In My Heart On Thursday

Reality

My husband is in California today.  He had to get up at 4AM, wait at work for his unreliable boss to show up and take him to the airport, and get on a plane to fly to Sacramento.  He's doing 2 hours worth of work there and then driving a box truck (think Uhaul) across Nevada and arriving back home sometime tomorrow.  Oh, and did I mention that he just sent me photos of himself sitting in the co-pilot's chair in the cockpit of the jet he flew on?  I have no idea what that was all about but the grin on his face tells me that something extraordinary happened to him this morning.

What was I doing when the photo arrived?  Reprimanding my toddler for wiping his bum without toilet paper.  Losing the argument that he needed to use HOT water to wash his hands.  Insisting that he go get clean underwear instead of running around the house naked.  And hearing him tell me after he's run on the carpet that he's found poo on his feet, too.

So, what was my initial reaction to my husband's moment of joy digitally captured and sent to me over the airwaves?  Hatred and disgust, honestly.  Completely gone was the sympathy I'd felt when he'd exhaustedly crawled out of bed in the dark.  The gentle prayer I'd offered up that he would be safe and alert on his drive back our way completely buried.  Also forgotten were the laughs I'd had with my two boys just hours earlier as they piled on top of me in bed, and any thought of encouraging words or shared enthusiasm.

That's how my days tend to be.  I know my husband words hard at a job he doesn't always like.  But because he gets to leave the house, and the kids, I tell myself his life is easy.  When he gets home at night I continue on with cooking dinner or finishing the laundry, but check out from anymore taking care of the kids.  Dad's home, Dad's turn.  It seems like it's working because he loves playing with his boys more than anything on the planet, but it's probably only working because I give him no other choice.

Do you find yourself having the same thoughts or reactions with people and events in your life?  What helps you throughout the day to focus on the beautiful and fun things that are happening instead of getting buried in individual nasty moments?

How do you show your spouse/family/friends that you appreciate the sacrifices they've made for you?  And what gives you balance throughout your day?

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints held their annual General Conference this weekend.  Available almost immediately world-wide via internet streaming and radio broadcast, I still appreciate the blessing of living in Utah and being able to watch it live on network tv.  This year I tried to keep my boys interested with coloring pages and crafts that taught the names of the leaders who were speaking.  For the first time in many years I was able to enjoy all four sessions without too many child distractions.  

So many of the messages spoke directly to troubles or worries I have in my life, but the talk I can't get out of my head today was by Elder Lynn G. Robbins.

The difference between "doing" and "being."  I asked my husband last night what he needs from me-how I can be a better wife and make his life more enjoyable.  I was expecting a long list of chores like "put away the laundry instead of leaving it folded in the clothes basket for a week" and "have all the toys put away when I get home from work at the end of the day."  Instead he poured out his heart with his desires for me to remember the beautiful person I was when we were first together.  He didn't have a big gold star to award me when I finished a checklist of household duties.  Instead he shared the pain he feels as he sees me pulling away from him and our kids, and his fear that one day I will wake up not able to remember what it means to be happy.

Now, there's no need to rush out and put me into therapy.  I have spent a lot of time lately very introverted and selfishly looking only at me.  There's a slippery slope in that and I've allowed myself to start down it.  Not too far down, though and to see that today is very refreshing.

The reason it matters to me so much all of a sudden?  A great opportunity to fulfill a dream has opened up unexpectedly.  It's the right time and will be incredibly successful, but I don't have my cards in order.  Quite a few other messages given this weekend stressed the importance of being ready for the blessings of eternity when they become available to you.  Obviously I'm already married and have two beautiful little boys; what I've neglected to work on is my time management and putting them at the center of my life.  It's hard to convince them that starting a huge new endeavour won't leave them even more in the peripheral of my eye.

And so, that is what I am starting on today.  Rededicating myself to the small and simple things-daily prayer and scripture study, listening and praising, putting away the laundry and maybe even helping wash the dishes.  The other project is going to move forward and that's exciting as well as scary.  Hopefully re-creating the strength of love for my family, myself, and my relationship with my Heavenly Father will be the piece of the puzzle that makes this upcoming venture attainable.

A Lesson For the Class

"Cleanliness is next to Godliness."

The Relief Society room filled with gentle chuckles when a sister offered this as one of the most important things we can teach our children in our homes.  In preparing the lesson I had anticipated many more answers like this-the temporal lessons taught by parents.  Instead, the ladies in the room had humbled me with long lists of values and attributes they've taught their little ones-honesty, respect, to love the scriptures.  I secretly cheered that there was at least one sister in the room who's home, like mine, has not yet become a permanent haven of heaven on earth. She continued, "If the Saviour were on the Earth today, would he want to come into your home?"

It seemed like a simple enough thought to me and we returned to listing divine characteristics all children are apparently supposed to know before they head off to school.  Then, a screeching halt.  A sister in the back row raised her hand and proclaimed, "I'm going to have to disagree with that sister over there."  She went on to voice her opinion that the Saviour is not going to care what your house looks like when he comes again.  Her intention was good, but the comment was actually quite offensive, and standing in the front of the room I could see the first sister's feelings had been hurt.  Unfortunately, I have not yet become perfect at diffusing these types of situations in class and I chose to move on to the next part of the lesson rather than make this a point of discussion.  That was two days ago and the entire event keeps playing itself out in my mind. 

Here is how I now know I should have responded:

I understand both viewpoints and don't believe either one of them is completely wrong.  The Lord has said, "Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me." (Rev. 3:20) The question needs to be not whether or not the Saviour will want to visit me, but whether or not I keep my home in order so as to feel comfortable when the Saviour comes to visit me.

Latter-Day Saints have been instructed to keep their homes like a temple. I'm sure similar sentiments are taught across many world religions.  The Holy Ghost does not dwell in unholy places, places of clutter and disorganization.  And certainly it is much more difficult to recognize the promptings of the Spirit when our minds are distracted by busyness and a backlog of responsibilities.  As with the story of Martha and Mary we need to ask ourselves if we have prepared well enough for the Saviour's arrival so that we might sit at His feet and absorb the love He brings for us.

It is important to keep an orderly home and to teach our children that importance.  Associate Professor Shirley R. Klein remarked, "Everyday activities in our homes may be simple, but because they are simple, frequent, and repeated, they offer important opportunities to build individuals and families." So where do we find the balance?  I've often been told that a home where children are loved is a home well-lived in.  In other words, there are going to be toys on the floor.  The dishes may not always be done and the beds may not always be made.  Is this the sign of a sloppy lazy family?  Not necessarily.

Look around a little further.  Is there children's artwork hanging on the refrigerator?  Are the little ones playing together while their parents help older siblings with homework?  Have the children been taught by example that there is a time and place for controlled chaos as well as for quiet and order?  Or, are the children's toys under lock and key for fear of appearing less than perfect to the visiting teachers?  Are the floors shining and the windows gleaming in the middle of the day even though the children are bored and begging for attention and love?  The Saviour will recognize our best intentions.  We need to determine whether or not our best intentions will have been enough on that great and glorious day.

Had I been brilliant enough to spout out all that to the class on Sunday, I'd either have received oodles of hallway compliments after class or been quickly released from my calling.  Either way, it has left me thinking more deeply.  Obviously the state of our earthly home is not going to be what keeps us from being embraced by the Saviour.  That will be determined by the state of our hearts in the moment He arrives. Our work until then is to strive towards living in a "house of order."

So let me ask these questions to the class:  If the Saviour came today could He dwell within your heart?  Would  the clutter and distraction make you unable to recognize the lightness of your burdens being lifted?  Is the balance between your devotion to the Lord and Jesus Christ weighted with things of this world or divine desires of the soul?

When He stands outside and knocks will you hear His voice and let Him enter in or will the rush to clean up the house keep you from opening the door? 

Where True Friends Are

As my Google Friend Connect following inches closer to that magic number of 100, I'm having a number of "new blogger" thoughts.  But, the thing is, I'm not really a new blogger.  I wrote my first entry for Wandering Still in 2007.  And about that same time I started my family's blog as well.

Gaining a "following" on this blog has been both exciting, motivating, and discouraging.  At first I was excited that there were people on the planet who wanted to read what I had to say.  And not only read it, but relate to it and respond back in some way.  The responses back were particularly motivating.  If there are people interested in what I have to say, then I'll give them more interesting things to read.  I see how that cycle works...that makes writing great for everyone.

The discouragement has come over the past few weeks as I've deleted scores of comments shamelessly advertising for other people's blogs.  I honestly could care less if you have hours everyday to scour bloghops and  directories looking for innocent bloggers who haven't religiously decided to follow your giveaways and freebies.  I have a life that doesn't involve always being attached to my computer, and I'm not going to follow you unless I want what you have to say to come across in my Google Reader and somehow enlighten my day.

Mean?  That's my truth.  And I'm comfortable saying it because I don't know most of you.  I know not every single thing I write is going to strike a chord in my readers.  On those days, I hope you make a promise to come back and see what I have to say the next time.  And let me know-even if you don't like it!

Where am I not comfortable expressing these feelings so clearly?  On my family blog.  If you were to hop over there right now you'd see my GFC counter has "0" connections.  Now, I have a handful of relatives that subscribe through a reader or an email subscription and I love them for that!  The trouble comes in the truth that that handful of people in my life are the extent of all the people I know who have one care to keep up with what's going on in the life of my kids or our family.

As I've started writing more frequently and perusing the wealth of blogs out there, I see that my family blog could easily do well if I decided to make it public.  I've resisted doing that for the sake of privacy and also to save my dignity...I feel like I'd end up making it public in a moment of desperation for SOMEONE to pay attention to me.  Obviously my husband and kids and myself don't need approval or high-fives for everything we do and everywhere we go.  But, just as when I write on this blog solely for the purpose of interacting with other people's thoughts and ideas, it'd be nice if our personal experiences were able to motivate or interest the people with which we share a personal connection.

So what is the answer?  Both in general writing blogs and in personal blogs?  How do you manage your friend connections?  What advice do you have for building up a committed and interested following?  And what made you decide to or not to publicly share your personal family blogs for all the world to see?  I'm just wondering.

Oh Boy

My house stinks! It has been nice in Utah lately so the windows can be wide open, but as soon as they're closed my nose thinks it's standing in a public swimming pool shower room. I've tried every air freshening technique on the earth and nothing has taken it away. Going out of my mind a few days ago, I asked Ben, "Do you think it smells in here? What do you think the smell is?" Without looking up from his book he replied, "It stinks like perfume and candles." I share this story not to start a fight with my husband, but to illustrate a topic that's recently been on my mind: how am I supposed to raise a boy. I grew up in a family with six girls and remember friends and relatives jovially laying on us a curse to have all boys when we were grown. So far the ratio of boys to girls in our up-and-coming generation is 4:2. To that we could send a curse back on all their heads! Raising Beck has been pretty easy thus far, but Ben is gone quite a bit and will be more so as we move into summer. I wonder what kind of impact that might have on Beck and whether there is anything I can do to counteract it. Also, I figured it was about time I start to figure out how this person we call a boy will think and develop differently than the little girls with which I'm much more familiar. I'm not looking to get caught up in the trends of the day or a bunch of scientific mumbo-jumbo, but do want a knowledge and better understanding of how Beck's brain is developing and what I can do as a parent to help him grow up confident and happy. Fortunately, I found a book titled The Wonder of Boys by Michael Gurian which so far has given me some insightful information. Reading first about the way an infant boy's brain develops differently than a girl's encouraged me to continue along with my questioning. Generally, the part of the brain connecting the two sides of the brain has far fewer/slower connectors in young boys than in young girls. Having more connectors helps girls to multi-task while the development of the connectors in a boy's brain later manifest themselves in a singularly task-oriented approach to work and activities. More simply put, boys will tend to complete one project or thought before moving onto the next, while girls are working on several different ideas at a time. I know I see that difference between myself and Ben, and so it was interesting to understand the reasoning behind it. The next information I found intriguing in the book actually quite surprised me. Not because I don't believe it's true, but because it's not a topic the mainstream media emphasizes anymore. Mr. Gurian stressed the need to use strong men in the Bible, Koran, and other scriptures as role models for our sons. We teach our kids the great stories from the scriptures, but I'm intrigued by the idea of really using the men in those stories as guides and examples of who they can become. If we're faith-believing people, then we believe Moses, Noah, Nephi, or Alma were living breathing people to be studied and looked up to for their strengths and their weaknesses. Boys need those examples to emulate as they learn to make choices of their own. A particular stress has been made in what I've read so far for boys to have a large group of people surrounding them as they learn and grow. This will be the part that is hardest for me. I'm private and independent and I've known from the day Beck was born that branching out would be difficult for me. I'm extremely fortunate, in that regard, to have Ben's family so close and so outreaching. The number of cousins for Beck to watch and learn from is an initial blessing, but his uncles are outwardly loving and active and a little crazy and create an additional comfort to me. I'm grateful as I look forward, as well, for programs in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints that place a focus on raising healthy and happy boys. Without me having to step too far out of my comfort zone, those two communities will always be there to provide an additional support system. My little boy is growing. He's already two! Having a question in my head on how to raise him and then starting to research that question has assured me that I'm doing okay. I know that I need to play with him more when Ben's away and when Ben's home I need to let the two of them rough-house until they cry. I know that one day Beck won't want as many hugs from me and won't be so cute smelling candles with me while we're shopping. But he is going to grow up loving me and that already means everything.

A Lot of Thinking

How far back do your actions set you? This question popped into my head during church a few weeks ago and at the time I had a very specific incident in mind between Ben and my brothers-in-law. I wanted him to realize that simple decisions like which movie to watch or which television show to quote may speak volumes louder than his most genuine example of standing uprightly. Sitting through the rest of church other events ran through my mind:

• Raising your voice at a child when you're trying to teach him to use his indoor voice or the proper way to deal with anger
• Gossiping to a person with whom you've worked hard to build trust
• Slacking at your job or
• Breaking your word by neglecting a commitment or responsibility

Surprisingly, while thinking of these different situations I didn't allow myself to feel down about myself or the things that I am doing. I recognize that I'm human and sometimes do things I later wish I hadn't. Every one of us does. Knowing and admitting this can help us be more aware of how what we're doing and saying may be perceived. Believe it! We have the ability to change our own course of action and determine whether we will be better people one day. The longer I pondered this whole idea, the more I was reminded of another thought I had a few months ago around election time. Trying to reconcile the nation's choice with my own concerns and worries, I wondered, "What do you do after you've done all you can do?" The answer, of course, is get out of bed every morning, try to make the people around you smile, and try your best to stand strong for what you believe. Reflecting on these two questions together can help us find enlightenment. Most of us are good people trying hard to do good things every day. We want our children to feel protected and loved while they learn and grow. We want our friends and family to smile when they think of us and our co-workers to strive to work harder beside us. We make mistakes, but when we're humble enough to see the damage that's been done, we'll find the strength to try again the next day. If we can wake up and realize that yesterday was actually a pretty good day, then the foundation has been laid and the mistakes we make tomorrow may be a little bit smaller than the ones we make today. Building day by day and one mis-step at a time, we'll make it where we're trying to go and hopefully we'll made a positive impression along the way.