In My Heart On Thursday

-Lisa Jan South,  Ensign, Febrary 2011

The Devil Hates You

That's what my husband said to me last night.  I had just told him I was really unhappy and felt like I was being punished for 15 years of selfish decisions.  He saw it differently.  This is what he had to say:

We have two incredible children.  The older is brilliant and funny and incredibly hard to lead.  He lives life with complete emotion and isn't easily swayed to do what he knows is wrong.  The younger brought to earth the joy of heaven and a smile that can brighten even the darkest day.  They are both supported by the love of their Heavenly Father and my role is to raise them righteously.  As strong as they are, they will still need a mother who can teach them how to love and serve and rely on the powers of the Atonement in hopes of returning to live with their Father in Heaven.

The devil is aware.  He knows the struggle it's going to be to get at my children and attacks the target he sees as weak.  That's me.

"...and he shall wear out the saints of the most High..."-Daniel 7:25

A few weeks ago I read an enlightening commentary on the Devil as Accuser.  The author described Satan as the one who incites us to sin and then stands by to remind us, accuse us, and taunt us about every thing we have ever done wrong.  My husband equated the devil to "The Big Tattle-Tale." When he stands before God and brags about the terrible we are doing, the Lord turns away without giving his words one moment of thought.  Not to be rebuked, though, the devil retreats and returns to working on an audience more receptive to his message.

"And the dragon was wroth with the woman, and went to make war with the remnant of her seed, which keep the commandments of God, and have the testimony of Jesus Christ."-Revelations 12:17

It became clear to me after reading this article and doing my own study of the scriptures that Satan is after the righteous.  He has nothing to gain from a person living a life less than that.  That is the point my husband, last night, was making.  As I try to follow the commandments of God and raise my boys to make righteous choices, the devil attacks me.  He gets afraid of losing ground and when I don't make it easy for him he sends his minions to surround me with a constant barrage of evil thoughts, self doubt, and thoughts of giving in to make sure that he wins in the end.

"Submit yourselves, therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you...For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us...that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."-James 4:7, Romans 8:18,38-39

My night and conversation with my husband did not end with a great lightening of worries and cares; the devil's stronghold is hard to break.  But I was able to get out of bed this morning knowing that I have a new opportunity each day to access the blessings of the Savior's Atonement for me. The Devil may hate me, but the Lord has not given up on me.  He will protect me, and my boys, until that day when I can once again stand before Him full of humility and account that I tried my hardest with the life that was given to me.  

In My Heart On Thursday

"One of our sons was spending a few days incarcerated in a local facility to 'pay his debt to society.'  As I looked at his sorrowful countenance behind that glass wall, my heart nearly broken, I only wished I had held and rocked that baby boy.  I couldn't, as hard as I tried, think of a specific time when I had held him on my lap and kissed his head, face, and ears and held him close to my heart.

I had washed that boy, scolded him for misdeeds, sent him to school, even taken pictures of him, but I couldn't remember putting my lips next to his ear and whispering tender, loving, happy words that might have echoed in his memory when he needed them.  When my arms couldn't get to him through that terrible glass barrier, I wanted to remember how it felt to hold him and I wanted him to remember how it felt to be held and loved by his mother.

So, if I could go back, I would hold and rock and sing and whisper love to my child every single day."

                                                                      -Excerpt from Delta, Utah, Ensign Magazine, July 1996

Obligatory New Year's Blah-Blah-Blah

A few weeks ago I read an article explaining that time does not stop or change at the New Year, only humans do.  At the time I thought to myself, "Who cares?  Resolving to make myself a better person isn't a bad thing."  Now, though, I've lived through another New Year's and I'm understanding more clearly what the article's writer had been imbibing.

The truth is, I am not a better person than I was three days ago and I don't feel the motivation or desire to be so.  This New Year's Eve found me more mad at the world than I can remember ever being and that mood hasn't left me.  I know we're individually responsible for making our own happiness, but I haven't made it work before and the dead cold dark of January isn't really the time I see myself finding motivation to make this time successful.  So, with an apology to my husband and my kids who take the brunt of my self-imposed misery, let me say that one day I will try again to quit making your life miserable.

In the meantime, here are a few of the activities I'm looking forward to planning, experiencing, and writing about in 2011.

1.  A year of Thai food cooking.
2.  List and review of books I read in 2010
3.  Finding a way to make sure 2012 finds us somewhere more exotic than we are now.
4.  Rediscovering the feeling of true faith.

Best wishes to you if you're hyped up for a finger-tingling year.  Hopefully I'll find you there in a little while!

In My Heart On Thursday

“…do not forget to pray.  Each time you pray, if you do so sincerely, there will be the flash of a new feeling in it, and a new thought as well, one you did not know before, which will give you fresh courage; and you will understand that prayer is education.  Remember also: every day and whenever you can, repeat within yourself: ‘Lord, have mercy upon all who come before you today.’  For every hour and every moment thousands of people leave their life on this earth, and their souls come before the Lord—and so many of them part with the earth in isolation, unknown to anyone, in sadness and sorrow that no one will mourn for them, or even know whether they had lived or not.  And so, perhaps from the other end of the earth, your prayer for his repose will rise up to the Lord, though you did not know him at all, nor he you.  How moving it is for this soul, coming in fear before the Lord, to feel at that moment that someone is praying for him, too, that there is still a human being on earth who loves him.  And God, too, will look upon you both with more mercy, for if even you so pitied him, how much more will he who is infinitely more merciful and loving than you are.  And he will forgive him for your sake.”

                                                                                       -The Brothers Karamazov, Fyodor Dostoevsky

A Lot of Thinking

How far back do your actions set you? This question popped into my head during church a few weeks ago and at the time I had a very specific incident in mind between Ben and my brothers-in-law. I wanted him to realize that simple decisions like which movie to watch or which television show to quote may speak volumes louder than his most genuine example of standing uprightly. Sitting through the rest of church other events ran through my mind:

• Raising your voice at a child when you're trying to teach him to use his indoor voice or the proper way to deal with anger
• Gossiping to a person with whom you've worked hard to build trust
• Slacking at your job or
• Breaking your word by neglecting a commitment or responsibility

Surprisingly, while thinking of these different situations I didn't allow myself to feel down about myself or the things that I am doing. I recognize that I'm human and sometimes do things I later wish I hadn't. Every one of us does. Knowing and admitting this can help us be more aware of how what we're doing and saying may be perceived. Believe it! We have the ability to change our own course of action and determine whether we will be better people one day. The longer I pondered this whole idea, the more I was reminded of another thought I had a few months ago around election time. Trying to reconcile the nation's choice with my own concerns and worries, I wondered, "What do you do after you've done all you can do?" The answer, of course, is get out of bed every morning, try to make the people around you smile, and try your best to stand strong for what you believe. Reflecting on these two questions together can help us find enlightenment. Most of us are good people trying hard to do good things every day. We want our children to feel protected and loved while they learn and grow. We want our friends and family to smile when they think of us and our co-workers to strive to work harder beside us. We make mistakes, but when we're humble enough to see the damage that's been done, we'll find the strength to try again the next day. If we can wake up and realize that yesterday was actually a pretty good day, then the foundation has been laid and the mistakes we make tomorrow may be a little bit smaller than the ones we make today. Building day by day and one mis-step at a time, we'll make it where we're trying to go and hopefully we'll made a positive impression along the way.

Who do you Judge?

How can we support and strengthen other people and their families? Stop Judging. Too many people in the world today are dealing with situations and circumstances they never would have imagined into their own life stories: unplanned pregnancies, broken marriages, alternative lifestyles, addictions. These are not usually things families invite upon themselves. Yet, they are happening every day and people are forced to decide how they are going to deal with the events that come their way. Where there is love and a close connection between family members and friends, less than ideal events like these are often met with compassion, support, forgiveness, and leniency. Can the same be said when tragedy or upheaval is happening to the neighbor down the street, the colleague down the hall, or the parishioner sitting in the pew in front of you? It is much easier to sit in our homes or around the table at the coffee shop and pass judgement on people and families who are having difficult times. Disapproval and reproach do no better in bringing about help and encouragment than would completely ignoring and avoiding the situation all together. Most of us have enough prudence not to appear so hateful and uncaring when confronting the afflicted directly, but do we really think that our "true" feelings and distaste are hidden? I guarantee you they are not. If we honestly desire to support and strengthen the people and families around us, we need to be sincere and offer understanding. In thinking we are above their lot in life, we only add to the sorrow and hurdles which they face. A parent dealing with a wayward child needs their entire focus on that child. The child will suffer more if his parents are dealing not only with their own feelings of failure and disappointment but also the stress of being under the neighborhood microscope. This is true regardless of the circumstances, and most of us know how it feels to be the person being judged. Not a single person on this earth is going to make it through their lifetime here on earth without a few bumps in the road. When it is your turn and your friends or familiy are hurting, my heartfelt prayer is that you emerge on the other end feeling stronger and closer together. Likewise, if you find yourself right now coasting along and enjoying the scenery, be mindful that exercising your most divine qualities (compassion, generosity, and humility) could mean the difference between a family that falters and a family that grows.