In My Heart On Thursday (Dreams)

"Everyone has an official wish list of things they think are "reasonable". What about the unofficial wish list? The one that common sense tells you to ignore? The list that exists deep in your mind, the list that keeps you up at night, that makes your toes wiggle when you think of it? Why not choose that list for a change? How long have you dreamed of being, having, and doing what you really want? Think big, as when it comes to your goals, the size of your ambition does matter."

-First Rule of Success:  Be Decisive, Gary Ryan Blair

Resolve #1-Making a SMALL part of My World Better

I have always wanted to be one of those women that does all her shopping with re-usable bags.  Over time I've gathered a few boring store brand ones, but I NEVER remember to use them.  Even if they're in the empty seat beside me as I pull into the grocery store parking lot, I will grab my purse and not give a thought to grabbing them as well.

My community does not offer any kind of curbside recycling, so it's not a habit I've ever gotten in to.  In my house plastic bags go straight into the garbage.  I have absolutely no use for them (well, lining the bathroom trashcan, maybe).  I know stores have collection bins, but if I can't remember a bag I paid for when I go in the store, there's no way I'm going to remember a wad of dirty plastic ones.  If I'm quick enough at the checkout stand, I do usually get paper bags so I can cut them up and use for crafting with my kids.  I've been noticing, though, that several of my regular grocery haunts have quit using paper bags completely (Kroger, you are my biggest offender!).

And so, for an easy way to get 2012 off on the right foot, I'm converting to all re-usable shopping bags!  I should feel ashamed to tell you it's not actually for the recycling after all.  But I'm not ashamed.  I just want to shop with pretty bags that make me happy.  I went hunting last week and found a great selection-huge bags at TJ Maxx, tiny bags at Ross Dress for Less,  and bags to get the kids excited at Toys 'R Us.  I have a few that fold up very small to fit in my purse, and one Envirosak that I bought a long time ago on Totsy.

Have they made it out on a shopping trip with me?  Three trips to the store in the last week, and I forgot my bags the first two.  But I made up for it today!  I took them to Costco and didn't have to make 15 trips from the car to the house when I got home.  The bagboy for the rest of my grocery shopping thanked me for having such big bags.  And he even used one of the tiny ones for my white wine vinegar and cheese.  This is the beginning of a new way of life for me!

Do you shop with re-usable bags?  

I'd love to hear about your favorite one!

I Wandered Off, but I'm Wandering Still...

If you were hanging out with me a year ago, you might remember that I was walking around with a pretty dismal view of the New Year.  In the end, however, 2011 turned out to be a pretty great year.  I had the privilege of teaching some extremely powerful Relief Society lessons where the class taught me more than I possibly could have given to them.    I got to go on a shopping spree.    I traveled with my family to the Grand Canyon, San Diego, all over New Mexico, and a gigantic swap meet in the Midwest.  And I finally found a way to love my hair.  Going into 2012 I have a thousand reasons to be happy and  grateful.

As I think about what I want to accomplish in the coming year, the word that keeps coming to mind is "responsibility."  Nearly every area of my life could be marked with bright red "LAZY" stamp across the top of it.  In cultivating that laziness, I've neglected a lot of people and a lot of opportunities.  It's time for me to get busy being the person I'm supposed to be.

My new resolve breaks down into five basic categories:

~Making my physical world better (one little step, or maybe two)

~Fixing the damage caused by considering myself a stay-at-home mom instead of a homemaker

~Testing my grit as a homeschooling parent before I make a decision I hate

~Realistically making our extended travel plans

~Blogging the way I'm supposed to be.

I'll write about each of those in the coming weeks.  About the blogging, however, I want to apologize now for letting myself get carried away.  The past year on this blog has been so fun, but the past few months, especially, have been unfulfilling. I started this blog as an outlet for thoughts that were important to me.  When people ask what I write about, I tell them, "a little bit faith, a little bit life, a little bit traveling."  Those are the things that are important to me.  I never wanted Wandering Still to be money-making or popularity inducing.  I just wanted to share my thoughts with the people who wanted to listen.  Thank you to those of you who've wandered off with me.  But rest assured, 

2012 is going to find me getting back to "ME."  

I hope you'll join me on the journey.

Making Money

Back in high school I wrote out a plan whereby the world could stop using money.  If I remember right, we would all go on a honest bartering system and we would all be happy.  Sounds nice, doesn't it?  Never feeling like you're lacking or deprived as long as someone else will trade you.  I'm thinking that idea won't soon be winning the Nobel Prize for Economics.

My life seems to be constantly tied up with the stress of money.  My brain is taxed to the hilt on payday as I divide a decent amount among an overwhelming number of bills and responsibilities.  My inner self struggles daily against the temptation of shopping.  The weight of unwise credit card debt keeps us aware of our bad choices.  My husband endures a lackluster job that allows us to leave adequately well.  And we wonder how our parents raised families on considerably less.

So what are we doing?  For awhile we've been half-doing Dave Ramsey's financial program.  It worked really well in the beginning and now we've just drawn it out too long.  We do have an emergency savings but need a shot in the arm to continue getting where we need to be.  I know he always says, "Beans and rice, rice and beans" but it seems like it would take eating our food storage every night for awhile before that would get us too far ahead.

We talked recently about moving into a small cheap apartment as a way to build up extra money each month. Truthfully, that's what we've done for our whole marriage.  The place we're living now is the first place we've really loved and for the perks that come with it, we'd be sacrificing more than just shelter to move out now.  

And we've talked about getting part-time jobs.  Indeed, I started applying for seasonal jobs this afternoon.  I'm not 100% sold on the idea, but it seems like a better solution than asking my already hard-working husband to be gone from his kids even longer every day.  If I think about it long, I do start getting excited about contributing again, especially imagining my check's chunk of money disappearing our debt directly.

We will keep on keeping on, but I'm curious...

when in similar situations, what do you do?

Want more A-Z?

Joy

On my new blog, Eating the Nibbly Bibs, the focus is 100% joy.  Both for my two boys and for me.  I'm working out of a fabulous book named Teaching Your Children Joy where I do a daily activity with them and then record my thoughts and observations on how it went.  

Here is a post from last week:

I'm InWhat I'm learning about parenting is this:  You have to be all in.  Children grow up whether you're intensely involved or not.  The opportunity we have is to be a part of that during the short amount of time we have with them.  And we choose the degree of intensity.

During the past four years I've had ups and downs-periods of complete attention and periods of viewing from the sidelines.  The last year I'd evaluate as fairly well checked out and the results are there to prove it.  Beck and I argue like he's a teenager.  Indeed I look at him and can see exactly what 14-year-old Beck will be.  But the good news is that that's true for the good times too!  I've noticed before, and I'm seeing it now...when I'm anxiously engaged in being mom to my two boys, they smile and laugh and want to be anxiously engaged with me.  It's a lesson worth learning, and one I'm sure I'll need to keep learning again and again.

Today's Teaching Your Children Joy activity was to "make spontaneity a high priority."  Be open to letting it happen anytime and anyplace.  It's hard to get past the point when you holler "No," or "Stop," "Sshhh!", but when you do it makes the world more interesting for both you and your child.

So try it.  Let them splash in a puddle.  Follow the direction of their pointing fingers and over-enthusiastic shouts of "LOOK!"  Clear the way and let them spin the kid cart while walking through the grocery store.  They'll be happier and you might just find yourself barefooted squishing mud between your toes.  

If you have little ones, or if you don't, I'd love to have you come on over and check it out... 

Eating the Nibbly Bibs

For earlier A-Z posts...

A Little Piece of Paper Defines Me

My passport has expired.  I'd lost my driver's license and was hunting for the legal documents I needed to replace it when I came across the well-worn little blue book.  I opened it up to take a mini-trip down memory lane and instantly felt a dagger of pain tear through my traveling soul.  I let out a scream and started to cry.  My husband came running to see what was the matter and then stood in a stupor fearing I'd finally completely lost my mind.  I felt like my life was over.

The truth is that my life has been changing.  I've noticed over the past few months that my travel-planning is more of an afterthought.  The dreams are constantly in my mind, but the opportunities pass and I'm left reflecting on how I let practicality or financial responsibility make the decision for me.  Where in the past I would have spent the last two months spontaneously road-tripping, the farthest I've actually been is 2 hours from home on a Sunday afternoon.  It's a numb feeling inside of me that normally would have me kicking and screaming.  Instead I'm resigning to my current reality.

Which is not to say that all is lost for me!  I've written before about the big plans my family has for traveling. That dream is still alive and well.  And to reawaken the life-breath inside of me, I'm going to share the latest rendition of our plans with you...

I recently discovered that kindergarten is not required in the state of Utah.  This is wonderful news for me!  Our little boy Beck will be old enough to start school  in September 2012, one year from now, and so that has become our target date for packing up and leaving.  Rather than loading up with notebooks and pencils, his backpack will be full of maps and traveling activities (he is adorably in love with reading maps and telling us the way).

We're going to go east first for a stay with my family in the Midwest and a chance for my husband to work and make a little more money before leaving the country.  After that the world is wide open for 9 months of traveling.  Right now we're thinking to spend a month at a time divided between cute comfortable cottage-like rentals and camping;  a temporary home-base where we can get get a feel for community, but also venture out for days at a time and see the most of what there is to see.

More details?  No, not yet.  It's still a year away.  Right now I only have one important job to complete:  Tomorrow's mail will carry my passport renewal form and photos away, along with my 18-month-old son Peyton's first application.  I remember the excitement I felt seeing Beck's photo inside his very own passport, and I know it will be a party the day our mailwoman delivers my travel freedom back to me.

I promise future posts on where we're going to go, how we'll make sure Beck gets his kindergarten education on the road, and many other travel-related topics that get me smiling.  Until then, I'd love to hear anything you have to say!

What Do You Do In a Family?

Yesterday I had the great privilege to teach a lesson at church on family responsibility (basically, parenting).  A week ago I was irrevocably convinced I was the last person on earth qualified to teach that particular lesson and almost called to back out.  As the week progressed I thought to myself, "If any of my neighbors are in class on Sunday, I'll have to feign immediate illness."  They would surely call me out as a completely unqualified hypocrite.  But the Holy Ghost does wonderful things when you turn over your life in humility.  When it was all said and done, the 35 minutes I spent in front of the class was the most spiritual time I've ever felt while teaching.

Here are some of the things the spirit taught to me:

 My kids are children of our Heavenly Father.  They have His spirit, and their spirits studied with Him, learned from Him, and grew to maturity before they were given the opportunity to come to me. When I look at them I need to see what He sees and ask, "Who are you?" instead of "Why are you doing that?" or "What were you thinking."  My role as their mother is as much to learn from them as it is to teach them the things that I know.

In the grand scheme of things, what is really important for me to teach them?  To have faith.  To believe in the power of repentance.  That by making right choices, they can have the Holy Ghost as a constant guide.  And to pray (D&C 68:25, 28).  And if these are the things they are to learn, then I need to be sure to teach them in meekness and with patience.  I need to be ever kind and focused on true knowledge rather than my human confusions.  I need to be able and willing to clarify their mistakes with love.  Everything I do needs to pull them closer towards me rather than build up a moat that pushes them away (D&C 121:41-44)

It is a marvelous thing to have a family and that part of that family compound is a spouse to share both the burdens and the joys. I appreciated the council provided in my lesson material for my husband laying out simply the three things which are essential in his role as a father:

• Being worthy of the sacred calling to be a father and living in a way that allows him to perform in that capacity
• Making it a priority to spend time individually with each of his kids.  To get to know them and build a relationship where they can always feel comfortable calling on him.
• To provide for his family 

I especially appreciated the order of those three things.  His focus, and our focus together, should always be on the spiritual things first.  And while it is his responsibility, if possible, to provide for us, it should never become his main priority.

That brings me, then, to what I should be doing as a mother.  More than anything, my little boys need me to be spending time with them.  They need me to play with them and teach them life doesn't always have to be serious.  Children learn the best through play and I should never pass up the opportunity to listen to the things  they are imagining and dreaming.  

I need to do everything in my power to provide the best example of faithfulness and spiritual strength.  My actions and attitudes go a long way in allowing the spirit to dwell in our home and bring the peace children need to feel when surrounded by family.  Someday they will leave our home and head out into the world.  When they do it won't matter if someone else has to teach them to sew on a button or properly wash the dishes.  I would never dream of leaving their seeds of testimony to be planted and cultivated by the outside world.

A story in The Book of Mormon teaches about of a group of 2000 young men who fought valiantly for their families and their communities in battle.  Through trouble and strife, they ever laid the source of their courage at the feet of their mothers.

...and they were all young men, and they were exceedingly valiant for courage...but behold, this was not all-they were men who were true at all times in whatsoever thing they were entrusted.  Yea, they were men of truth and soberness, for they had been taught to keep the commandments of God and to walk uprightly before him...yea, they had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them.  And they rehearsed unto me the words of their mothers, saying, : "We do not doubt our mothers knew it." Alma 53:20-21, 56:47-48

That brings me to the last, and most important, thing I took away from my lesson yesterday: A mother's testimony can have a profound influence on her children.  I would add that a mother without a strong testimony will have an equally profound influence on the testimonies of the spirits with which she has been entrusted.  And yet, we are not alone.  Being a parent is far from easy and there will continue to be times when my spirit is dampened and trampled.  Yet I know there is no need to worry.  The Lord is watching over me.

In My Heart On Thursday

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

                                                                                                           ~ Steve Jobs

The Final Days

A few weeks ago I mentioned a blogging grant I'd applied for.  At the time it was a bit of a pipe-dream.  Since then an opportunity has opened up to take my little dream and make it into something big.  To say I'm excited would be A ridiculous understatement. 

The dream is going forward. This grant would be the icing on the cake.  Will you help by voting and sharing the link with your friends?  Voting ends April 15 and you can vote daily.  

EXPLORING OUT MY FRONT DOOR 

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints held their annual General Conference this weekend.  Available almost immediately world-wide via internet streaming and radio broadcast, I still appreciate the blessing of living in Utah and being able to watch it live on network tv.  This year I tried to keep my boys interested with coloring pages and crafts that taught the names of the leaders who were speaking.  For the first time in many years I was able to enjoy all four sessions without too many child distractions.  

So many of the messages spoke directly to troubles or worries I have in my life, but the talk I can't get out of my head today was by Elder Lynn G. Robbins.

The difference between "doing" and "being."  I asked my husband last night what he needs from me-how I can be a better wife and make his life more enjoyable.  I was expecting a long list of chores like "put away the laundry instead of leaving it folded in the clothes basket for a week" and "have all the toys put away when I get home from work at the end of the day."  Instead he poured out his heart with his desires for me to remember the beautiful person I was when we were first together.  He didn't have a big gold star to award me when I finished a checklist of household duties.  Instead he shared the pain he feels as he sees me pulling away from him and our kids, and his fear that one day I will wake up not able to remember what it means to be happy.

Now, there's no need to rush out and put me into therapy.  I have spent a lot of time lately very introverted and selfishly looking only at me.  There's a slippery slope in that and I've allowed myself to start down it.  Not too far down, though and to see that today is very refreshing.

The reason it matters to me so much all of a sudden?  A great opportunity to fulfill a dream has opened up unexpectedly.  It's the right time and will be incredibly successful, but I don't have my cards in order.  Quite a few other messages given this weekend stressed the importance of being ready for the blessings of eternity when they become available to you.  Obviously I'm already married and have two beautiful little boys; what I've neglected to work on is my time management and putting them at the center of my life.  It's hard to convince them that starting a huge new endeavour won't leave them even more in the peripheral of my eye.

And so, that is what I am starting on today.  Rededicating myself to the small and simple things-daily prayer and scripture study, listening and praising, putting away the laundry and maybe even helping wash the dishes.  The other project is going to move forward and that's exciting as well as scary.  Hopefully re-creating the strength of love for my family, myself, and my relationship with my Heavenly Father will be the piece of the puzzle that makes this upcoming venture attainable.

My $100 Dream

I am a thrift store shopper.  And if not a thrift store shopper, then definitely a clearance rack shopper. In Iowa my secondhand store of choice was Goodwill, preferably the Euclid store (or West Des Moines, but it had to be a special treat to make it all the way out there).  In Alaska the goods were at Value Village.  Quality was lacking at Value Village, but when you're thousands of miles from the next thrift store, you take what you can find.  Here in Utah, mecca for used-clothes hounds is Deseret Industries (DI).

Deseret Industries operates along the same lines as Goodwill, I think, offering employment and training services, affordable items for purchase, and a place for the community to donate their time and no-longer-needed belongings.  I support everything DI stands for, but what is the real reason I'm telling you all this?  I have a secret dream...

I want $100 and an entire day alone to DI-hop.  Within 45 minutes driving distance I have access to 10 fabulous stores.  By far my favorites are the Sugarhouse and the American Fork stores.  Sugarhouse always has unique items and American Fork has some tall, presumably wealthy people donating brand new stuff sized perfectly for me.  Whenever this dream shopping spree takes place, I'll start farthest north in downtown Salt Lake City.  That way, if I run out of time or money, I can skip the Provo store and know nothing is there waiting for me.  In the middle of BYU married-housing, that store gets the dregs people have been passing down for generations and should have sent to the trash rather than a merchandising establishment.

Why Deseret Industries you're thinking.  Why not dream and save up for a trip to the mall, or even bigger, to New York City?  Well, first, reality is that holding 100 free dollars in my hand is a pipe dream.  When that great party day arrives, I need to get the most bang for my buck.  I can walk out of the mall with 2-3 things or out of DI with 12-15 things.  Beyond the limitation of money, though, I see cute things peeking out at me every single time I go to DI.  Usually I'm there shopping for my kids or trying to find that hidden gem out in the yard (for my local readers, do you know about the yard?  I was sick to my stomach when I realized I'd been missing out for years and years).  If I do look through the racks for me, a skirt or shirt is guaranteed to fall in love with me, and once in love I have to take it home.  I'll hide it in the laundry basket until it's cleaned and then slip it in my closet pretending it's been there all along.  My husband laughs at me.  He's pretty sure my $3.00 discovery is not going to drain the coffers.

I'm sure a few of you are appalled by now.  It may not seem I have very classy or lofty goals. If that's what you're looking for, hop over to my SIL's blog Timeless.  Emulating and learning from Aubrey Hepburn, her shopping and fashion knowledge is in a world all her own.  As for me, I've got $20 in the bank.  One day that will grow and you'll find me grinning like a kid in a candy store.  You can find me buried in the racks of everyone else's hand-me-downs.

Photo credit: www.waymarking.com

In My Heart On Thursday

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs.  Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive."
                                                                            -Gil Bailie, as quoted in Wild At Heart by John Eldredge

Wandering Still? What It Means To Me

My Past
Small town Iowa girls don't often take far trips from home.  From birth to age 17 the longest trip I had taken was a three-hour road trip to my uncle's house in Weeping Water, Nebraska.  Then my mom blew everything out of the water.  Attempting to get me away from an abusive high-school boyfriend, she loaded me on a plane and sent me 8 flight hours away to the European continent.

Now, don't go thinking this was normal for my family.  We grew up on hand-me-down clothes and Hamburger Helper with twice the noodles and half the meat.  Fate just happened to intervene that year and I became the first student  hosted by our local Lions Club in a Youth Camp and Exchange Program. Traveling to Brussels with 25 Iowa teenagers and then embarking on a 6-week solo adventure with host families in the Netherlands was the most frightening enterprise imaginable.

I came home at the end of that summer an altogether different girl (yes, I did get rid of the loser of a boyfriend soon after).  Wanderlust has been a part of me ever since.  It prompted me to study Hospitality Management and released me from the Midwest to see the world.  Working seasonal hotel jobs, I lived on Cape Cod in Massachusetts and all over the state of Alaska.  Because they were seasonal jobs, and in the tourism industry, I was also afforded months of open-ended travel.  My mid-twenties found me gallivanting around the globe and culminated in a 4-month backpacking/cruising trip that hopped from the Caribbean to western Mexico, from southeast Asia to Australia and New Zealand.  Those are the days that spoiled me!

My Present
I'm married to a native Utahn and that has been my dwelling for the past 7 years.  Within 9 months of moving here I had experienced more of what this diverse state has to offer than a friend who'd been going to school here more than 3 years.  As a married couple, and now as a family with two young boys, we've made it a priority to continue getting out to see what there is to see.

People often give us long sideways glances after hearing of the next trip we're planning or reading about our latest exploits on our family blog, It's What We Do.  What they usually fail to understand is that while they're spending their free money on clothes, eating out, and movies, we're bundling ours together and escaping the humdrum of our every day lives.  The ultimate example of these glances, and our own sacrifices, was a 6-week trip to Europe in celebration of my husband's college graduation and our son's 1st birthday.  More than anything, it proved to me that I was still me and the doors of the world hadn't closed when I said, "I do."

My Future
A day does not go by without me gazing out my window wondering where else there is to be.  Traveling is now inherently in me.  I used to passionately proclaim that, "You don't have to settle down until your kids are in school!"  I want my family to share the world with me.  Some argue that toddlers and infants are too little to even know, that world travel is wasted until they're old enough to read the places they are going.  I don't agree.  My 3-year-old son Beck is a map-lover!  He will stop every 10 steps, lay down his map, and recalculate which way we should be heading.  I want him and his baby brother Peyton to start out right from the beginning with a love and appreciation for exploring.

Peyton will turn 1 in March and I want more than anything to be somewhere exotic on his birthday.  Not to be snobby, but for him to look back in 20 years and know that that is who we were.  Beck starts school in less than 2 years.  I want more than anything not to put him on the bus for his first day of kindergarten with the regret that we never got him out of here.

Ben and I are working on a goal.  By January 1, 2012, we are going to be out of here.  Maybe we won't be continent-hopping like I'd once dreamed, but we will be packed and jet-setting to somewhere more exotic than Lindon, Utah.  And, then, who knows...kids can do complete K-12 programs online now...the world doesn't have to settle in on me!

Obligatory New Year's Blah-Blah-Blah

A few weeks ago I read an article explaining that time does not stop or change at the New Year, only humans do.  At the time I thought to myself, "Who cares?  Resolving to make myself a better person isn't a bad thing."  Now, though, I've lived through another New Year's and I'm understanding more clearly what the article's writer had been imbibing.

The truth is, I am not a better person than I was three days ago and I don't feel the motivation or desire to be so.  This New Year's Eve found me more mad at the world than I can remember ever being and that mood hasn't left me.  I know we're individually responsible for making our own happiness, but I haven't made it work before and the dead cold dark of January isn't really the time I see myself finding motivation to make this time successful.  So, with an apology to my husband and my kids who take the brunt of my self-imposed misery, let me say that one day I will try again to quit making your life miserable.

In the meantime, here are a few of the activities I'm looking forward to planning, experiencing, and writing about in 2011.

1.  A year of Thai food cooking.
2.  List and review of books I read in 2010
3.  Finding a way to make sure 2012 finds us somewhere more exotic than we are now.
4.  Rediscovering the feeling of true faith.

Best wishes to you if you're hyped up for a finger-tingling year.  Hopefully I'll find you there in a little while!

The Way Life Turns Out To Be

A professor once asked the students of her marriage preparation course, "What are the most important values you are looking for in a spouse?" The lists were long: sense of humour, intelligence, faith, steady job, good family, similar interests, education, sense of adventure, loyalty, stability... The professor then asked, "What one of those values is your top priority?" Without much pause, students responded: sense of humour, intelligence, faith, steady job, good family, similar interests, education, sense of adventure, loyalty, stability... They, like most of modern society, wanted it all. *

We are fortunate to live in an age when any dream can be realized or obtained. What a marvelous thing! We should never take it for granted; we should also never let it cloud our vision. The fact of the matter is, "having it all" only comes after we've obtained important things individually. Very few people win the lottery and see all of their dreams fulfilled in one lump sum. We have to prioritize or instead of achieving all our goals we'll find ourselves many years down the road living with none of them.

 Let's use relationships as an example. Every one of the attributes listed above is noble and desirable. It is natural to judge new acquaintances in accordance with the characteristics we value. The key is not letting the entire list keep us from getting to know a person better. We would remain friendless and alone for eternity. Allowing ourselves to be pulled towards what is good enables us to explore what more could be good. It is here, unfortunately, where we begin to see another sort of problem. Instead of negating all people because they don't match every standard, some people throw common sense out the window and choose instead to naively accept all people. In the end, neither scenario is going to bring us closer to achieving our goals. 

I think every person can benefit from setting down to re-evaluate the areas of life where they've had goals and dreams-work, community involvement, diet, etc. Think back to a time when these ideas were new. What made you smile and feel happy? What ideas did you have about where life was heading? What was most important and have you held onto that as you've moved forward towards achieving your goals? If not, there is still time to pause and reconsider how to redirection your life so that those important attributes surround you. And, then, here's the kicker: What were your dealbreakers? What were the things that you absolutely would not accept? If you ever find yourself questioning why life has turned out so differently than you'd imagined or if there is an aspect of life that continually (or confusedly) makes you unhappy, take a moment to also reconsider these things. 

We are blessed to live in a time where we can achieve every single thing our hearts and minds set out to do. Let us work towards those goals by making sure we stand steadfast on the individual attributes that will make us the person we want to be. (*Thank you to Jacque DeGaston for relating this story)

Thanks for allowing me the liberty to re-post this entry from my first year of writing.  Feeling uninspired in life right now, I'm grateful to the Lord for leading me back to my own enlightened guidance...

It's All in What You Do

Everyone of us has a decision to make upon waking each morning. Our sequence of daily choices works as a conveyor belt moving us ever closer to the idealized person we can see in our dreams. My question today is whether or not people's perceptions of us reflect that person we want to be. Several events over the past few days have led me to take an inward look at my daily interactions with friends and family and re-evaluate the choices I consistently make. More accurately, in my case, to re-evaluate the choices I avoid making by keeping quiet and avoiding confrontation. Sunday afternoon I was excited to attend the final session of the Draper Temple dedication. As I sat with two other people I tried to focus on the beautiful photography being shown and music being played. I wanted to feel the sacredness of the moment and feel the peace that only the temple can bring. However, it wasn't long before I found myself drawn into the conversation going on beside me. We laughed and enjoyed each other's company (which is also appropriate and important in the temple) but the conversation too often focused on the shortcomings of another person we know. Although our thoughts were shared with love and understanding of that person's situation, our hearts too keenly desired to release the frustration we had been feeling. This conversation continued for nearly two hours outside in the car after the dedication had ended. Last night Ben and I watched a news program on ABC called What Would You Do? We were appalled as scenarios were set up and unsuspecting people unquestioningly did whatever it was they were asked to do. We watched a middle-aged lady put drugs in some body's soda and customers ignore a blatant discrimination attack. The most unbelievable sketch, though, was watching person after person steal a baby from a grocery store because a stranger with a badge had asked them for their help. We were appalled and asking, "Who would do that? Who wouldn't think it was strange for a cop to be asking a complete stranger at the last minute to do that?" The final situation that tied these all together came in a phone conversation this morning. I was taken off guard by a comment that was made and quickly took the comfortable road of mumbling evasive agreements like, "Oh," and "Huh." Not really adding to the conversation and the opinion, but not detracting from it either. That's the way I did or would have dealt with all three of these situations. In the first and the third I had every opportunity to speak up and share my feelings that the conversation was not appropriate or that the opinions could be very hurtful, especially being conveyed in such a way. The gravity of my passive behaviour, though, only really came to light as I thought about the show and the kidnapped baby. Of course I would not have any part of a situation like the one portrayed and so I was feeling pretty good about myself for that. Just like avoiding a beggar, I would have diverted my eyes and hurried along my way. Then Ben asked, "Why aren't any of them immediately calling the police to say a weirdo is outside the grocery store trying to steal a baby?" That thought had never crossed my mind (or his until that moment). Assuming the situation were real, I would have been as much at fault for the tragic outcome merely by not doing anything. Is any of this ringing true in anyone else's ears? Maybe not this exact character weakness, but something you know you do that is contradictory to the person you want to be? Thinking about it has already helped me and I feel more at ease with myself because of it. After hanging up this morning, I called two people who really know me and expressed to them the way I was feeling. Then, with their encouraging words, I followed up with a response I could feel good about. One that I hope showed I wasn't taking sides or looking poorly upon that person, but that showed I understood the concerns of both parties involved and hoped it could be addressed without me being in the middle. That's a big step for me and I hope tomorrow I wake up able to build on that step. My hope for every person I know and love is that they are able to find themselves doing the same. What is the thing you can do today that will enable you to wake up tomorrow one step closer to that person you dream to be?

Looking Backwards Forwards

Writing inspiration has been on hold for, oh, let's say the past several months. I know it's in there hibernating, and I'm going to coax it out one of these days, but for now let me look back to my New Year's entry from a year ago... Still being fairly new at motherhood, a few of my resolutions last year focused on much-needed me-time. This blog is proof that I at least got a start on putting my mind back to use and my "Recent Reads" list reached nearly 40 books in 12 months. Using those as launch pad, I also taught myself to sew, experimented with all kinds of cooking, and got in quite a bit of purely indulgent shopping (well, clearance-rack indulgence). For Michelle as an individual, it was a pretty productive year. My proudest accomplishment of 2008 was our family goal of planning and taking a European vacation. What an incredible experience that we still think about everyday! Traveling completes me and it enriches our family immeasurably. I love my family. Sharing with them this passion enriches me. The last of my four desires for 2008 was focused on supporting Ben in his endeavor to find work he loved and get our family settled in wherever that may be. This is the item on my list which I could have done better and am still working on. The excitement of graduation turned into the reality of the working world and the adventure I had my heart set on turned into new opportunities right here in Utah. The struggle to see Ben's job here as what is meant to be isn't always easy for me, but as I was driving back into the Utah Valley a few weeks ago I looked towards the mountain and remembered that this is where my home is. My life is here and my family is here. I need to engage in living here. This brings me to my goals for 2009: 1. Live where you are. Looking for adventure, living off-the-wall, and exploring nooks and crannies are what life to me. There are a million activities and opportunities for Ben, Beck, and I right outside our door and we're going to grab at every one of them! 2. Be in bed by midnight every day. I'm blessed that Beck sleeps pretty consistently until 8:30 in the morning. I should take advantage of that and get the full night of sleep my body needs. Trust me, getting to bed early is not easy (yes, midnight is still early for me). That being said, this goal will have the added benefit of cutting down on hours of completely useless activities. 3. Let people in my life know how much they mean to me. I want to actively share with my family and friends how their talents and gifts are noticed and appreciated. I'm grateful for the time and energy people share with me and want to stop overlooking those special moments. 4. Get my affairs in order. Ben and I have a lofty goal to get out of debt-pay off our credit cards and the car. At the same time, we're actively trying to build our food storage 3-months at a time. More importantly, though, we need to get our official paperwork taken care of-wills, guardianship, and records of our personal information. I recently watched my brother-in-law and his family sort out the red-tape and business drudgery that came along with the unexpected passing of his father and learned how important and helpful it is to be prepared for anything. These are not easy or pleasant things, but I want to make life as easy as possible and be reassured that Ben and Beck will be taken care of if anything ever happens to me. To end this entry and get started with the new year, please let me express my gratitude for the people who read my thoughts and have their own thoughts to share. You encourage me and give me new ideas to ponder throughout my day. I hope that 2009 is everything that you dream it will be!

New Year, Better Me

It's a new year and not a single cliche on my plate. My new year is starting off great. Which is not to say I've foregone making any resolutions at all. I'm just going to give my weight a break and not beat myself up uselessly over the number of hours I spend reading my scriptures. This year my goals are more specific and I feel confident they're obtainable. Now, so that in a few months I can be reminded that I did have goals back at the beginning of the year, here are my 2008 New Year's Resolutions: Watch less tv and read more books

Adjusting to life as a stay-at-home mom has been a bumpy road for me. Fortunately, I seem to have settled in and treasure the afternoons when all I accomplish is rolling around and laughing with my little boy. Surprisingly, it has given me a chance to slow down and re-explore some of my interests from the past. I want to cultivate those interests by feeding them and making my mind work.

Write once a week

In middle school my free time was filled with creative writing. Sometime between then and now I quit using pen and paper to express myself. Although my creativity has been replaced with much more practical and literal thinking, I want to see my thoughts written down again. It's always been a source of growth and learning. I want to see where that takes me.

Have fun planning and taking our family celebration trip in Europe

Of my four resolutions, this will be the easiest. I forced myself to wait for January 1 to start making trip plans. Now it's full steam ahead! My inner desire for this goal is that at the end of it all the three of us will have seen everything we wanted to see and learned more than we could have imagined without bitter feelings or undue stress.

Encourage & support Ben in finding a job that he'll love in a place that we'll love The first half of this year is going to be extremely exciting and extremely scary. We've felt already how easy it is to become complacent, but are determined to find ourselves six months from now challenged and beginning life anew in the place the Lord has prepared for us. I'm shooting towards these goals. Feel free (PLEASE) to ask me now and then how I'm doing. Your advice and support is invaluable, and, please, let me wish you the best of luck in whatever you set forth to do in 2008!

What are your values and top life priorities?

A professor once asked the students of her marriage preparation course, "What are the most important values you are looking for in a spouse?" The lists were long: sense of humour, intelligence, faith, steady job, good family, similar interests, education, sense of adventure, loyalty, stability... The professor then asked, "What one of those values is your top priority?" Without much pause, students responded: sense of humour, intelligence, faith, steady job, good family, similar interests, education, sense of adventure, loyalty, stability... They, like most of modern society, wanted it all. *

We are fortunate to live in an age when any dream can be realized or obtained. What a marvelous thing! We should never take it for granted; we should also never let it cloud our vision. The fact of the matter is, "having it all" only comes after we've obtained important things individually. Very few people win the lottery and see all of their dreams fulfilled in one lump sum. We have to prioritize or instead of achieving all our goals we'll find ourselves many years down the road living with none of them. Let's use relationships as an example. Every one of the attributes listed above is noble and desirable. It is natural to judge new acquaintances in accordance with the characteristics we value. The key is not letting the entire list keep us from getting to know a person better. We would remain friendless and alone for eternity. Allowing ourselves to be pulled towards what is good enables us to explore what more could be good. It is here, unfortunately, where we begin to see another sort of problem. Instead of negating all people because they don't match every standard, some people throw common sense out the window and choose instead to naively accept all people. In the end, neither scenario is going to bring us closer to achieving our goals. I think every person can benefit from setting down to re-evaluate the areas of life where they've had goals and dreams-work, community involvement, diet, etc. Think back to a time when these ideas were new. What made you smile and feel happy? What ideas did you have about where life was heading? What was most important and have you held onto that as you've moved forward towards achieving your goals? If not, there is still time to pause and reconsider how to redirection your life so that those important attributes surround you. And, then, here's the kicker: What were your dealbreakers? What were the things that you absolutely would not accept? If you ever find yourself questioning why life has turned out so differently than you'd imagined or if there is an aspect of life that continually (or confusedly) makes you unhappy, take a moment to also reconsider these things. We are blessed to live in a time where we can achieve every single thing our hearts and minds set out to do. Let us work towards those goals by making sure we stand steadfast on the individual attributes that will make us the person we want to be. (*Thank you to Jacque DeGaston for relating this story)