Thankful Thirty #2

Source:  via Pinterest

The first 4 months of my last pregnancy were not pleasant.  I was exhausted and my body was broken down.  Feeling completely different than I did when I was pregnant with both my boys, every person I know had decided I must be carrying a girl.  I thought they must be right...but it didn't matter.  I was sick and being tested to the edge of what I could bear.

There were days it took all I had to pour cold cereal and turn on the television for Beck and Peyton before falling back into bed for the rest of the day.  It was on those days that I knew this was it for me.  Three babies was going to have to be what made up our family.  Doubled over and in tears I plead with the Lord to give me the strength and willpower to make it through my delivery and then apologized to my husband that this was going to have to be our last child.  Enduring another pregnancy was just not going to happen for me.

At the same time my husband was secretly pleading with the Lord to take this burden from me.  He was feeling guilty for the role he played in bringing this weakness upon me, and he was begging to be able to endure it for me.  As blessed as he knew we are to bring newborn spirits into our family, he admitted to God that he never wanted to see me feeling this way again.

We both knew this would be the completing of our family.

And here brings in the focus of my gratitude today:  The Lord knew too.  He heard our prayers and listened to our pleas.  He didn't chastise us for reacting in such a temporal moment, but wrapped his arms around our arms and answered back,

 "I believe you and I understand what you are going through. 

 I am near you and I will continue to be right here with you."

That is when we found out we were having twins.   

The Lord knew our hearts and recognized what he had asked of me.  Yet He also knew he had a plan for our family and it included more than just one more being.  He accepted my terms of defeat and did what he could to do to make sure His plan for us was complete.  If I, with my earthly mind and suffering, had decided to not be pregnant ever again, He sent the spirits He had left for us into the world together.

I do not know what our future holds.  There may be a day yet when we decide we do need to grow our family.  What I do know is that in the moment when I needed the Lord to accept all I had left to give to Him, he kept in mind His plan for me.  

I am grateful for a Heavenly Father 
so personally familiar with me and with His plan for me.

In My Heart On Thursday (Opportunity)

 "Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?"

-Evan Almighty, 

as quoted on  Latter-day Homeschooling

In My Heart on Thursday (Worth)

"Do you think yourself a string too short to save? 

 Do you think that you are lank and straight, a linear bit with no connection fore or aft? 

 Fear not your insignificance.  Nature has a drawer for you. 

 Yes, nature garners all the string too short to save, and mice visit that drawer. 

 Here's nesting material!  

Yes, you will be interwoven, be it now or later."

-Sena Jeter Naslund, Ahab's Wife

Am I Traveling, Am I Not (A Follow-Up)

I have been on an emotional roller coaster since my post last week and woke up this morning thinking I should share with you where I'm heading.  Thank you for the amazing advice and concern and encouragement I received from several of you!  That's absolutely the best part about writing and putting myself out there.

The big picture answer from my little breakdown is that I am definitely dealing with a life issue.  The struggle between dreams and reality isn't solved overnight and doesn't have a 1-2-3-step process to resolution.  What does that mean?  I'm not going to simply wake up one day having dropped the need to travel and explore and be free from routine.  I can wake up each day recognizing that not every year is going to be a big travel year.  This year, for starters, is not going to find me cavorting overseas and now that I've thought about that clearly, I've accepted it completely.

Even in my muddling last week, I never once considered that I was now trapped in my house, in my yard, in my little community.  Utah provides an incredible opportunity for so many different types of exploring in a very short distance and with summer coming my mind is already packed full of weekend excursions and activities.  That will never change in me, and is just as valid an opportunity to teach my kids about environments different than their own as any other place I could take them in the world.

There is a truth to work through and accept that my freedom to wander the world freely has dwindled and changed.  Yet, right now as I watch my kids squeal while blowing soap bubbles in their breakfast cups it doesn't seem daunting or life-sucking.  My passport application is in the mail and I can keep dreaming.  I never again want logistical details to be what keeps me from dreaming.  But for today I think I'll tackle the housecleaning and the parenting and be excited when my husband gets home.  I'm going to enjoy my family right here where life finds me.

(As part of my "therapy" I promise this summer I'll share some of my adventures with you,

 including my upcoming trip to flea markets of the Heartland,

 and playing tourist with my sister in Southern Utah's national park playland)

The Journey That My Heart Is On

My husband is in Seattle this week.  My boys and I were going to meet him there for the Easter weekend and go exploring on the Olympic Peninsula, but the the weather forecast was for low 50's and rainy.  We're not going.  We were going to go to the Redwoods for my 2-year-old's birthday, but we didn't.  I wanted to drive to San Diego, leave my kids with family, and go on a cruise this summer before the baby comes.  Completely off the table.  And the year-long adventure I've been dreaming about?  Most definitely not going to happen.

In full disclaimer, my kids and I are going back to the Sparks Flea Market next month to hang out with my family.  I used all my frequent flyer miles and all our free hotel nights to get us there.  They were going to waste and it's not looking like I will be using them for anything else anytime soon...I don't travel anymore.

Would you mind being the bounce board for my therapy?  

First, I never have renewed my passport.  The money always kept going elsewhere.  The cruise I mentioned earlier would require a passport and applying now would probably not see that beautiful blue book back in my hands until I'm too pregnant to be sailing.  One weekend I had an idea to fly to Canada and go camping in Banff National Park this summer, or to drive to Alaska to visit friends, but those are things I also can't do without a passport. Please don't offer the advice that I could expedite my renewal.  I know.  That adds to the cost which has been inhibiting me all these months and appears to be staunchly implanted in my brain as an excuse not to go get my new photo taken tomorrow.

Second, life happens when you don't realize you're looking right at it.  For 15 years I've had a personal philosophy that people don't need to settle down until they have children that start school.  And with today's technology, that's not even a resolute reason to change your wandering lifestyle if your family is still out there  having fun.  Five years ago when I had my first baby my ideals didn't change, but since then the trips have become routinely shorter and closer to home.  I HATE when people tell me having kids changes things.  I don't think it's an excuse to quit doing things.  How could I have let that happen to me?  

Now I have my soon-to-be kindergartner registered in an online curriculum  that would enable us to keep taking off on far-away adventures.  So what happens?  Life, again.  All the money we'd saved and sacrifices we've made to pack up and leave town weren't for nothing.  They've just turned out to not be for what we'd thought they would be.  Medical bills for new babies and broken arms and who knows what else is to come turn out to cost just about the same amount of money as backpacking around the world for 9 months in bliss.

As for the third and final reckoning in my brain?  My husband has decided he likes living a comfortable suburban life with a safely predictable job, all of his hobbies, and extra-curricular responsibilities.  He has contentedly settled down.  He won't tell me that matter-of-fact, but it's time for me to accept and start dealing with it.  How do I know that's where he's at in his life right now?  He's quit getting excited when I call out of the blue with a hair-brained plan for where we should take off to on the weekend.  I used to jump in the car and show-up unexpectedly wherever he was working out of town, but now he as much as tells me it'd be more responsible if I stayed home and saved the money.  He's in his fourth year of a job that was always supposed to be the hold-over until a great new adventure came along, but now he talks about a year from now when he'll be working more in the office and less on the road.  The final blow?  The year-long traveling life change I believed in wholeheartedly never evolved further than a passing whimsy to be discarded quickly in my husband's mind.  

Having now had my equivalent hour on the couch, how do I evolve from here?

I have no idea.  Always in my mind are the thoughts that I'm being tested and need to learn to be happy in the moment with the circumstances surrounding me.  That it is noble and normal to live in one house & one town with predictable days forever.  I feel guilty that my vision of motherhood, marriage partnership, and family life is so different from everyone else.  I struggle with wondering why I have to be the one that pretends to be something different than what is deeply rooted inside me.  I dread hearing people tell me not to give up on my dream or lose the wandering part of my soul when I don't see how there is any other option for me.  I don't want to be one of those, "When the children are older," or "We'll do that when we retire" type of people, but that is exactly what is happening. 

That is what is happening to me.  Part of me is being buried and the tightening I feel in my chest when I admit it so I can let it go confirms that I've barely embarked on the most challenging journey yet that my heart has been asked to travel.

Jumping On Pre-Bandwagon

I'm going on record today to declare I'm voting Ann Romney for next First Lady!  I don't know how that's going to work since I'm not yet enamoured with her husband, who would obviously have to be elected in order for my vote to make a difference, but every time I hear her speak my heart is stirred and I find myself longing for genuine compassion and transparent values in the White House.

I do not necessarily have a bone to pick with Michelle Obama.  I believe she's a great mom and she has championed worthy causes during her time of influence, but she does not inspire me.  I won't go into the reasons why-I'm not sure I've investigated them all within myself.  What I am aware of is an emotional yearning to be encouraged and led by someone like me.

Now, Ann Romney and I obviously are not the same people in innumerable ways.  Our upbringing and backgrounds are caverns apart.  Our husbands have chosen vastly different career paths.  Her health struggles are immensely more challenging than anything I've thus far been asked to bear.  Acknowledging all that, I listened to this interview several months ago and was brought to tears realizing that in so many ways she is just like me.

 
This clip is long, but I hope you'll listen.  
Again, not for Mitt Romney's words, but for hers. 

Here I will admit that my thoughts do have an LDS connection, but I am NOT telling you I like Ann Romneybecause she's a Mormon.  Prior to listening to this interview, I had never considered or believed that members of the LDS church talk differently than other people.  Yet, I listened to her speak about her family, her love and her fears for them, and I believed she could be any lady I've ever sat next to in a church Relief Society Meeting.  She wasn't speaking tenets of doctrine.  She was speaking from what is truly in her heart.  She holds her family together-leads them and guides them-through her faith and conviction.  I know she would do that as well for our country.

Also a little while ago, I happened to be clicking through the channels and landed on this diatribe by Neil Cavuto.  

While not entirely his typical snarky wit and humor, the sentiments once again moved me to tears and left me begging for the stars to align and put this remarkable woman on the national stage where she can work to motivate the American people in the same way she inspires me.

If the political talking heads are ever right about anything, we are about to be enveloped by video of Ann Romney stumping for her husband on the campaign trail.  The next time you see her introducing her husband or hear someone criticizing Mitt's likability, I hope you'll take a deeper look into Ann's genuine intentions and think what it would be like to have that kind of woman standing beside the President of our United States.

In My Heart On Thursday

-Via Pinterest

In My Heart On Thursday

                                          It's 10 minutes, but worth it. 
 I started crying at 4:29 and the tears kept falling
Thank you, One Mom's Moxie, for posting it for me to see

I Wandered Off, but I'm Wandering Still...

If you were hanging out with me a year ago, you might remember that I was walking around with a pretty dismal view of the New Year.  In the end, however, 2011 turned out to be a pretty great year.  I had the privilege of teaching some extremely powerful Relief Society lessons where the class taught me more than I possibly could have given to them.    I got to go on a shopping spree.    I traveled with my family to the Grand Canyon, San Diego, all over New Mexico, and a gigantic swap meet in the Midwest.  And I finally found a way to love my hair.  Going into 2012 I have a thousand reasons to be happy and  grateful.

As I think about what I want to accomplish in the coming year, the word that keeps coming to mind is "responsibility."  Nearly every area of my life could be marked with bright red "LAZY" stamp across the top of it.  In cultivating that laziness, I've neglected a lot of people and a lot of opportunities.  It's time for me to get busy being the person I'm supposed to be.

My new resolve breaks down into five basic categories:

~Making my physical world better (one little step, or maybe two)

~Fixing the damage caused by considering myself a stay-at-home mom instead of a homemaker

~Testing my grit as a homeschooling parent before I make a decision I hate

~Realistically making our extended travel plans

~Blogging the way I'm supposed to be.

I'll write about each of those in the coming weeks.  About the blogging, however, I want to apologize now for letting myself get carried away.  The past year on this blog has been so fun, but the past few months, especially, have been unfulfilling. I started this blog as an outlet for thoughts that were important to me.  When people ask what I write about, I tell them, "a little bit faith, a little bit life, a little bit traveling."  Those are the things that are important to me.  I never wanted Wandering Still to be money-making or popularity inducing.  I just wanted to share my thoughts with the people who wanted to listen.  Thank you to those of you who've wandered off with me.  But rest assured, 

2012 is going to find me getting back to "ME."  

I hope you'll join me on the journey.

Uniquely December: World Aids Awareness Day

I was just a kid when Magic Johnson announced that he had been infected with HIV/AIDS.  Back then everybody was scared.  We didn't know about the disease, didn't understand how it evolved, how it was spread, or what a life with AIDS could be. That was twenty years ago.  Magic Johnson is still living and the face of AIDS has changed tremendously.

I have to admit I haven't had personal experience with HIV/AIDS and honestly have not given much thought to the disease.  I do know that while AIDS is present in people all around the world, infected people everywhere are living longer due to increased research, treatments, awareness, and education.  Unfortunately there are still places where the infection is still an epidemic-in particular, many nations of Africa.

A prominent reason for the AIDS explosion in these undeveloped countries is transfer of the infection from mother to child during pregnancy, birth, and/or breastfeeding  With the uneducated stigma of such a terrible disease, mothers too often receive inadequate information and resources to treat themselves, and they don't know there are precautions they can take to keep their babies healthy and safe.

The good news is that the picture of HIV/AIDS is looking better.  The 2011 UNAIDS report shows a significant drop recently in the number of new infections.  This has to be a result of hard work to increase the availability of testing and education and I've been especially touched by the efforts of the organization mothers2mothers.

mothers2mothers provide a full range of help to mothers in Africa dealing with the AIDS epidemic.  These include:

•  education and support to pregnant women and new mothers living with HIV to increase access and adherence to lifesaving interventions for them and their infants
• Provide education to clients before and after they take their HIV tests during pregnancy
• Provide one-on-one peer education and group support sessions to pregnant women and new mothers with HIV
• Offer services to women together with their partners as a couple

Visit the mothers2mothers website and find out more about the important work they are doing in Africa and Europe.  While you're there check out this sweet idea to get involved...

I have no affiliation with mothers2mothers-just a cause that moved me :)

For more information:

http://www.unaids.org/en/

http://www.aidsresearch.org/index.html

http://www.amfar.org/

http://www.time.com/time/interactive/0,31813,2021888,00.html

In My Heart On Thursday

Underwater Worlds

When Ben and I were engaged he talked a lot about wanting to learn how to SCUBA dive.  That sounded adventurous and fun so of course I raved about how I wanted to do that too!  This though I'm a pretty terrible swimmer and had panicked the first time I'd tried snorkeling.  Since making such a bold statement, I've had several more opportunities for snorkeling and learning to SCUBA.  The snorkeling is getting better; the SCUBA is probably never going to happen.  What I've learned most of all is to be comfortable with my abilities.

My first snorkeling experience was with a group of friends on an organized tour in Bermuda.  Trying to look cool, and not wanting to look like the old lady on our tour, I declined a life jacket.  I made it about 2 minutes offshore before the guide took me back to the sand.  Brushing that off to my friends as seasickness (or something equally ridiculous) I eagerly followed them out into the open ocean at an abandoned beach hours later.  The underwater rocks beat up my legs and the current beat up my pride.  I spent most of the afternoon fooling around on the shore.

Goofing around with my friend Dave 

I tried exploring underwater depths in the same way several more times with no better results.  Looking good was always the determining factor and I'd rather make up an excuse to not go out rather than looking stupid.  Then, the changing day came.  

Ben and I had found a great little beach cove on the west coast of Mexico.  A local cabana shack charmed me into putting on a life jacket and Ben and I spent the entire day out on the water!  No boat or kayak, no tired arms or fear of drowning-just the two of us floating in the world alone.  It was amazing!  That's the day I set my pride aside and I allowed myself to have fun without embarrassment or worry.

A great snorkeling day

I am never going to be a diver.  It turns out that conquering my minimal swimming skills wasn't nearly as difficult as feeling comfortable with schools of fish swarming through my legs.  I enjoy being in the water and observing the underwater goings-on as I float safely distant from above.  It's true I may never see the most beautiful things down there to see, but I'm out there.  And that's pretty big to me!

 See A-T

Making Money

Back in high school I wrote out a plan whereby the world could stop using money.  If I remember right, we would all go on a honest bartering system and we would all be happy.  Sounds nice, doesn't it?  Never feeling like you're lacking or deprived as long as someone else will trade you.  I'm thinking that idea won't soon be winning the Nobel Prize for Economics.

My life seems to be constantly tied up with the stress of money.  My brain is taxed to the hilt on payday as I divide a decent amount among an overwhelming number of bills and responsibilities.  My inner self struggles daily against the temptation of shopping.  The weight of unwise credit card debt keeps us aware of our bad choices.  My husband endures a lackluster job that allows us to leave adequately well.  And we wonder how our parents raised families on considerably less.

So what are we doing?  For awhile we've been half-doing Dave Ramsey's financial program.  It worked really well in the beginning and now we've just drawn it out too long.  We do have an emergency savings but need a shot in the arm to continue getting where we need to be.  I know he always says, "Beans and rice, rice and beans" but it seems like it would take eating our food storage every night for awhile before that would get us too far ahead.

We talked recently about moving into a small cheap apartment as a way to build up extra money each month. Truthfully, that's what we've done for our whole marriage.  The place we're living now is the first place we've really loved and for the perks that come with it, we'd be sacrificing more than just shelter to move out now.  

And we've talked about getting part-time jobs.  Indeed, I started applying for seasonal jobs this afternoon.  I'm not 100% sold on the idea, but it seems like a better solution than asking my already hard-working husband to be gone from his kids even longer every day.  If I think about it long, I do start getting excited about contributing again, especially imagining my check's chunk of money disappearing our debt directly.

We will keep on keeping on, but I'm curious...

when in similar situations, what do you do?

Want more A-Z?

Yummy Yummy Ice Cream

Who on the planet doesn't love ice cream?  Or gelato, or Italian Ice, or frozen yogurt?  Well, anyways, I love ice cream enough for anyone out there who does not partake.

My favorite?  Definitely Chunky Monkey from Ben & Jerry's.

I was going to explain the inner struggle I have supporting Ben & Jerry's (loving their strong corporate culture while hating a number of their political/social stances), but, really, it's just ice cream, and I'm not strong enough to say no. 

In the end, I don't patronize their scoop shops anymore, but if my husband brings a pint home to smooth over our latest disagreement, I'm hardly going to turn down the cold and creamy treat.  Can you blame me?

Missed A-H?

In My Heart On Thursday

"We have free will, and the Devil also has things in his mind too."

-Donald Kraybill, Amish Grace

In My Heart On Thursday

The Echo

'Twas a sheep not a lamb

That strayed away in the parable Jesus told,

A grown-up sheep that strayed away

From the ninety and nine in the fold.

And why for the sheep should we seek 

And earnestly hope and pray?

Because there is danger when sheep go wrong:

They lead the lambs astray.

Lambs will follow the sheep, you know, 

Wherever the sheep may stray.

When sheep go wrong, 

It won't take long till the lambs are as wrong as they.

And so with the sheep we earnestly plead

For the sake of the lambs today,

For when the sheep are lost

What a terrible cost

The lambs will have to pay.

-C.C. Miller, as read by Elder Richard J. Maynes, Establishing a Christ-Centered Home

In My Heart On Thursday

"The problem with history was that it was written by the survivors, and they usually wrote it in sunshine, or harvest day, from victory stands."

-Timothy Egan, The Worst Hard Time

In My Heart On...Friday

A day late, but worth sharing a thought that's inspiring me...

“When we get out of the glass bottle of our ego and when we escape like the squirrels in the cage of our personality and get into the forest again, we shall shiver with cold and fright. But things will happen to us so that we don’t know ourselves. Cool, unlying life will rush in.” 


                                                                                                                         – D. H. Lawrence

In My Heart On Thursday

-Lisa Jan South,  Ensign, Febrary 2011

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints held their annual General Conference this weekend.  Available almost immediately world-wide via internet streaming and radio broadcast, I still appreciate the blessing of living in Utah and being able to watch it live on network tv.  This year I tried to keep my boys interested with coloring pages and crafts that taught the names of the leaders who were speaking.  For the first time in many years I was able to enjoy all four sessions without too many child distractions.  

So many of the messages spoke directly to troubles or worries I have in my life, but the talk I can't get out of my head today was by Elder Lynn G. Robbins.

The difference between "doing" and "being."  I asked my husband last night what he needs from me-how I can be a better wife and make his life more enjoyable.  I was expecting a long list of chores like "put away the laundry instead of leaving it folded in the clothes basket for a week" and "have all the toys put away when I get home from work at the end of the day."  Instead he poured out his heart with his desires for me to remember the beautiful person I was when we were first together.  He didn't have a big gold star to award me when I finished a checklist of household duties.  Instead he shared the pain he feels as he sees me pulling away from him and our kids, and his fear that one day I will wake up not able to remember what it means to be happy.

Now, there's no need to rush out and put me into therapy.  I have spent a lot of time lately very introverted and selfishly looking only at me.  There's a slippery slope in that and I've allowed myself to start down it.  Not too far down, though and to see that today is very refreshing.

The reason it matters to me so much all of a sudden?  A great opportunity to fulfill a dream has opened up unexpectedly.  It's the right time and will be incredibly successful, but I don't have my cards in order.  Quite a few other messages given this weekend stressed the importance of being ready for the blessings of eternity when they become available to you.  Obviously I'm already married and have two beautiful little boys; what I've neglected to work on is my time management and putting them at the center of my life.  It's hard to convince them that starting a huge new endeavour won't leave them even more in the peripheral of my eye.

And so, that is what I am starting on today.  Rededicating myself to the small and simple things-daily prayer and scripture study, listening and praising, putting away the laundry and maybe even helping wash the dishes.  The other project is going to move forward and that's exciting as well as scary.  Hopefully re-creating the strength of love for my family, myself, and my relationship with my Heavenly Father will be the piece of the puzzle that makes this upcoming venture attainable.