My Reflection

My grandfather passed away 10 or 12 years ago after a long period of heart ailments. I was a teenager then-at an age where I wasn't included in the adult conversation but still indirectly aware of all that was going on. Intimate communication has not been abundant within my family and the difficulty my father had with that momentous occasion in his life caused the lack of conversation to be all the more apparent. I remember Grandpa Aalbers being a source of humor and joy in my life. He was a hard worker and a joker. My memories begin well after he had sold his farm, but he and my grandma still had sheep and chickens and row upon row of home-grown vegetables. I can remember feeding the baby sheep out of a glass bottle with a black rubber nipple and watching the sheep run up the shoot to be loaded on the truck and taken to auction. I also can remember the stench of the chicken coop, dozens of cats swarming over my feet to reach their food, and picking strawberries in the field across the street. My most frequent memories of my grandfather, though, are of him teasing my sisters by calling them the wrong name and laughing as he sat in his recliner. He always had pink bubble gum in a cardboard cigar box in the sun room and it was a special treat when he took it off the shelf and opened up the lid. We used to crawl in the sprawling vinyl backseat of his car and he and Grandma would take us for soft-serve ice cream. He didn't go to church, but he always drove Grandma there and often came to visit us while he waited-always bringing with him a selection of the week's freshest garden crop. It is common to hear someone remark, "he was a humble man," after the passing of a loved one. I do not know if my grandfather was humble. When he died I wasn't yet to an age when humility meant anything to me. I don't know if he was an intelligent man or a wise man. I just know that he was my grandpa. Tonight as I ponder the loss of the beloved President Gordon B. Hinckley, prophet and president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I ask myself why the "old men" that lead our church are able to inspire me. I have heard criticism from people outside of the church that the high leadership is too old and too male to understand and guide people as we move into this new century. Only now as I'm typing away on my keyboard am I beginning to understand why they mean so much to me. The elders and apostles of the Mormon church are each in their own right educated and accomplished individuals. They've come to their position as church leaders from all facets of business and industry-medicine, law, agriculture, aviation, education...the list is long (the same can be said for the many women in church leadership roles). They are smart men with a desire to share their knowledge. They are humble men who show no hesitation in displaying their flaws and what they were brought to learn from those flaws. Each season at our church General Conference we are counseled of the dangers of our day and admonished to do what is necessary to find ourselves outside of the destruction. Our leaders are disciplinarians, even when it is not in their nature to be so. Also, they wear their faith on their sleeves. I have heard it recounted time and time again that to meet these great leaders in person is to feel the Lord's countenance shining. They are mortal men aspiring to live the teachings of the gospel of Jesus Christ, and they are succeeding. I am in a different place in my life as I enter my thirties than I was at the passing of my grandfather in my mid-teens. My grandpa was a good man and had a hand in shaping my childhood. I now look towards these wise and reverent men for hope and guidance in the ways which I should go. I'm just now beginning to realize these men remind me of my grandfather; they are hardworking and personable and often show a great sense of humor. My ability to be inspired and affected through their words and actions comes from a feeling that, like a loving grandfather, they want the best for me and are willing to share all the attributes I've listed to make the path my path easier.

Be As Little Children

At the end of what has seemed to be an unending week full of twists and turns, I feel impressed to write about a simple thing that I've noticed in my son Beck. At eight months old he has the faculties to be in control of his life. What's greater is that he uses them. What am I talking about? Of course, he will for a long long time depend on his parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and numerous other adults to help him through life. But each day as I watch him I am amazed at what he has already learned. Beyond amazement, I marvel at how so many of the natural controls a baby exercises in his life each day are in large part forgotten by the age of adulthood. To give an example, let me describe mealtime. Beck certainly has not learned manners yet. He sets with his mouth hinged wide open and his arms flailing waiting for the coming spoonful of food to be shoveled in his mouth, and if it does not get there quick enough he surely lets me know. As his belly begins to get full, however, the open cavern gets smaller and smaller until he's content enough to get distracted with what's going on around him and his mouth just quits opening. His body tells him when it has had enough and he listens and obeys. (The trick is for me to also be paying attention and stop when he shows me he is full.) How simple it is for him to eat and stop eating according to his body's natural ability to regulate itself! It's not to say I can't get another bite into him-I can. But, in addition to looking out for his nutritional well-being, my role is to help him recognize moderation and restraint. I can do that by listening when he tells me he is full. So, why can't I do that with my own belly? I'm positive my parents were not shoving unwanted food down my throat all through my childhood (french-cut green beans and Spanish rice, aside). It hardly seems useful to try and pinpoint a moment in life where I decided I would start eating to the point of overindulgence. Why do any us of need to do that? Isn't it interesting, though, that so many of us do push past that point that our bellies tell us not to? I know, of course, that a large problem now is that we're eating faster and before our stomachs can say, "Enough," we're out the door and onto the day's next event. But, even in those cherished long and leisurely social gatherings when the body has ample time to give us warnings, we tell it, "Shhh," and keep on eating. The focus in my mind is not to specifically pick out eating and overeating. It is to realize that as babies grow into children and children into adults there are simple and natural behaviors that are often left to fade away. Only eating until we're full, getting sleep and rest when we become tired, squirming around kicking our legs and batting our arms because we have energy and know we need to use it-I think these are some of the child-like attributes we are often counseled to express.

New Year, Better Me

It's a new year and not a single cliche on my plate. My new year is starting off great. Which is not to say I've foregone making any resolutions at all. I'm just going to give my weight a break and not beat myself up uselessly over the number of hours I spend reading my scriptures. This year my goals are more specific and I feel confident they're obtainable. Now, so that in a few months I can be reminded that I did have goals back at the beginning of the year, here are my 2008 New Year's Resolutions: Watch less tv and read more books

Adjusting to life as a stay-at-home mom has been a bumpy road for me. Fortunately, I seem to have settled in and treasure the afternoons when all I accomplish is rolling around and laughing with my little boy. Surprisingly, it has given me a chance to slow down and re-explore some of my interests from the past. I want to cultivate those interests by feeding them and making my mind work.

Write once a week

In middle school my free time was filled with creative writing. Sometime between then and now I quit using pen and paper to express myself. Although my creativity has been replaced with much more practical and literal thinking, I want to see my thoughts written down again. It's always been a source of growth and learning. I want to see where that takes me.

Have fun planning and taking our family celebration trip in Europe

Of my four resolutions, this will be the easiest. I forced myself to wait for January 1 to start making trip plans. Now it's full steam ahead! My inner desire for this goal is that at the end of it all the three of us will have seen everything we wanted to see and learned more than we could have imagined without bitter feelings or undue stress.

Encourage & support Ben in finding a job that he'll love in a place that we'll love The first half of this year is going to be extremely exciting and extremely scary. We've felt already how easy it is to become complacent, but are determined to find ourselves six months from now challenged and beginning life anew in the place the Lord has prepared for us. I'm shooting towards these goals. Feel free (PLEASE) to ask me now and then how I'm doing. Your advice and support is invaluable, and, please, let me wish you the best of luck in whatever you set forth to do in 2008!

What are your values and top life priorities?

A professor once asked the students of her marriage preparation course, "What are the most important values you are looking for in a spouse?" The lists were long: sense of humour, intelligence, faith, steady job, good family, similar interests, education, sense of adventure, loyalty, stability... The professor then asked, "What one of those values is your top priority?" Without much pause, students responded: sense of humour, intelligence, faith, steady job, good family, similar interests, education, sense of adventure, loyalty, stability... They, like most of modern society, wanted it all. *

We are fortunate to live in an age when any dream can be realized or obtained. What a marvelous thing! We should never take it for granted; we should also never let it cloud our vision. The fact of the matter is, "having it all" only comes after we've obtained important things individually. Very few people win the lottery and see all of their dreams fulfilled in one lump sum. We have to prioritize or instead of achieving all our goals we'll find ourselves many years down the road living with none of them. Let's use relationships as an example. Every one of the attributes listed above is noble and desirable. It is natural to judge new acquaintances in accordance with the characteristics we value. The key is not letting the entire list keep us from getting to know a person better. We would remain friendless and alone for eternity. Allowing ourselves to be pulled towards what is good enables us to explore what more could be good. It is here, unfortunately, where we begin to see another sort of problem. Instead of negating all people because they don't match every standard, some people throw common sense out the window and choose instead to naively accept all people. In the end, neither scenario is going to bring us closer to achieving our goals. I think every person can benefit from setting down to re-evaluate the areas of life where they've had goals and dreams-work, community involvement, diet, etc. Think back to a time when these ideas were new. What made you smile and feel happy? What ideas did you have about where life was heading? What was most important and have you held onto that as you've moved forward towards achieving your goals? If not, there is still time to pause and reconsider how to redirection your life so that those important attributes surround you. And, then, here's the kicker: What were your dealbreakers? What were the things that you absolutely would not accept? If you ever find yourself questioning why life has turned out so differently than you'd imagined or if there is an aspect of life that continually (or confusedly) makes you unhappy, take a moment to also reconsider these things. We are blessed to live in a time where we can achieve every single thing our hearts and minds set out to do. Let us work towards those goals by making sure we stand steadfast on the individual attributes that will make us the person we want to be. (*Thank you to Jacque DeGaston for relating this story)

Am I Smarter Than 5th Grade Me?

I recently let my husband in on one of my most embarassing school secrets...I used to ask my elementary teachers for the extra copies of our handouts so I could take them home and play school in my bedroom. By the end of my grade school days I had amassed a carefully organized, waist-high pile of purple mimeographed math timetables, social studies worksheets, science and reading assignments. I loved school. Well, the learning part of it. I could fill volumes on why the social aspect of public education was not for me, but it was exciting to sit at my desk with my #2 pencil and make something better of myself. I'm pretty sure I wasn't espousing that exact thought as I sat next to the boy on my right incessantly eating carrot sticks or the girl on my left sticking straightpins through her skin, but school was always a great intellectual outlet for me. 5th grade was particularly enthralling. I wrote my first report, on the state of Washington, and was proud that it was the longest report in the class. I looked forward to Fridays when we read Weekly Reader (I learned that one day telephones would have video cameras in them) and I would get all the questions right. Most memorable activity, though, are the scores of books I read and reports I wrote. There were always books in our home. We'd get boxes of them for a quarter at garage sales and carefully stack them on the bookshelf in our upstairs hallway. I organized them alphabetically for a CampFire project and they numbered nearly 200. It was from these that my library of book reports evolved. In fifth grade we had a tri-fold book report form that asked for generic information (title, author, genre) on either outside fold. The inner fold was where I found the gold-a completely blank white space waiting for my humble review. I would write until that page was full and then flip the whole form over and continue writing until not an inch of that paper was bare. I'd fold it up, take it to the teacher, and hurriedly begin the process over again. I don't know how many book reports I turned in during my fifth grade year. I do know I kept them all and will one day find them neatly filed in a folder waiting to be rediscovered. I never lost that unbridled love for learning. For this I am grateful. I've recently found myself once again feverishly looking for great reads. With a new baby and my role in life being redefined, I've found my ability to appreciate a good story invaluable-a rope out into the world I once knew. That's why I've included a list of recently read books on my blog. Take a look at the titles. Some of them were so enrapturing I couldn't put them down; others I unabashedly skimmed over hundreds of pages in order to end the dreadfulness as painlessly as possible. I'd love to know what you think is out there worth reading. And, of course, I'm still ready and willing to give my humble version of a golden book review.