I Wandered Off, but I'm Wandering Still...

If you were hanging out with me a year ago, you might remember that I was walking around with a pretty dismal view of the New Year.  In the end, however, 2011 turned out to be a pretty great year.  I had the privilege of teaching some extremely powerful Relief Society lessons where the class taught me more than I possibly could have given to them.    I got to go on a shopping spree.    I traveled with my family to the Grand Canyon, San Diego, all over New Mexico, and a gigantic swap meet in the Midwest.  And I finally found a way to love my hair.  Going into 2012 I have a thousand reasons to be happy and  grateful.

As I think about what I want to accomplish in the coming year, the word that keeps coming to mind is "responsibility."  Nearly every area of my life could be marked with bright red "LAZY" stamp across the top of it.  In cultivating that laziness, I've neglected a lot of people and a lot of opportunities.  It's time for me to get busy being the person I'm supposed to be.

My new resolve breaks down into five basic categories:

~Making my physical world better (one little step, or maybe two)

~Fixing the damage caused by considering myself a stay-at-home mom instead of a homemaker

~Testing my grit as a homeschooling parent before I make a decision I hate

~Realistically making our extended travel plans

~Blogging the way I'm supposed to be.

I'll write about each of those in the coming weeks.  About the blogging, however, I want to apologize now for letting myself get carried away.  The past year on this blog has been so fun, but the past few months, especially, have been unfulfilling. I started this blog as an outlet for thoughts that were important to me.  When people ask what I write about, I tell them, "a little bit faith, a little bit life, a little bit traveling."  Those are the things that are important to me.  I never wanted Wandering Still to be money-making or popularity inducing.  I just wanted to share my thoughts with the people who wanted to listen.  Thank you to those of you who've wandered off with me.  But rest assured, 

2012 is going to find me getting back to "ME."  

I hope you'll join me on the journey.

Making Money

Back in high school I wrote out a plan whereby the world could stop using money.  If I remember right, we would all go on a honest bartering system and we would all be happy.  Sounds nice, doesn't it?  Never feeling like you're lacking or deprived as long as someone else will trade you.  I'm thinking that idea won't soon be winning the Nobel Prize for Economics.

My life seems to be constantly tied up with the stress of money.  My brain is taxed to the hilt on payday as I divide a decent amount among an overwhelming number of bills and responsibilities.  My inner self struggles daily against the temptation of shopping.  The weight of unwise credit card debt keeps us aware of our bad choices.  My husband endures a lackluster job that allows us to leave adequately well.  And we wonder how our parents raised families on considerably less.

So what are we doing?  For awhile we've been half-doing Dave Ramsey's financial program.  It worked really well in the beginning and now we've just drawn it out too long.  We do have an emergency savings but need a shot in the arm to continue getting where we need to be.  I know he always says, "Beans and rice, rice and beans" but it seems like it would take eating our food storage every night for awhile before that would get us too far ahead.

We talked recently about moving into a small cheap apartment as a way to build up extra money each month. Truthfully, that's what we've done for our whole marriage.  The place we're living now is the first place we've really loved and for the perks that come with it, we'd be sacrificing more than just shelter to move out now.  

And we've talked about getting part-time jobs.  Indeed, I started applying for seasonal jobs this afternoon.  I'm not 100% sold on the idea, but it seems like a better solution than asking my already hard-working husband to be gone from his kids even longer every day.  If I think about it long, I do start getting excited about contributing again, especially imagining my check's chunk of money disappearing our debt directly.

We will keep on keeping on, but I'm curious...

when in similar situations, what do you do?

Want more A-Z?

In My Heart On Thursday

The Echo

'Twas a sheep not a lamb

That strayed away in the parable Jesus told,

A grown-up sheep that strayed away

From the ninety and nine in the fold.

And why for the sheep should we seek 

And earnestly hope and pray?

Because there is danger when sheep go wrong:

They lead the lambs astray.

Lambs will follow the sheep, you know, 

Wherever the sheep may stray.

When sheep go wrong, 

It won't take long till the lambs are as wrong as they.

And so with the sheep we earnestly plead

For the sake of the lambs today,

For when the sheep are lost

What a terrible cost

The lambs will have to pay.

-C.C. Miller, as read by Elder Richard J. Maynes, Establishing a Christ-Centered Home

In My Heart On Thursday

"One of our sons was spending a few days incarcerated in a local facility to 'pay his debt to society.'  As I looked at his sorrowful countenance behind that glass wall, my heart nearly broken, I only wished I had held and rocked that baby boy.  I couldn't, as hard as I tried, think of a specific time when I had held him on my lap and kissed his head, face, and ears and held him close to my heart.

I had washed that boy, scolded him for misdeeds, sent him to school, even taken pictures of him, but I couldn't remember putting my lips next to his ear and whispering tender, loving, happy words that might have echoed in his memory when he needed them.  When my arms couldn't get to him through that terrible glass barrier, I wanted to remember how it felt to hold him and I wanted him to remember how it felt to be held and loved by his mother.

So, if I could go back, I would hold and rock and sing and whisper love to my child every single day."

                                                                      -Excerpt from Delta, Utah, Ensign Magazine, July 1996

In My Heart On Thursday

“…do not forget to pray.  Each time you pray, if you do so sincerely, there will be the flash of a new feeling in it, and a new thought as well, one you did not know before, which will give you fresh courage; and you will understand that prayer is education.  Remember also: every day and whenever you can, repeat within yourself: ‘Lord, have mercy upon all who come before you today.’  For every hour and every moment thousands of people leave their life on this earth, and their souls come before the Lord—and so many of them part with the earth in isolation, unknown to anyone, in sadness and sorrow that no one will mourn for them, or even know whether they had lived or not.  And so, perhaps from the other end of the earth, your prayer for his repose will rise up to the Lord, though you did not know him at all, nor he you.  How moving it is for this soul, coming in fear before the Lord, to feel at that moment that someone is praying for him, too, that there is still a human being on earth who loves him.  And God, too, will look upon you both with more mercy, for if even you so pitied him, how much more will he who is infinitely more merciful and loving than you are.  And he will forgive him for your sake.”

                                                                                       -The Brothers Karamazov, Fyodor Dostoevsky

The Way Life Turns Out To Be

A professor once asked the students of her marriage preparation course, "What are the most important values you are looking for in a spouse?" The lists were long: sense of humour, intelligence, faith, steady job, good family, similar interests, education, sense of adventure, loyalty, stability... The professor then asked, "What one of those values is your top priority?" Without much pause, students responded: sense of humour, intelligence, faith, steady job, good family, similar interests, education, sense of adventure, loyalty, stability... They, like most of modern society, wanted it all. *

We are fortunate to live in an age when any dream can be realized or obtained. What a marvelous thing! We should never take it for granted; we should also never let it cloud our vision. The fact of the matter is, "having it all" only comes after we've obtained important things individually. Very few people win the lottery and see all of their dreams fulfilled in one lump sum. We have to prioritize or instead of achieving all our goals we'll find ourselves many years down the road living with none of them.

 Let's use relationships as an example. Every one of the attributes listed above is noble and desirable. It is natural to judge new acquaintances in accordance with the characteristics we value. The key is not letting the entire list keep us from getting to know a person better. We would remain friendless and alone for eternity. Allowing ourselves to be pulled towards what is good enables us to explore what more could be good. It is here, unfortunately, where we begin to see another sort of problem. Instead of negating all people because they don't match every standard, some people throw common sense out the window and choose instead to naively accept all people. In the end, neither scenario is going to bring us closer to achieving our goals. 

I think every person can benefit from setting down to re-evaluate the areas of life where they've had goals and dreams-work, community involvement, diet, etc. Think back to a time when these ideas were new. What made you smile and feel happy? What ideas did you have about where life was heading? What was most important and have you held onto that as you've moved forward towards achieving your goals? If not, there is still time to pause and reconsider how to redirection your life so that those important attributes surround you. And, then, here's the kicker: What were your dealbreakers? What were the things that you absolutely would not accept? If you ever find yourself questioning why life has turned out so differently than you'd imagined or if there is an aspect of life that continually (or confusedly) makes you unhappy, take a moment to also reconsider these things. 

We are blessed to live in a time where we can achieve every single thing our hearts and minds set out to do. Let us work towards those goals by making sure we stand steadfast on the individual attributes that will make us the person we want to be. (*Thank you to Jacque DeGaston for relating this story)

Thanks for allowing me the liberty to re-post this entry from my first year of writing.  Feeling uninspired in life right now, I'm grateful to the Lord for leading me back to my own enlightened guidance...

It's All in What You Do

Everyone of us has a decision to make upon waking each morning. Our sequence of daily choices works as a conveyor belt moving us ever closer to the idealized person we can see in our dreams. My question today is whether or not people's perceptions of us reflect that person we want to be. Several events over the past few days have led me to take an inward look at my daily interactions with friends and family and re-evaluate the choices I consistently make. More accurately, in my case, to re-evaluate the choices I avoid making by keeping quiet and avoiding confrontation. Sunday afternoon I was excited to attend the final session of the Draper Temple dedication. As I sat with two other people I tried to focus on the beautiful photography being shown and music being played. I wanted to feel the sacredness of the moment and feel the peace that only the temple can bring. However, it wasn't long before I found myself drawn into the conversation going on beside me. We laughed and enjoyed each other's company (which is also appropriate and important in the temple) but the conversation too often focused on the shortcomings of another person we know. Although our thoughts were shared with love and understanding of that person's situation, our hearts too keenly desired to release the frustration we had been feeling. This conversation continued for nearly two hours outside in the car after the dedication had ended. Last night Ben and I watched a news program on ABC called What Would You Do? We were appalled as scenarios were set up and unsuspecting people unquestioningly did whatever it was they were asked to do. We watched a middle-aged lady put drugs in some body's soda and customers ignore a blatant discrimination attack. The most unbelievable sketch, though, was watching person after person steal a baby from a grocery store because a stranger with a badge had asked them for their help. We were appalled and asking, "Who would do that? Who wouldn't think it was strange for a cop to be asking a complete stranger at the last minute to do that?" The final situation that tied these all together came in a phone conversation this morning. I was taken off guard by a comment that was made and quickly took the comfortable road of mumbling evasive agreements like, "Oh," and "Huh." Not really adding to the conversation and the opinion, but not detracting from it either. That's the way I did or would have dealt with all three of these situations. In the first and the third I had every opportunity to speak up and share my feelings that the conversation was not appropriate or that the opinions could be very hurtful, especially being conveyed in such a way. The gravity of my passive behaviour, though, only really came to light as I thought about the show and the kidnapped baby. Of course I would not have any part of a situation like the one portrayed and so I was feeling pretty good about myself for that. Just like avoiding a beggar, I would have diverted my eyes and hurried along my way. Then Ben asked, "Why aren't any of them immediately calling the police to say a weirdo is outside the grocery store trying to steal a baby?" That thought had never crossed my mind (or his until that moment). Assuming the situation were real, I would have been as much at fault for the tragic outcome merely by not doing anything. Is any of this ringing true in anyone else's ears? Maybe not this exact character weakness, but something you know you do that is contradictory to the person you want to be? Thinking about it has already helped me and I feel more at ease with myself because of it. After hanging up this morning, I called two people who really know me and expressed to them the way I was feeling. Then, with their encouraging words, I followed up with a response I could feel good about. One that I hope showed I wasn't taking sides or looking poorly upon that person, but that showed I understood the concerns of both parties involved and hoped it could be addressed without me being in the middle. That's a big step for me and I hope tomorrow I wake up able to build on that step. My hope for every person I know and love is that they are able to find themselves doing the same. What is the thing you can do today that will enable you to wake up tomorrow one step closer to that person you dream to be?

A Lot of Thinking

How far back do your actions set you? This question popped into my head during church a few weeks ago and at the time I had a very specific incident in mind between Ben and my brothers-in-law. I wanted him to realize that simple decisions like which movie to watch or which television show to quote may speak volumes louder than his most genuine example of standing uprightly. Sitting through the rest of church other events ran through my mind:

• Raising your voice at a child when you're trying to teach him to use his indoor voice or the proper way to deal with anger
• Gossiping to a person with whom you've worked hard to build trust
• Slacking at your job or
• Breaking your word by neglecting a commitment or responsibility

Surprisingly, while thinking of these different situations I didn't allow myself to feel down about myself or the things that I am doing. I recognize that I'm human and sometimes do things I later wish I hadn't. Every one of us does. Knowing and admitting this can help us be more aware of how what we're doing and saying may be perceived. Believe it! We have the ability to change our own course of action and determine whether we will be better people one day. The longer I pondered this whole idea, the more I was reminded of another thought I had a few months ago around election time. Trying to reconcile the nation's choice with my own concerns and worries, I wondered, "What do you do after you've done all you can do?" The answer, of course, is get out of bed every morning, try to make the people around you smile, and try your best to stand strong for what you believe. Reflecting on these two questions together can help us find enlightenment. Most of us are good people trying hard to do good things every day. We want our children to feel protected and loved while they learn and grow. We want our friends and family to smile when they think of us and our co-workers to strive to work harder beside us. We make mistakes, but when we're humble enough to see the damage that's been done, we'll find the strength to try again the next day. If we can wake up and realize that yesterday was actually a pretty good day, then the foundation has been laid and the mistakes we make tomorrow may be a little bit smaller than the ones we make today. Building day by day and one mis-step at a time, we'll make it where we're trying to go and hopefully we'll made a positive impression along the way.