In My Heart On Thursday

"If we all managed three weeks of feeling light, and easy and unconcerned, we could build up our depleted energy for the renewal of the battle.  And if the battle need never be renewed we will not have wasted this time by being happy."
                                                                                                      -A Stone Boat, Andrew Solomon

In My Heart On Thursday

“…do not forget to pray.  Each time you pray, if you do so sincerely, there will be the flash of a new feeling in it, and a new thought as well, one you did not know before, which will give you fresh courage; and you will understand that prayer is education.  Remember also: every day and whenever you can, repeat within yourself: ‘Lord, have mercy upon all who come before you today.’  For every hour and every moment thousands of people leave their life on this earth, and their souls come before the Lord—and so many of them part with the earth in isolation, unknown to anyone, in sadness and sorrow that no one will mourn for them, or even know whether they had lived or not.  And so, perhaps from the other end of the earth, your prayer for his repose will rise up to the Lord, though you did not know him at all, nor he you.  How moving it is for this soul, coming in fear before the Lord, to feel at that moment that someone is praying for him, too, that there is still a human being on earth who loves him.  And God, too, will look upon you both with more mercy, for if even you so pitied him, how much more will he who is infinitely more merciful and loving than you are.  And he will forgive him for your sake.”

                                                                                       -The Brothers Karamazov, Fyodor Dostoevsky

Women In Deed

Two thoughts on my mind today.  First, of course Beck isn't eschewing the true meaning of Christmas...I haven't given him any kind of example to follow.  Second, I have done a terrible job of keeping my own identity as a woman and not just a wife and mother.  I don't feel like writing about the first one, seeing as how it would entail delving into the ugly parts of me and I already do that all too frequently.  Instead, a more positive path to lead me  back to me.

Sometime in the seven years I've been married, I've completely lost me.  I can't say anymore that I have any hobbies.  I don't hang out with gal pals.  I don't have the patience to be pampered.  It's almost guaranteed that if I tell you something I like to do, it's something I do with my whole family.  This has been really weighing on me.  It's the main reason I'm trying so hard to get back in the habit of writing.  That is something I love to do...just for me.

This isn't going to lead right now to me listing projects I want to start or pastimes I used to have.  I suppose maybe those will come later.  No, today I want to recognize and thank some of the wonderful women around me who have held on to who they are or who have found new parts of themselves during their journey.

Kathy, Brooke, & Kimberly
Three of my beautiful sisters (of course, the other two are fabulous as well!).  We were raised to be crafty and our Mom was always looking for creative ways to make a little extra money.  Now they have followed in her wake.  Kathy was always quite artistic and now is decorating beautiful cakes.  Brooke was a single-mom for years and began designing silverware jewelry to take care of her kids.  And Kimberly is a new mom now, trying to do the same for her family.  A fashion designer at heart, she has created a niche for herself everywhere from Renaissance fairs to baby showers.  I'm lucky to have so much creativity in the family.


Annie
I find my inspiration from Annie in a completely different way.  Life threw us together as sisters-in-law, and I'm grateful.  We probably would have never been found hanging out in the same circles.  What Annie brings to her life is a zeal and appreciation for having close friends to share celebrations and hardship.  The people she chooses to be around know how much she loves them.  And she takes the time to get away and be just with them every now and then.  Away from her kids and her husband.  Girl time just to be free.

Amanda
An old friend from my Alaska days whom I haven't seen in years, but Amanda is still inspiring me.  She's a little off the wall, maybe a little off her rocker.  She's kookie and I love her kookie-ness.  Amanda loves life!  That's how she inspires me.  She keeps dreaming and reaching and makes my dreams seem a little less out there.  


Darla
I don't know a lot about Darla, I'll admit.  She takes my rent each month and I try hard to not give her a reason to evict me.  What I do know about Darla, though, is that she uplifts her family.  In the trenches right now with serious illness, financial difficulties, and all kinds of unknowns, her faith is strong.  No person is immune from doubt or frustration, but her testimony is bright.  She hasn't shied away from service, her family obviously loves her, and they're making it through okay.  It's completely selfish, but watching her walk through the life she has today uplifts me.

Ladies, thank you.  For being you and having flaws and sharing them with me.  But also for not being scared or hesitant or resigned to defining yourself as less than you want to be.  You're helping me to be a better me.

Tragic Day in Utah History

 

Built in 1883, the Provo Tabernacle caught fire this morning shortly before 3AM.  Our kids are sick and no one in our house was sleeping so we decided to drive down and witness this horrible historical event.  The roof collapsed near 6AM and it's expected the building will be a total loss. 


For photos, video, and more information, visit my family blog here

Figuring It Out

I was really good at firing people.  Don't do the job right and get sent packing.  A few people I let go had managed to find my emotional side and they might have seen me a little more generous in the time allowed to get out, but they still had to go.  My world is completely black and white.  There are rules, expectations, and consequences or rewards for work done or not done.  It's as simple as that.

My working years were great because I was the person in control.  I was good at what I did and received the feedback satisfactory to go along with it.  Since leaving the workplace and starting a family I have been in a constant daily struggle.  Today it has finally occurred to me that this is the reason why.

Kids (and husbands, too, I suppose) do not live in a black and white world.  They don't receive instructions one time and follow them to the letter.  They don't respond well to constructive criticism, if they respond at all.  I can't fill my filing cabinet with their performance reviews and letters of recommendation.  Nobody is punching a time clock with the outlook of freedom at the end of an eight hour day. And I can't print a paycheck for last days work and send them on their way.

My kids are here to stay and it's my job now to fit into their colorful world.  I need to let them encourage me. Rather then looking for an opportunity to get rid of me, they greet me each morning with a giggle and a smile.  In their world there's no such thing as "hurry."  Instead of typing memos and conducting meetings, they beg me to plop down and play...all day...that's it mom...let's just play...

Hopefully I'll figure it out before they can me.