Times Two

"Why did they send you in here today?"

"Just my normal 20-week ultrasound."

"Have you been measuring larger?"

Instant thought to myself: "Great, I'm a month farther along."

Actual response to the questions: "Nope."

LONG pause and then LONG grin...

"Um, there are two babies in there..........................................."

Yep, twins.  Coming out of my body and into our family in September.  Two more boys to add to my all-boy family.  Guess it's a good thing I had my travel mental breakdown 6 weeks ago...

In My Heart on Thursday (Worth)

"Do you think yourself a string too short to save? 

 Do you think that you are lank and straight, a linear bit with no connection fore or aft? 

 Fear not your insignificance.  Nature has a drawer for you. 

 Yes, nature garners all the string too short to save, and mice visit that drawer. 

 Here's nesting material!  

Yes, you will be interwoven, be it now or later."

-Sena Jeter Naslund, Ahab's Wife

Am I Traveling, Am I Not (A Follow-Up)

I have been on an emotional roller coaster since my post last week and woke up this morning thinking I should share with you where I'm heading.  Thank you for the amazing advice and concern and encouragement I received from several of you!  That's absolutely the best part about writing and putting myself out there.

The big picture answer from my little breakdown is that I am definitely dealing with a life issue.  The struggle between dreams and reality isn't solved overnight and doesn't have a 1-2-3-step process to resolution.  What does that mean?  I'm not going to simply wake up one day having dropped the need to travel and explore and be free from routine.  I can wake up each day recognizing that not every year is going to be a big travel year.  This year, for starters, is not going to find me cavorting overseas and now that I've thought about that clearly, I've accepted it completely.

Even in my muddling last week, I never once considered that I was now trapped in my house, in my yard, in my little community.  Utah provides an incredible opportunity for so many different types of exploring in a very short distance and with summer coming my mind is already packed full of weekend excursions and activities.  That will never change in me, and is just as valid an opportunity to teach my kids about environments different than their own as any other place I could take them in the world.

There is a truth to work through and accept that my freedom to wander the world freely has dwindled and changed.  Yet, right now as I watch my kids squeal while blowing soap bubbles in their breakfast cups it doesn't seem daunting or life-sucking.  My passport application is in the mail and I can keep dreaming.  I never again want logistical details to be what keeps me from dreaming.  But for today I think I'll tackle the housecleaning and the parenting and be excited when my husband gets home.  I'm going to enjoy my family right here where life finds me.

(As part of my "therapy" I promise this summer I'll share some of my adventures with you,

 including my upcoming trip to flea markets of the Heartland,

 and playing tourist with my sister in Southern Utah's national park playland)

The Journey That My Heart Is On

My husband is in Seattle this week.  My boys and I were going to meet him there for the Easter weekend and go exploring on the Olympic Peninsula, but the the weather forecast was for low 50's and rainy.  We're not going.  We were going to go to the Redwoods for my 2-year-old's birthday, but we didn't.  I wanted to drive to San Diego, leave my kids with family, and go on a cruise this summer before the baby comes.  Completely off the table.  And the year-long adventure I've been dreaming about?  Most definitely not going to happen.

In full disclaimer, my kids and I are going back to the Sparks Flea Market next month to hang out with my family.  I used all my frequent flyer miles and all our free hotel nights to get us there.  They were going to waste and it's not looking like I will be using them for anything else anytime soon...I don't travel anymore.

Would you mind being the bounce board for my therapy?  

First, I never have renewed my passport.  The money always kept going elsewhere.  The cruise I mentioned earlier would require a passport and applying now would probably not see that beautiful blue book back in my hands until I'm too pregnant to be sailing.  One weekend I had an idea to fly to Canada and go camping in Banff National Park this summer, or to drive to Alaska to visit friends, but those are things I also can't do without a passport. Please don't offer the advice that I could expedite my renewal.  I know.  That adds to the cost which has been inhibiting me all these months and appears to be staunchly implanted in my brain as an excuse not to go get my new photo taken tomorrow.

Second, life happens when you don't realize you're looking right at it.  For 15 years I've had a personal philosophy that people don't need to settle down until they have children that start school.  And with today's technology, that's not even a resolute reason to change your wandering lifestyle if your family is still out there  having fun.  Five years ago when I had my first baby my ideals didn't change, but since then the trips have become routinely shorter and closer to home.  I HATE when people tell me having kids changes things.  I don't think it's an excuse to quit doing things.  How could I have let that happen to me?  

Now I have my soon-to-be kindergartner registered in an online curriculum  that would enable us to keep taking off on far-away adventures.  So what happens?  Life, again.  All the money we'd saved and sacrifices we've made to pack up and leave town weren't for nothing.  They've just turned out to not be for what we'd thought they would be.  Medical bills for new babies and broken arms and who knows what else is to come turn out to cost just about the same amount of money as backpacking around the world for 9 months in bliss.

As for the third and final reckoning in my brain?  My husband has decided he likes living a comfortable suburban life with a safely predictable job, all of his hobbies, and extra-curricular responsibilities.  He has contentedly settled down.  He won't tell me that matter-of-fact, but it's time for me to accept and start dealing with it.  How do I know that's where he's at in his life right now?  He's quit getting excited when I call out of the blue with a hair-brained plan for where we should take off to on the weekend.  I used to jump in the car and show-up unexpectedly wherever he was working out of town, but now he as much as tells me it'd be more responsible if I stayed home and saved the money.  He's in his fourth year of a job that was always supposed to be the hold-over until a great new adventure came along, but now he talks about a year from now when he'll be working more in the office and less on the road.  The final blow?  The year-long traveling life change I believed in wholeheartedly never evolved further than a passing whimsy to be discarded quickly in my husband's mind.  

Having now had my equivalent hour on the couch, how do I evolve from here?

I have no idea.  Always in my mind are the thoughts that I'm being tested and need to learn to be happy in the moment with the circumstances surrounding me.  That it is noble and normal to live in one house & one town with predictable days forever.  I feel guilty that my vision of motherhood, marriage partnership, and family life is so different from everyone else.  I struggle with wondering why I have to be the one that pretends to be something different than what is deeply rooted inside me.  I dread hearing people tell me not to give up on my dream or lose the wandering part of my soul when I don't see how there is any other option for me.  I don't want to be one of those, "When the children are older," or "We'll do that when we retire" type of people, but that is exactly what is happening. 

That is what is happening to me.  Part of me is being buried and the tightening I feel in my chest when I admit it so I can let it go confirms that I've barely embarked on the most challenging journey yet that my heart has been asked to travel.

Jumping On Pre-Bandwagon

I'm going on record today to declare I'm voting Ann Romney for next First Lady!  I don't know how that's going to work since I'm not yet enamoured with her husband, who would obviously have to be elected in order for my vote to make a difference, but every time I hear her speak my heart is stirred and I find myself longing for genuine compassion and transparent values in the White House.

I do not necessarily have a bone to pick with Michelle Obama.  I believe she's a great mom and she has championed worthy causes during her time of influence, but she does not inspire me.  I won't go into the reasons why-I'm not sure I've investigated them all within myself.  What I am aware of is an emotional yearning to be encouraged and led by someone like me.

Now, Ann Romney and I obviously are not the same people in innumerable ways.  Our upbringing and backgrounds are caverns apart.  Our husbands have chosen vastly different career paths.  Her health struggles are immensely more challenging than anything I've thus far been asked to bear.  Acknowledging all that, I listened to this interview several months ago and was brought to tears realizing that in so many ways she is just like me.

 
This clip is long, but I hope you'll listen.  
Again, not for Mitt Romney's words, but for hers. 

Here I will admit that my thoughts do have an LDS connection, but I am NOT telling you I like Ann Romneybecause she's a Mormon.  Prior to listening to this interview, I had never considered or believed that members of the LDS church talk differently than other people.  Yet, I listened to her speak about her family, her love and her fears for them, and I believed she could be any lady I've ever sat next to in a church Relief Society Meeting.  She wasn't speaking tenets of doctrine.  She was speaking from what is truly in her heart.  She holds her family together-leads them and guides them-through her faith and conviction.  I know she would do that as well for our country.

Also a little while ago, I happened to be clicking through the channels and landed on this diatribe by Neil Cavuto.  

While not entirely his typical snarky wit and humor, the sentiments once again moved me to tears and left me begging for the stars to align and put this remarkable woman on the national stage where she can work to motivate the American people in the same way she inspires me.

If the political talking heads are ever right about anything, we are about to be enveloped by video of Ann Romney stumping for her husband on the campaign trail.  The next time you see her introducing her husband or hear someone criticizing Mitt's likability, I hope you'll take a deeper look into Ann's genuine intentions and think what it would be like to have that kind of woman standing beside the President of our United States.