Two thoughts on my mind today. First, of course Beck isn't eschewing the true meaning of Christmas...I haven't given him any kind of example to follow. Second, I have done a terrible job of keeping my own identity as a woman and not just a wife and mother. I don't feel like writing about the first one, seeing as how it would entail delving into the ugly parts of me and I already do that all too frequently. Instead, a more positive path to lead me back to me.
Sometime in the seven years I've been married, I've completely lost me. I can't say anymore that I have any hobbies. I don't hang out with gal pals. I don't have the patience to be pampered. It's almost guaranteed that if I tell you something I like to do, it's something I do with my whole family. This has been really weighing on me. It's the main reason I'm trying so hard to get back in the habit of writing. That is something I love to do...just for me.
This isn't going to lead right now to me listing projects I want to start or pastimes I used to have. I suppose maybe those will come later. No, today I want to recognize and thank some of the wonderful women around me who have held on to who they are or who have found new parts of themselves during their journey.
Kathy, Brooke, & Kimberly
Three of my beautiful sisters (of course, the other two are fabulous as well!). We were raised to be crafty and our Mom was always looking for creative ways to make a little extra money. Now they have followed in her wake. Kathy was always quite artistic and now is decorating beautiful cakes. Brooke was a single-mom for years and began designing silverware jewelry to take care of her kids. And Kimberly is a new mom now, trying to do the same for her family. A fashion designer at heart, she has created a niche for herself everywhere from Renaissance fairs to baby showers. I'm lucky to have so much creativity in the family.
Annie
I find my inspiration from Annie in a completely different way. Life threw us together as sisters-in-law, and I'm grateful. We probably would have never been found hanging out in the same circles. What Annie brings to her life is a zeal and appreciation for having close friends to share celebrations and hardship. The people she chooses to be around know how much she loves them. And she takes the time to get away and be just with them every now and then. Away from her kids and her husband. Girl time just to be free.
Amanda
An old friend from my Alaska days whom I haven't seen in years, but Amanda is still inspiring me. She's a little off the wall, maybe a little off her rocker. She's kookie and I love her kookie-ness. Amanda loves life! That's how she inspires me. She keeps dreaming and reaching and makes my dreams seem a little less out there.
Darla
I don't know a lot about Darla, I'll admit. She takes my rent each month and I try hard to not give her a reason to evict me. What I do know about Darla, though, is that she uplifts her family. In the trenches right now with serious illness, financial difficulties, and all kinds of unknowns, her faith is strong. No person is immune from doubt or frustration, but her testimony is bright. She hasn't shied away from service, her family obviously loves her, and they're making it through okay. It's completely selfish, but watching her walk through the life she has today uplifts me.
Ladies, thank you. For being you and having flaws and sharing them with me. But also for not being scared or hesitant or resigned to defining yourself as less than you want to be. You're helping me to be a better me.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Friday, December 17, 2010
Tragic Day in Utah History
For photos, video, and more information, visit my family blog here
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Figuring It Out
I was really good at firing people. Don't do the job right and get sent packing. A few people I let go had managed to find my emotional side and they might have seen me a little more generous in the time allowed to get out, but they still had to go. My world is completely black and white. There are rules, expectations, and consequences or rewards for work done or not done. It's as simple as that.
My working years were great because I was the person in control. I was good at what I did and received the feedback satisfactory to go along with it. Since leaving the workplace and starting a family I have been in a constant daily struggle. Today it has finally occurred to me that this is the reason why.
Kids (and husbands, too, I suppose) do not live in a black and white world. They don't receive instructions one time and follow them to the letter. They don't respond well to constructive criticism, if they respond at all. I can't fill my filing cabinet with their performance reviews and letters of recommendation. Nobody is punching a time clock with the outlook of freedom at the end of an eight hour day. And I can't print a paycheck for last days work and send them on their way.
My kids are here to stay and it's my job now to fit into their colorful world. I need to let them encourage me. Rather then looking for an opportunity to get rid of me, they greet me each morning with a giggle and a smile. In their world there's no such thing as "hurry." Instead of typing memos and conducting meetings, they beg me to plop down and play...all day...that's it mom...let's just play...
Hopefully I'll figure it out before they can me.
My working years were great because I was the person in control. I was good at what I did and received the feedback satisfactory to go along with it. Since leaving the workplace and starting a family I have been in a constant daily struggle. Today it has finally occurred to me that this is the reason why.
Kids (and husbands, too, I suppose) do not live in a black and white world. They don't receive instructions one time and follow them to the letter. They don't respond well to constructive criticism, if they respond at all. I can't fill my filing cabinet with their performance reviews and letters of recommendation. Nobody is punching a time clock with the outlook of freedom at the end of an eight hour day. And I can't print a paycheck for last days work and send them on their way.
My kids are here to stay and it's my job now to fit into their colorful world. I need to let them encourage me. Rather then looking for an opportunity to get rid of me, they greet me each morning with a giggle and a smile. In their world there's no such thing as "hurry." Instead of typing memos and conducting meetings, they beg me to plop down and play...all day...that's it mom...let's just play...
Hopefully I'll figure it out before they can me.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
This Season is Not For Me
My husband and I have an agreement. When the outdoor thermometer reaches 50, I'll bundle myself up and come out to play (curse Mother Nature for interrupting my hibernation with a balmy Utah December). Winter is not my season. Let me share with you a representation of the wintertime experiences that have chiseled me.
Iowa
Anyone who has grown up in the Midwest will emphatically tell you that cold is cold. Ice and wet, heavy snow combine with wind to cut through to the bone. Blizzards trap you inside with the thrill of surviving without electricity. The moonlight sparkling on deep ice-crusted snow brings peace and creates moments to peacefully ponder an unbroken world. Until you have to go out in it.
As a teenager I found myself in with an afternoon paper route that I hated. In summer it was a 2-hour bother. In winter it was absolute sensory torture. Trudging through unshoveled sidewalks and drives, I came home soaking wet to painfully thaw out my limbs and digits. Only one time did I attempt to speed the process along on wheels. At first the quickness and the dryness seemed a luxury. What I'd never experienced on foot, though, were the unplowed icy roads. Barely half an hour into my daily routine I watched my front bicycle tire slip to the left as the back tire slid to the right. I, with my 25 newspapers, landed flat in the middle of the two. Now wet from head to toe, I picked up my soggy papers, wiped away the tears burning themselves onto my frozen face, and finished the last 90 minutes of my route.
Fast forward 10 years to a better paying job and a better mode of transportation. We lived on an unmaintained gravel road. Driving home from my minimum wage job at nearly midnight, I crept along the icy highway to the gravel home stretch. Confident I'd made it home, I tried to drive through one last drift. A mile from home, stuck in the middle of the road, there was no hope of breaking free. My options were to sit there crying and cursing, or get out and run home...I ran home... in high heel boots with no coat, gloves, or hat. I ran in the back door, through the kitchen, past my family playing cards, and straight to the blazing fireplace. I almost jumped into that fire. My chest and cheeks were burning. Dad went to dig out my car and an hour later I could finally feel my nose.
Alaska
With a knowledge of how much I hate winter, I should have moved south when I flew my parent's nest. Instead, I headed north to Fairbanks, Alaska. The northern lights are magical crackling across the dark night (and dark day) sky, but there's a penalty for that reward. Every car has snow studs, an oilpan heater, and battery plug-in, and every driver has a second set of keys. Locked up cars run in the parking lot for hours while their drivers finish their shopping or enjoy a date night movie.
Fairbanks is the place I came to know what -56 degrees feels like. An innocent evening of dancing turned into something entirely different when our ride decided to leave without telling me. He did tell my roommate, but well into her New Year's Eve drinking, she decided not to remember that until the bar doors were locking behind us. Dressed only in a short black skirt and sheer tanktop, I cursed every single life event that had brought me to that place at that time. Literally freezing to death, we waited huddled together (me gagging with every whiff of my roommate's alcohol breath) for her mom to arrive, chastise us, and deliver us back home.
Utah
Still I didn't feel the kick in the pants telling me to fly for warmer climates. Rather, I landed here in Utah; home of "the greatest snow on Earth." Now, Utah winters are mild and endurable compared to what else I've lived through. The problem is that people who choose to live here do so because there are activities to be doing outdoors all year long. While my husband and I were dating, he tried to initiate me to his favorite winter activity: skiing.
Worst experience ever. Both the skiing and allowing my boyfriend be my teacher. Only making it up the first lift at Sundance, it took me 4 hours to get back down. I did not have a clue what I was doing. Every time I was supposed to turn I landed flat on my back (or my front, or my side, or his back, or his side). I don't know what was more wounded at the end of the day, my body or my pride. After miraculously getting down the slope one time unbroken, I sent Ben back to the top to get in what he could the rest of the day. It turned out to only be one more run. We both still feel the pain of that day.
It's been some more years and Utah is still where we stay. Beck is now 3 and begging us to get on his own pair of skis. It turns out I woke up one day and found out I was raising mountain babies. So what do I do? I watch the snowmen taking shape from the warmth of my living room. I bundle up and run from the car to the indoor play yards. I fantasize a day when snowshoeing or cross-country skiing can happen in the heat of July, and I harbor a deep little secret. I want to tackle the challenge of skiing. It's cold and the ground is hard, but I want to say I can do it. Especially if my entire family is soon going to be out there breezing down the hillside.
Iowa
Anyone who has grown up in the Midwest will emphatically tell you that cold is cold. Ice and wet, heavy snow combine with wind to cut through to the bone. Blizzards trap you inside with the thrill of surviving without electricity. The moonlight sparkling on deep ice-crusted snow brings peace and creates moments to peacefully ponder an unbroken world. Until you have to go out in it.
As a teenager I found myself in with an afternoon paper route that I hated. In summer it was a 2-hour bother. In winter it was absolute sensory torture. Trudging through unshoveled sidewalks and drives, I came home soaking wet to painfully thaw out my limbs and digits. Only one time did I attempt to speed the process along on wheels. At first the quickness and the dryness seemed a luxury. What I'd never experienced on foot, though, were the unplowed icy roads. Barely half an hour into my daily routine I watched my front bicycle tire slip to the left as the back tire slid to the right. I, with my 25 newspapers, landed flat in the middle of the two. Now wet from head to toe, I picked up my soggy papers, wiped away the tears burning themselves onto my frozen face, and finished the last 90 minutes of my route.
Fast forward 10 years to a better paying job and a better mode of transportation. We lived on an unmaintained gravel road. Driving home from my minimum wage job at nearly midnight, I crept along the icy highway to the gravel home stretch. Confident I'd made it home, I tried to drive through one last drift. A mile from home, stuck in the middle of the road, there was no hope of breaking free. My options were to sit there crying and cursing, or get out and run home...I ran home... in high heel boots with no coat, gloves, or hat. I ran in the back door, through the kitchen, past my family playing cards, and straight to the blazing fireplace. I almost jumped into that fire. My chest and cheeks were burning. Dad went to dig out my car and an hour later I could finally feel my nose.
Alaska
With a knowledge of how much I hate winter, I should have moved south when I flew my parent's nest. Instead, I headed north to Fairbanks, Alaska. The northern lights are magical crackling across the dark night (and dark day) sky, but there's a penalty for that reward. Every car has snow studs, an oilpan heater, and battery plug-in, and every driver has a second set of keys. Locked up cars run in the parking lot for hours while their drivers finish their shopping or enjoy a date night movie.
Fairbanks is the place I came to know what -56 degrees feels like. An innocent evening of dancing turned into something entirely different when our ride decided to leave without telling me. He did tell my roommate, but well into her New Year's Eve drinking, she decided not to remember that until the bar doors were locking behind us. Dressed only in a short black skirt and sheer tanktop, I cursed every single life event that had brought me to that place at that time. Literally freezing to death, we waited huddled together (me gagging with every whiff of my roommate's alcohol breath) for her mom to arrive, chastise us, and deliver us back home.
Utah
Still I didn't feel the kick in the pants telling me to fly for warmer climates. Rather, I landed here in Utah; home of "the greatest snow on Earth." Now, Utah winters are mild and endurable compared to what else I've lived through. The problem is that people who choose to live here do so because there are activities to be doing outdoors all year long. While my husband and I were dating, he tried to initiate me to his favorite winter activity: skiing.
Worst experience ever. Both the skiing and allowing my boyfriend be my teacher. Only making it up the first lift at Sundance, it took me 4 hours to get back down. I did not have a clue what I was doing. Every time I was supposed to turn I landed flat on my back (or my front, or my side, or his back, or his side). I don't know what was more wounded at the end of the day, my body or my pride. After miraculously getting down the slope one time unbroken, I sent Ben back to the top to get in what he could the rest of the day. It turned out to only be one more run. We both still feel the pain of that day.
It's been some more years and Utah is still where we stay. Beck is now 3 and begging us to get on his own pair of skis. It turns out I woke up one day and found out I was raising mountain babies. So what do I do? I watch the snowmen taking shape from the warmth of my living room. I bundle up and run from the car to the indoor play yards. I fantasize a day when snowshoeing or cross-country skiing can happen in the heat of July, and I harbor a deep little secret. I want to tackle the challenge of skiing. It's cold and the ground is hard, but I want to say I can do it. Especially if my entire family is soon going to be out there breezing down the hillside.
Friday, December 10, 2010
The Way Life Turns Out To Be
A professor once asked the students of her marriage preparation course, "What are the most important values you are looking for in a spouse?" The lists were long: sense of humour, intelligence, faith, steady job, good family, similar interests, education, sense of adventure, loyalty, stability... The professor then asked, "What one of those values is your top priority?" Without much pause, students responded: sense of humour, intelligence, faith, steady job, good family, similar interests, education, sense of adventure, loyalty, stability... They, like most of modern society, wanted it all. *
We are fortunate to live in an age when any dream can be realized or obtained. What a marvelous thing! We should never take it for granted; we should also never let it cloud our vision. The fact of the matter is, "having it all" only comes after we've obtained important things individually. Very few people win the lottery and see all of their dreams fulfilled in one lump sum. We have to prioritize or instead of achieving all our goals we'll find ourselves many years down the road living with none of them.
Let's use relationships as an example. Every one of the attributes listed above is noble and desirable. It is natural to judge new acquaintances in accordance with the characteristics we value. The key is not letting the entire list keep us from getting to know a person better. We would remain friendless and alone for eternity. Allowing ourselves to be pulled towards what is good enables us to explore what more could be good. It is here, unfortunately, where we begin to see another sort of problem. Instead of negating all people because they don't match every standard, some people throw common sense out the window and choose instead to naively accept all people. In the end, neither scenario is going to bring us closer to achieving our goals.
I think every person can benefit from setting down to re-evaluate the areas of life where they've had goals and dreams-work, community involvement, diet, etc. Think back to a time when these ideas were new. What made you smile and feel happy? What ideas did you have about where life was heading? What was most important and have you held onto that as you've moved forward towards achieving your goals? If not, there is still time to pause and reconsider how to redirection your life so that those important attributes surround you. And, then, here's the kicker: What were your dealbreakers? What were the things that you absolutely would not accept? If you ever find yourself questioning why life has turned out so differently than you'd imagined or if there is an aspect of life that continually (or confusedly) makes you unhappy, take a moment to also reconsider these things.
We are blessed to live in a time where we can achieve every single thing our hearts and minds set out to do. Let us work towards those goals by making sure we stand steadfast on the individual attributes that will make us the person we want to be. (*Thank you to Jacque DeGaston for relating this story)
Thanks for allowing me the liberty to re-post this entry from my first year of writing. Feeling uninspired in life right now, I'm grateful to the Lord for leading me back to my own enlightened guidance...
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