold.  Ice and wet, heavy snow combine with wind to cut through to the bone.  Blizzards trap you inside with the thrill of surviving without electricity.  The moonlight sparkling on deep ice-crusted snow brings peace and creates moments to peacefully ponder an unbroken world.  Until you have to go out in it.

As a teenager I found myself in with an afternoon paper route that I hated.  In summer it was a 2-hour bother.  In winter it was absolute sensory torture.  Trudging through unshoveled sidewalks and drives, I came home soaking wet to painfully thaw out my limbs and digits.  Only one time did I attempt to speed the process along on wheels.  At first the quickness and the dryness seemed a luxury.  What I'd never experienced on foot, though, were the unplowed icy roads.  Barely half an hour into my daily routine I watched my front bicycle tire slip to the left as the back tire slid to the right.  I, with my 25 newspapers, landed flat in the middle of the two. Now wet from head to toe, I picked up my soggy papers, wiped away the tears burning themselves onto my frozen face, and finished the last 90 minutes of my route.

Fast forward 10 years to a better paying job and a better mode of transportation.  We lived on an unmaintained gravel road.  Driving home from my minimum wage job at nearly midnight, I crept along the icy highway to the gravel  home stretch.  Confident I'd made it home, I tried to drive through one last drift.  A mile from home, stuck in the middle of the road, there was no hope of breaking free.  My options were to sit there crying and cursing, or get out and run home...I ran home... in high heel boots with no coat, gloves, or hat.  I ran in the back door, through the kitchen, past my family playing cards, and straight to the blazing fireplace.  I almost jumped into that fire.  My chest and cheeks were burning.  Dad went to dig out my car and an hour later I could finally feel my nose.

Alaska
With a knowledge of how much I hate winter, I should have moved south when I flew my parent's nest.  Instead, I headed north to Fairbanks, Alaska.   The northern lights are magical crackling across the dark night (and dark day) sky, but there's a penalty for that reward.  Every car has snow studs, an oilpan heater, and battery plug-in, and every driver has a second set of keys.  Locked up cars run in the parking lot for hours while their drivers finish their shopping or enjoy a date night movie.

Fairbanks is the place I came to know what -56 degrees feels like.  An innocent evening of dancing turned into something entirely different when our ride decided to leave without telling me.  He did tell my roommate, but well into her New Year's Eve drinking, she decided not to remember that until the bar doors were locking behind us.  Dressed only in a short black skirt and sheer tanktop, I cursed every single life event that had brought me to that place at that time.  Literally freezing to death, we waited huddled together (me gagging with every whiff of my roommate's alcohol breath) for her mom to arrive, chastise us, and deliver us back home.

Utah
Still I didn't feel the kick in the pants telling me to fly for warmer climates.  Rather, I landed here in Utah; home of "the greatest snow on Earth."  Now, Utah winters are mild and endurable compared to what else I've lived through.  The problem is that people who choose to live here do so because there are activities to be doing outdoors all year long.  While my husband and I were dating, he tried to initiate me to his favorite winter activity: skiing.

Worst experience ever.  Both the skiing and allowing my boyfriend be my teacher.  Only making it up the first lift at Sundance, it took me 4 hours to get back down.  I did not have a clue what I was doing.  Every time I was supposed to turn I landed flat on my back (or my front, or my side, or his back, or his side).  I don't know what was more wounded at the end of the day, my body or my pride.  After miraculously getting down the slope one time unbroken, I sent Ben back to the top to get in what he could the rest of the day.  It turned out to only be one more run. We both still feel the pain of that day.

It's been some more years and Utah is still where we stay.  Beck is now 3 and begging us to get on his own pair of skis.  It turns out I woke up one day and found out I was raising mountain babies.  So what do I do?  I watch the snowmen taking shape from the warmth of my living room.  I bundle up and run from the car to the indoor play yards.  I fantasize a day when snowshoeing or cross-country skiing can happen in the heat of July, and I harbor a deep little secret.  I want to tackle the challenge of skiing.  It's cold and the ground is hard, but I want to say I can do it.  Especially if my entire family is soon going to be out there breezing down the hillside.

The Way Life Turns Out To Be

A professor once asked the students of her marriage preparation course, "What are the most important values you are looking for in a spouse?" The lists were long: sense of humour, intelligence, faith, steady job, good family, similar interests, education, sense of adventure, loyalty, stability... The professor then asked, "What one of those values is your top priority?" Without much pause, students responded: sense of humour, intelligence, faith, steady job, good family, similar interests, education, sense of adventure, loyalty, stability... They, like most of modern society, wanted it all. *

We are fortunate to live in an age when any dream can be realized or obtained. What a marvelous thing! We should never take it for granted; we should also never let it cloud our vision. The fact of the matter is, "having it all" only comes after we've obtained important things individually. Very few people win the lottery and see all of their dreams fulfilled in one lump sum. We have to prioritize or instead of achieving all our goals we'll find ourselves many years down the road living with none of them.

 Let's use relationships as an example. Every one of the attributes listed above is noble and desirable. It is natural to judge new acquaintances in accordance with the characteristics we value. The key is not letting the entire list keep us from getting to know a person better. We would remain friendless and alone for eternity. Allowing ourselves to be pulled towards what is good enables us to explore what more could be good. It is here, unfortunately, where we begin to see another sort of problem. Instead of negating all people because they don't match every standard, some people throw common sense out the window and choose instead to naively accept all people. In the end, neither scenario is going to bring us closer to achieving our goals. 

I think every person can benefit from setting down to re-evaluate the areas of life where they've had goals and dreams-work, community involvement, diet, etc. Think back to a time when these ideas were new. What made you smile and feel happy? What ideas did you have about where life was heading? What was most important and have you held onto that as you've moved forward towards achieving your goals? If not, there is still time to pause and reconsider how to redirection your life so that those important attributes surround you. And, then, here's the kicker: What were your dealbreakers? What were the things that you absolutely would not accept? If you ever find yourself questioning why life has turned out so differently than you'd imagined or if there is an aspect of life that continually (or confusedly) makes you unhappy, take a moment to also reconsider these things. 

We are blessed to live in a time where we can achieve every single thing our hearts and minds set out to do. Let us work towards those goals by making sure we stand steadfast on the individual attributes that will make us the person we want to be. (*Thank you to Jacque DeGaston for relating this story)

Thanks for allowing me the liberty to re-post this entry from my first year of writing.  Feeling uninspired in life right now, I'm grateful to the Lord for leading me back to my own enlightened guidance...

May All Your Christmases Be Bright

The winter holidays are meant for kids.  Santa Claus is real, snow falls solely for sledding and building snow families, and a baby (just like I used to be, they'll say) was born in the hay.  When else do we let them bring trees in the house or bury them with brand new toys, shiny paper, and glittery ribbon?  In the thick of it, they'll tell you every bit of it is magical.  It's not until we get a little older that particular pieces of that holiday magic begin to plant themselves in a special part of our memory.  For me, the enchantment was the Christmas tree.

Growing up in Iowa, the formula for the perfect Christmas tree involved waiting for a bitter cold day and swirling biting winds.  The whole family piled out of the station wagon at the country Christmas tree farm, picked up a hacksaw and trudged acres and acres to the farthest, most un-harvested hill.  The arguments then ensued as six girls poured out their hearts in defense of their " perfect"  tree.  Ultimately, Mom got the one she wanted, and the saw went to work chopping down her tree.

The adventure continued on as we dragged our enormous tree back across the snow-laden hills looking for a tractor and trailer willing to give us a ride back to our car.  If we were lucky, the tree would fit in the baler-one year it would not-and a great big Christmas tree bundle got strapped to the top of the car.  Piling back into the station wagon, we raced home to set up our tree.

The happy memories don't end there.  Getting the tree home was only half the act.  Enter Pa-pa and his voice of reason.  "Dawn, that tree is too big.  It won't fit in our house."  He was right nearly every year.  The tree's trunk always  received a second round of shearing before taking it's place front and center in the living room window.

After the tree was decorated and lit, we enjoyed seeing more and more presents accumulate underneath.  We would plug in the lights in the late afternoon and sometime before going to bed, Mom and Dad would unplug it again.  Until Christmas Eve.  On Christmas Eve we all knew the twinkling lights stayed on all night.  Early in the morning (or later in the morning depending on how old we were getting to be), six girls would tumble out of bed, shuffle into the living room and be greeted with the most breathtaking sight!  The glow of the Christmas tree illuminated the room, shining off wrapping paper, and calling attention to a big bag from Santa. Spread out on the floor, in front of the tree, were six stuffed-to-the-brim stockings inviting us to come and partake.  With the allure of new toys, the moment was over in the blink of an eye, but the living room aglow on Christmas morning is what Christmas time magical to me.

Imagine then, the struggle it's been with a husband who grew up a little bit differently.  In a home that in all ways seemed even more frugal than my own, the electric bill at Christmas time apparently just went out the window.  He wants the lights on all the time, day and night and any extra time in between.  Last year we followed each other around, secretly plugging and unplugging.  I was certain he was being obstinate only because he didn't like digging around for the loose cords to fit into the socket.  There had to be a solution before we started our holiday celebrating again this year.

In come our kids.  Even before talking about getting a tree, Beck was telling us excitedly and assuredly that Christmas trees have lots of presents and candy canes.  I have no idea where the candy canes came from, but he was certain and now our tree is covered in candy canes and he's eating one every day.  The first night we had our tree up I heard Beck telling his dad that if he couldn't sleep he would just come out and look at the tree.  The second night we had our tree up, I found him Beck sleeping on the couch and when he woke up the first thing he said was, "I just wanted to lay here and look at this beautiful tree."

A mom's heart melts.  It's a struggle to walk by and see the lights on at all times of the day.  I want my family to know joy the way I remember it as a child.  At the same time, who am I to take away a three-year-old's joy?  Children make the holidays!